Story: But I'm A Girl (all chapters)
Authors: Glee-chan
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Chapter 1
1.
My name is Akira Haneda, and even though it might not seem like it, I'm actually a girl. Ever since I started University, people have been mistaking me for a boy. It's kind of a new sensation for me. When I was in High School, I was sort of a plain girl. I wouldn't say I was ugly or pretty, but somewhere in the middle. There wasn't anything remarkable about me, other than I was unremarkable. So I guess I stopped trying. I was the type of girl who wore tights under her uniform's skirt.
I got really sick my second year of High School and had to spend a few months at home. To make it easier on me, I cut my hair short. I suppose that's when I really stopped caring about how I looked. When I came back to school no one seemed to care one way or another, and I just finished out my time in school looking like that.
I was really happy when I finally got accepted into Keiai University. No more uniforms, I could dress how I wanted. When I'm at home I often steal my younger brother's clothes (he's only two years younger than me, so his clothes fit), even if they are fashionable for guys. But they feel more comfortable than some of my normal clothes so I don't care. I kept the trend alive when I went to University.
Then I started hearing girls gossip. "Who's that guy with the cute face." "Even if he's a bit small he's my type." "I wonder if he has a girl friend." Looking back I know it was stupid that I didn't realize it before, but they were talking about me. When I heard those things, I'd even look around to see who they were talking about.
My world of ignorance shattered one day when after a lecture one of my classmates asked me to stay behind. I didn't really understand why until she nervously worked up the courage to tell me she liked me. It was embarrassing, for both of us. When I told her I was a girl, she was mortified. She asked me never to tell anyone, like I would brag about something like that. But she wasn't the last person.
After awhile I realized I seemed pretty popular with the girls in my classes. I guess I make a better boy than a girl. I had put two-and-two together by this point, but it was nice getting attention. I wouldn't tell them I was a girl until things got weird or if I was directly asked, then I'd play it off as if they should have already known.
After my first two months I thought maybe it was time I stop wearing boys clothes. I had gotten confessions from three girls and it was getting really weird. The school was about to take a few days break and I had decided that in between that time, I would stop borrowing my brother's clothes.
On the day before the break, I was taking Lunch in a public student area. A girl I didn't know took a seat next to me and started to unwrap a bento. I didn't think anything of it, as she seemed to be just hungry, but then she started chatting me up.
"At my old high school they let us eat on the roof."
That was her opening line. I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I went with a noncommittal nod.
"I guess the building is too high for that sort of thing. Still, it would be nice." She paused to take a bit from her lunch, then introduced herself. "I'm Miyu Hoshino, by the way."
"Akira Handa." I told her automatically.
She looked confidant in herself as she ate beside me, and I started to feel the aura of the situation start to change. I hadn't noticed before, but she was dressed up. Not in a flashy sort of way, but dressed up casually enough so that she was showcasing her best. Her hair was perfect, and the way she was eating was delicate. When I realized this, I also saw the confidence that I thought she was displaying earlier was more like frozen panic. The reason it felt so weird was that she was nervous and was trying to hide it. I inwardly moaned as I realized that she might be another girl trying to make hit on me.
"You're dressed nice. Is it for a job or project or something?" I blurted it out. I was hoping she'd say yes and I was just panicking for no reason.
"Dressed nice? You think so?" Miyu smiled slightly, but didn't look rattled, even if her eyes gave her away.
I rubbed the back of my neck. I do that a lot when I get nervous. "Uh… yeah. I wish I could get away dressed like that."
I thought I was giving her a subtile hint, but instead looked up surprised and started giggling. Then almost as if she tried to reel back her laugher she covered her mouth. But she looked less nervous now. "You're funny."
I wasn't trying to be. I'm a girl. Is what I wanted to tell her. But the images of the three girls I rejected before still was fresh in my mind, and I really didn't want to hurt Miyu's feelings. So I tried a different tact.
"I don't know if I am. In high school I wasn't that popular. I was pretty much of a boring person, not one ever noticed me. I guess that's why university is great. You can start over with a clean slate."
"I-I…" Miyu was looking down at her bento. "I wasn't all that popular in high school either."
I found that hard to believe. "Really? You look like a fashion model though."
"Yeah, I guess…" Miyu wasn't making eye contact with me, but I saw her face become flush. I really stepped into it by complimenting her. "But I went to an all-girls school so I didn't stand out."
If she went to an all-girls school, shouldn't she be able to tell that I'm a girl? This was getting painful. The longer this went on, the more embarrassed Miyu would get.
"Hoshino-san, was it? I think you should know something about me."
"Yes?"
She was looking up at me now, her eyes looking into mine. Even my heart skipped a beat in that moment. This really was going to awkward.
"Well… what I mean to say is that I'm really a g-"
But I couldn't finish. At that moment the fire alarm went off. After the initial shock, Miyu and I gathered our belongings and started for the exit. Things were going orderly, as fire-drills are hammered into your head nonstop from Elementary School onwards. But as we made our way to the door, a surge of people pushed us forward, and panic set in.
"It's a real fire!" Someone shouted out.
There was a scramble to get out the doors. All those stupid fire-drill exits left these morons minds and they turned into a brainless mob. I was tousled and moved around so much that I was surprised that I reached the door. Before I left I looked back to see if Miyu was okay, but she wasn't beside me. I looked back and saw her pressed back-first against the wall near the door allowing people to pass her by. If she stayed like that she could hurt.
I don't know what caused me to do it. I'm not brave at all. But Miyu looked so scared, so I had to do something. I pushed my way back and made it to her. I was about to lead her away when I was pushed against her, and it was only my hands on either side her head on the wall that stopped me from head butting her.
She closed her eyes in a panic and wrapped her arms around my back, pulled me closer to her. It was odd. I was shielding her from the passersby with my body. I could hear her crying.
"C'mon, we got to go before we get trampled."
"My ankle." Miyu whimpered.
But I could respond something big pushed passed us and my head slammed into hers. I was quick in that I turned my face so my cheek pressed against her instead of my nose stabbing her. When I pulled away, she looked less scared.
"Sorry." I apologized even though it was kind of stupid for me to do so. "Put your arm around me and I'll help you out."
"It's too chaotic out there." Miyu rightly said.
I didn't care. I wasn't about to be trampled to death. Especially since I was starting to smell smoke. "Here." I picked her up. I have no idea how I did. I'm not that strong, in fact Miyu might even be the same height as me, but I was motivated now.
"YOU'RE IN THE WAY!" I shouted. My voice was gruff and scary sounding from the effort to hold Miyu body weight and the sheer adrenaline pumping through my veins.
People moved out of the way. It wasn't long until we reached the outdoors and I procured a bench in front of the building for Miyu to rest on. I sat down on the ground next to the bench, throwing my book bag off my back and breathing heavy. My body was still pumped from the excitement and I haven't come down from that high yet.
"Thank you Akira-kun." I heard Miyu say. "You really saved me back there."
I wanted to correct her, to tell her not to call me '-kun' but I was too out of breath. Instead I just waved an "anyone-would-do-the-same" type of wave and gave a heavy sigh looking at the smoke escaping the door we escaped from.
"It's a good thing school was going to close down anyway for break…" Miyu went on. "I wonder what started the fire?"
We didn't have time to speculate, as the fire-brigade had finally arrived and were dashing importantly inside the build, dragging a long hose with them. I decided we were in the way and I helped Miyu to her feet and we left school grounds and took a seat on the outside wall of the entrance.
"Akira-kun, I know this is a bad time… but I was… I was trying to work my way of asking you… Then the fire happened. We could have died back there, and I guess I realized I can't be scared anymore. Life is short and you have to seize the moment. So… what I'm trying to say is… well…"
My heart sunk. After all of this, I would have to turn her down. I decided I'd would cut her off before she asked me, and just tell her point-blank that I was a girl. I faced her and she started, our eyes connected as she was willing herself to be brave. I'm so like her in that aspect. Deep down I'm a shy too.
"Akira-kun…"
"Hoshino-san, I'm-" Her finger pressed against my lips. I don't know why it commanded me to stop but it did.
"Even if you're going to turn me down, I have to do this." Miyu looked determined. "You might not like me but… even if it's just once… would you go out with me?"
Her eyes looked deep into mine. Shakespeare was right when he said "The eyes are a window into your soul", I could see everything. Miyu's fear, her strength, her vulnerability, her courage, her desperateness, and her confidence. My mouth opened with the intention of saying no, the correct sound never came.
"Yes."
Chapter 2
2.
"You told her yes?"
My little brother, Kenta, was shocked when I told him. I can't blame him, I'm shocked too. I said I would go on a date with a girl. Me! What was I thinking? I could still see Miyu's eyes burned into my mind. How brave it must of been for her do to that.
"It's just one date. I'll go out with her, then tell her the truth afterwards." I told him. "I figured that I could at least give her that…"
"This is both weird and funny at the same time."
"It's not funny." I told him. I wasn't in the mood for this sort of thing. "A girl's heart is…"
But what was I saying? By not telling her I could still hurt her. But by saying no… after looking into those eyes… I'm so confused.
"So what are you going show up as? A boy or a girl?" Kenta asked.
It was a fair question. If I dressed like a girl, then everything would be out in the open already. But I did promise her Miyu one date. Would it be kinder to let Miyu have that date or tell her straight forward.
"I guess I shouldn't lie to her." I finally decided.
"My sister, the heartbreaker." Kenta teased.
"Shut up!"
The day of the date I was actually nervous. When I looked in my closet I realized that I had been dressing like my brother for so long I didn't have that many girly clothes anymore. The ones I had were too small, and I couldn't show up in my high school uniform. So I had looked at the clothes I had, the ones I didn't borrow from my brother. They were plain looking, cut for a girl, but still looked way to boyish.
Groaning I gave up. My brother had nicer things, and it would really be horrible if I showed up dressed like a slob. I'd just have to tell her outright. When I went to borrow some of his clothes, Kenta teased me some more.
"At least I got a date on a Saturday." I retorted. That shut him up.
I showed up at arranged meeting place. I really didn't have a plan for a date, but I thought that I'd take her to something fun and typical… one I'd like to go on with a boy if I had a chance. But instead of telling her at the end of the date, I'd tell her up front but still treat her to lunch and a movie. That sounded reasonable.
Somehow I got there early. This was starting to look like a shōjo manga scenario. Soon Miyu would arrive and say "Did I keep you waiting for long." and I would go "No, I only just arrived." The thought of it made my blush. How corny is that? But when Miyu arrived moments later she greet me with a giggle.
"I thought I'd be the early one." Miyu told me. "Looks like you beat me here."
"Oh. Uh, yeah sorry about that?" I stammered not sure what to say.
She looked really nice. Before she was dressed up for school, but today she was dressed up for a date. I wished I looked like her. She's so pretty.
"I-is there something wrong?"
"Huh?"
"Well… you're kind of staring at me?"
"Am I? Sorry, it's just you're so beautiful."
Why did I say that? It's okay for a girl to say that to another girl, but a boy? What in the world was I thinking?
"D-Did I dress up too much?" Miyu's face was burning red.
"No! No… sorry, I just… I shouldn't be allowed to speak in public is all." I felt weird.
"I don't know…" Miyu smiled a small smile. "You're kind of cute when you're nervous."
"I'm cute?"
Then I remembered. I was supposed to of told her I'm a girl by now. I'm only making the situation worse. And after I went and said she's beautiful. She'll think I'm some sort of pervert or something.
"Hoshino-san, I should tell you something…"
"Could you call me Miyu-san or Miyu-chan?"
"Huh?"
"It's just that Hoshino-san sounds so formal… and you saved my life and all so-"
My mind went blank.
"Oh, I just realized I keep calling you Akira-kun, and I never asked you if that's okay."
"Yeah, I guess so." I said then immediately screamed internally. I'm getting no where at all. I should have just told her flat out.
"Akira-kun." Miyu smiled.
I breathed in determined to get the information out. "Miyu-chan, I'm not really a-"
"Oh how rude of me." Miyu interrupted. "Please don't think I'm saying this as an after thought but… I think you look nice as well."
"Uh, not really." I rubbed the back of my neck. I'm out of my league here.
She looked slightly put back. "You must of gotten picked on a lot in High School, huh? You can't take a compliment so well."
"I wasn't really picked on that much, more like looked over."
"I understand. I was the same. I think I told you before I went to an all-girl school. Only the really pretty girls stood out."
This was getting off topic. But before I could return to the not-a-guy situation, Miyu had decided the date had officially began.
"Shall we go?"
I gave up. I'd have to find another opportunity to tell her the truth. Perhaps at lunch. When we arrived at the restaurant I picked out, I was all too aware of other couples staring at us. Miyu was beautiful, so how could they not? I wondered if they could see through the boy's clothes and realize there was girl underneath. But Miyu was happy, and I found that I kept forgetting to bring up the I'm-a-girl topic as the conversation kept getting steered away from that. There was just something about Miyu that disarmed me.
After lunch we went to a movie. She asked me what I wanted to see, but I always thought the girl picked that sort of thing. Then again, I am a girl, so the whole thing is a mess. I wondered if I should pick something that was overly manly, to punish myself for being a complete idiot, or just pick something overly girl to give her one more hint that I'm not what she thinks I am. I couldn't decide and in the end, she picked something about Kunoichi (Female Ninjas). The movie was… well I guess Miyu didn't know what type of film it was.
"I'm sooo sorry." Miyu told me as we left the cinema. "I'm so embarrassed. I didn't know it was that kind of movie."
"Don't worry about it."
"I guess guys like that sort of thing." Miyu laughed nervously.
"I wouldn't know." I shrugged.
"It seems to me if you're going to be a ninja, you'd need to wear more concealing clothes at least." Miyu went on. "Anyway, I'm sorry. I thought that it might be an action movie and you'd like it."
"Thanks for being considerate."
The date was starting to come to a close and I still hadn't told her. I couldn't say anything during the movie, I was stuck at square one. I needed something with no distractions. I spied a public park a crossed the street from the cinema and suggest we have a stroll there. Maybe I could work up the nerve to finally tell her the truth.
As we entered the park I became all too aware of all the other Saturday couples. This was a bad idea. They were all cuddling and lovey-dubey. This kind of environment was going to be even worse. But I couldn't string Miyu along any longer. It wasn't right. She had to know.
"Akira-kun, is it alright if I hold your hand?" Miyu asked once again making me drop my guard.
"Sure." I took her hand. I could tell she was shaking. Was she that nervous?
"You have small hands, and they're pretty soft too." Miyu commented mainly out of nervousness. If she were a boy, I'd think it was cute. Who am I kidding, it's cute even when she's a girl.
"Everything about me is like that." I tried to open with. I couldn't hold it off any longer.
"Small and soft?" Miyu smiled timidly. "Kinda like me. I should try and be braver, huh? Would it surprise you that this is the bravest I've ever been?"
"Holding my hand?"
"No. Being with you. I noticed you the beginning of the semester and it took me forever to work up the courage to sit next to you like I did. I didn't think I could ask you out, but somehow I did."
"You don't have be so shy. You're really pretty, I'm surprised you didn't have a boyfriend."
"You really say the nicest things to me. Maybe that's why everyone likes you."
"What do you mean?"
"All the girls think you're cute. And you're really nice to them. And you never hit on anyone. You're kind of perfect."
Of course I wouldn't hit on any girls. I am a girl. If only I could tell her that bluntly. "I'm not that great…"
"I'm happy you agreed to go on a date with me." Miyu ignored that last part. "Even if you don't like me."
"What do you mean?"
"I can tell you just want to be friends." Miyu looked slightly ashamed. "I keep seeing you trying to tell me, but I didn't want to ruin the date. I'll never get the chance to do this again, so I guess I was being selfish. I hope you don't hate me."
I felt really bad now. But I should I do now? Should I ruin her memory of going out with a nice guy or tell her the truth? I'd hate it if the situation was reverse. Would living in ignorance be better than knowing something that embarrassing? But it's not like I'd never see her again. Eventually we'll be back in school again and I'd still see her. I didn't want to make her look like a fool later on. She's to sweet for that.
"I don't hate you, but you'll probably hate me after I tell you the truth." I couldn't look into those eyes. "I'm not a guy at all. I'm really a girl."
Chapter 3
3.
"What do you mean, 'you're a girl'? I don't get it."
I finally said it. Miyu let go of my hand when I told her so she could cover her mouth which was open in shock. I wanted to run away. I can't believe I let this go on for this long, this is all my fault.
"I didn't mean to trick you… but I couldn't figure out a way to tell you."
Pathetic excuse. I knew she was going to cry or slap me or… I don't know, run away and scream that she hated me. What would I do if it were me?
"I… I guess you did try and tell me."
A surprise response. I didn't expect that. "Miyu-chan, I-" But I didn't have anything to say to that and her name lingered in the air.
"I must look really stupid now."
"No you don't."
"How can I not?" Miyu's bottom lip quivered. Why was I noticing her bottom lip? "Are you sure you're a girl?"
"I can prove it to you if you don't believe me." I said mainly out of sarcasm.
"Okay."
Again, I didn't expect that. Now I was nervous. In sarcasm I was meaning I'd strip naked and show her the evidence, but that was just a joke. There's no way I'd do that for real. Maybe she'd be satisfied if I let her touch my chest… or what little there was of that. Since we were in a public park I wasn't too keen on having a girl grope me in front of everyone.
"C'mon."
I pulled her hand and lead her to an area that was largely secluded and filled with big trees. I took her behind one, and suddenly felt a wave of nerves. Was I really going to do this. Miyu looked expecting. I bit the bottom of my lip and pulled Miyu's hand up my shirt and let her feel my bra. I couldn't look her in the eyes as I felt her hand first cup my breast then squeeze it to make sure. Then she withdrew her hand.
Silence. Dead, cold, awkward silence. I wanted to die. Miyu probably wanted the same thing.
"You really are a girl, aren't you?"
"Yeah."
"It's kinda hard to fake that…" Miyu went on. "Unless…"
"C'mon, I know it's not much, but they're real." I blustered out embarrassed.
Miyu lowered her eyebrows. "I should have known. You're too pretty to be a boy. I'm such a moron."
"Well if you're a moron then everyone else who asked me out is one too." I shot out.
"Why do you dress like this?" Miyu demanded.
"I wasn't trying to fool anyone. I just dress like this 'cause it's comfortable. But it started to become a problem. I decided that when school break happened, I'd go and buy some proper girls clothes. But… well…"
"Yeah." Miyu nodded. "I guess I understand now."
"I'm sorry."
"There's one thing I don't get. Why did you say you'd go on a date with me?"
I didn't really know how to answer that. So I just decided I'd be honest.
"I didn't want to make you sad… after you gathered up all your courage to confess to me."
Miyu turned away for a moment. I didn't know if she was mad or not. But I was glad the truth was finally out there. I just hoped she wasn't the vengeful type and start spreading rumors about me. What a mess.
"You're a nice person afterall." Miyu sighed and leaded her back against the tree. Then, once again she caught me off guard. "Have you ever dated a girl before?"
"No." I quickly said. "I'm straight."
"Are you?" Miyu was looking at me with those soul piercing eyes again. "I used to go to an all-girl high school, you know. Girl's love isn't foreign to me. I'm not offended by that sort of thing."
"I've never gone out with a girl before." I restated. Of course I've never gone out proper with a boy either, but that was besides the point. I'm in uni now, that's too embarrassing to admit.
"You know… you were way nicer to me than you needed to be. You could have just took me out and left it at that. But you were sweet and complimented me… called me pretty."
I wondered if Miyu wanted me to be that way so she'd feel better about herself for mistaking me as a boy. That way she could hate me for using her innocence. But I didn't want her to hate me or start stories about how I was some enemy of women.
"So I'm not allowed to be nice? The date seemed important to you, and I wanted to give you a nice memory. Besides, complimenting a girl when you're a girl isn't flirting."
"Really?"
"If you knew I was a girl from the beginning, me saying you look pretty wouldn't bother you." I pouted slightly. I could literally feel my lower jut out. "And so what, you do look pretty, it's not a crime to point that out."
Miyu didn't say anything for the longest time. "Are you sure you're not gay?"
"I told you I wasn't."
The silence was killing me. Because I couldn't take it, I looked out into the sky. The sun was starting to set. I couldn't admire it's beauty, I was too flustered. Now what? Miyu basically held all the cards and pretty much decided the rest of her school life from now on. Was she vindictive?
"So…" Miyu finally said something. "…can I just pretend you're a boy and can we finish our date?"
"Huh?"
"You were right about the date being important to me. It took a lot for me to ask you out. So I seems wrong just to end it like this. I mean… we went this far, right?"
"Alright?"
I wish I could say I understood, but I didn't. Even if she said that, everything was out in the open and it wouldn't be the same. Regardless, Miyu slipped her hand into mine and faced the sunset along with me. We didn't say anything, just watched as the sky's hues changed colors. She leaned her head against mine affectionately and it was all I could do not freak out. Part of me liked it, the other part was a mass of confusion.
"Could you walk me to the bus stop?" Miyu asked once the sun slipped behind the horizon. "I've never been out this late before and I'm a bit scared."
"Alright."
Miyu giggled.
"What?"
"I guess I can't pretend you're a boy anymore. I feel so silly for not seeing it."
We walked out of the park. Even though she said that, she still clung to my arm. She probably was just scared. We talked little on our way to the bus stop. I mind was filled with so much fragmented thoughts it was just chaos. There was no cohesive thought to be had. When we arrived at the station, we waited for the bus.
"Akira-kun-" Miyu started, but then corrected herself. "Akira-chan I mean… Thank you for the date. It really meant a lot to me, even if it turned out a bit weird."
"Yeah." I didn't know what else to add. It did turn out weird. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything before."
Miyu shook her head. "Don't worry about it."
She looked like she wanted to say something more but she didn't. I didn't want to pry. The only thing I wanted to know is if her opinion of the day would change when she got home. That could be bad for me. Then out of no where she giggled.
"What is it?"
"I got to second base with you, and we didn't even kiss."
"Huh?"
"Earlier in the park…" Miyu elaborated and pantomimed squeezing my boob.
"Oh! Uh, yeah that happened."
"You're embarrassed!"
"Not really."
"You are too." Miyu giggled again. "Was it the first time someone's done that to you?"
I didn't answer, I guess the look on my face told the story.
"I'm your first then. It's payback for not telling me sooner." Miyu winked, speaking in a playful voice. This really did sound like a manga.
"Story of my life. Skipping first base and being groped by a girl. I guess I deserved that."
"So you never did have a boy friend then?"
She didn't have to rub it in, but I nodded never the less.
"Me either. I guess we're both losers."
"You're not a loser. You're so pretty you can be with anyone." I told her without thinking.
"I'll never work up the courage to ask someone else out. Look at my track record. Knowing my luck it'll be another girl. Maybe not one as nice as you. She'll start spreading stories around and everything."
I wondered if she was worried that I would be the one to tell people about what happened. As far as I was concerned she had the upper hand and could be the one saying I tricked her.
"Let's make a deal and promise not the tell anyone what happened."
Miyu must of not been listening. She was looking down the street at the bus arriving. People were starting to form behind us as well. I felt suddenly awkward. What would happen now once we separated. Would we pretend and not know each other or would my life be changed with everything thinking I was some cross-dressing pervert?
"Well this is goodbye for now." Miyu interrupted my thoughts, as her train pulled up.
"Ah, yeah. Take care of yourself."
Miyu turned to go, but stopped for a second, then turned around. As quick as lightning she pressed her lips to mine. I don't know why, but I didn't stop her. The world seemed to stop and she seemed to be attached to me forever. Then the world restarted and she was on the bus, waving at me as it sped out of site. What the hell just happened?
Chapter 4
4.
Kenta knew something was up the moment I got home. Of course he wanted to know the details of what happened, but I couldn't tell him. I didn't want him to tease me about it.
I couldn't get that kiss out of my mind the whole school break. Even though I went shopping for some proper girl clothes, I kept thinking about her. I don't understand why Miyu did that. I was to stupid to ask for her mobile number when we were out, so I was left in the dark. It didn't make sense. Miyu was straight, right?
Then I had some doubts in my own mind. Was I straight? I mean all I could think about was that date after all. When thoughts of returning to school creeped their way in, I realized that I was far to nervous to put on the clothes I had bought. At least until I got my mind straight I needed to hide in my brothers clothes again. I'm pathetic.
When I returned to university later, I felt on nerve. I didn't see Miyu anywhere, but then again, I never had seen her before so I wasn't sure where to look. I went into the ladies room to retreat even more with my confusion when I over heard a conversation.
"…but I know I saw Haneda in the park last Saturday. And he was with a girl."
"A girl, who was it?"
"Not sure, I didn't recognize her. But she probably goes to this school. If I saw her, I'd know her. She was really pretty."
"Haneda's been turning down everyone. I even heard he likes to give a lame excuse about being not being a man, like he's weak as a girl or something."
That's because I am a girl!
"Well he said yes to her. I saw her hand go up his shirt. Then they watched the sunset together."
"This sucks."
When they left I could feel my heart racing. So those kinds of things were being said about me. I left the bathroom feeling uncomfortable. I should have just worn the damn dress I bought. As I was rounding the corner I stopped when I saw those gossiping girls. It seemed they were more successful in finding Miyu than I was. I kept hidden again.
"Spill it Hoshino, how did you get Haneda to go out with you!"
"I just asked." Miyu told them meekly.
"I did too but he said no." Another girl had complained but was ignored.
"Well… aren't you going to tell us anything about him?"
"Akira-chan is… is like no man I've ever dated."
I literally slapped the front of my face. What kind of answer was that? Sure that was technically the truth, but saying it like that sounded so dirty.
"Akira-chan? You already call him that?"
"It seems more appropriate. I thought I might use Aki-chan next time, but I'm not sure if that will go over well."
"That sounds too girly."
I am a girl!
They pried and pried with Miyu, but she only gave them vague answers. After a while, the girls must of sensed this as they gave up. When they had left Miyu surprised me again. She seems to do that a lot.
"They're gone now, Ak-i-ra-chan."
What's with the sing-songy voice? I got out of my hiding spot, and could see Miyu properly now. She was as pretty as usual. I took a seat next to her, my mind a blaze with questions, but I was all to aware that now people were looking at us.
"What are we going to do about all this, I wonder?" Miyu asked me as if I had the answers.
"I don't know. Everyone thinks I'm a boy, huh?"
"Yeah." Miyu nodded as if that was the least of the problems. It wasn't for me. "Everyone has been asking me about you. I don't know what to say."
"Why didn't you tell them the truth?"
Miyu thought about it. "I don't think it would be nice of me to backstab you like that. You should be able to tell everyone about it on your own. If I say something it makes you look bad."
"But if I say something, I still look bad and I dragged you along."
"No one cares about me anyway, so I don't care." Miyu shrugged. "Besides I already told you that I don't care about girl-girl relationships."
I thought of her kiss when she said that. "I-Is that why y-you…"
Miyu giggled. "You're so shy, it's like the roles are reversed."
I rubbed the back of my neck. She was right, she was so nervous when she thought I was a boy. But now that she knew I was a girl, she changed completely. She was even more bold back then. Me on the other hand… I've been a nervous wreck this whole time.
"I kissed you because that's how I planned the date to end originally." Miyu answered my previous question, as if she was reading my thoughts. "I didn't think I'd see you again, I had planned to kiss and run. I didn't want to back down from that either. Another selfish thing I did, sorry about that."
"Oh."
"You seemed to like it though." Miyu poked the side of my cheek with her finger. "You turned all red like you are now."
I turned away. "It was my first kiss."
"Mine too. We're such losers." Miyu sighed.
I thought about it for a while. "The only thing for it is for me to come clean tomorrow. I should wear something girly and put on make-up and junk. You can just say you didn't know if they ask you."
"Hmm." Miyu thought about it. "Is that the only way? It really makes you look bad."
"I'll deal with it."
"Why not just continuing like things are?" Miyu asked, but this time there was a bit of nerves to it. "You don't have to say you're a boy, just let people think what they want."
"Now that everyone is talking about me, it's a problem. Am I to go through university lying to everyone? Even if it's a lie, I'll be alone."
"You're not alone." Miyu chimed in. "No matter what, I'll be here."
I don't know why, but at that moment that was the best thing anyone had ever said to me. Even after everything, she still wanted to be with me. It must of shown on my face as Miyu blushed.
"I didn't mean to sound so forward."
"It's okay I knew what you meant."
"Do you?" Miyu blinked a bit, and looked down at her shoes. Now she was reverting back to the shy girl on the date. I'm so confused. "I really had a good time on Saturday. I wish that we could go out for real."
"You're just saying that."
"No I'm not. I was shocked when I found out, but… I still like you."
Her face was burning red. She was giving me another confession, but this time she knew the truth. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest. She had said before that she went to an all-girl school and wasn't that phased by lesbian relationships, but I never thought she'd take part in one if she asked me out thinking I was a man.
"Thinking back, maybe I asked you out because you looked safe to me, like I always knew you were a girl deep down." Miyu's voice got softer. "Do you probably think I'm weird now?"
I wasn't sure what to think, and I told her so. This was all new ground for me. I hadn't ever been with a boy before, let alone a girl. I was out of my depth here.
"Let's go out again." Miyu looked up at me, her eyes looking into mine. "I want to."
"But what about… about everything."
"I don't care what people think. And you shouldn't either. It's not like you're lying to them." She looked away. "And… I can't stop thinking about you. What about you? Did you think it was gross to go out with me?"
"No." I admitted. "I just feel so confused, if you want to know the truth."
Miyu giggled slightly. "Me too. It's a bit scary huh?"
"Yeah. I kept thinking about your kiss and-" What the hell was I saying, admitting something like that? I really did sound like some yuri manga.
"D-Did you like it?"
"Y-Yes."
"Me too. I thought about your face all week, after I left. It was so cute." Miyu smiled. "If you had lied to me just now I would have known."
"You sound like your bragging."
"Do I? I didn't mean too sound like I'm that confident in my kissing skill. But still, I knew you liked it."
Maybe I was going crazy, but hearing Miyu say those things to me made me feel bolder. I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I leaned over and kissed her. It wasn't the best kiss in the world. It was ill planned and at an awkward angle. But there was definitely some electricity there. It felt more than a kiss.
Miyu pulled away and giggled again. "That surprised me."
"Payback for the other day."
"Warn me next time."
Next time. Would there be a next time? Did I want a next time. She was gazing at me, once again her ever searching eyes breaking into mine, as if she was devouring my thoughts and feelings. I found that I was getting addicted to her looking inside me like that.
Then she moved forward and we kissed again. She didn't warn me, but I already knew she was going to do it, and I didn't stop her. I had given up. Maybe I'm not as straight as I thought I was. I couldn't ever recall thinking about a girl like I had with Miyu before, but then at this moment, I can't recall thinking about a boy like that either. Her kiss was intoxicating. When we pulled away I found that my arms somehow wrapped around her. I didn't know when that happened.
"D-Do you want to…" Miyu stopped, collecting her thoughts as her cheeks burned a pink color. "Let's skip the rest of the day. I want to be alone with you."
Alone? Alone with a girl? But just like her asking me out on a date and me wanting to say no yet I said the opposite, I did the same here. I couldn't refuse her.
Chapter 5
5.
"Did you see them, they were just making out."
"Yeah, they didn't care if it was in public."
"I wish I had a boy friend like that."
"Ew, gross."
Miyu and I shot passed the gossiping girls, pretending not to hear them. To be honest I can't believe we just did that right there in the open as well. As we left school grounds I realized that we had no plan, well not a great one. We just left, but there was no destination. And what exactly did Miyu mean by alone. Did she just want to be somewhere private or did she mean something more? I'm not sure if I could handle something like that right now.
"S-So, where did you want to go?" I asked her. I was starting to second guess myself, scared of the path I was going on.
Miyu was looking down at her feet again. I think she was hoping I'd take the lead in this. But to be honest I was scared out of my mind. She needed to be the boy now.
"We can go to my place."
Her place?! I was glad she was looking away because I must of looked like a frightened puppy. She led the way, explaining in a nervous ramble that she lived alone in an apartment building not to far from the university. Other students lived in the other buildings, as it was so close, but she didn't know any of them. I pretended to be interested, anything to keep my mind off of whatever dirty thoughts that were lingering in the back of my head.
We arrived at her apartment. It was a small one room place one. I really felt like I was stepping in a manga now.
"I'm sorry Akira-chan, it's not much."
"This is great. My parents live nearby so I still live at home."
"Oh?" Miyu was taking off her shoes and shutting the door.
Somehow the sound of it shutting echoed in my mind. I looked around the room and saw her sleeping futon still out, next to a heated table. Images of Miyu and myself on that futon popped in my head and I felt my heart skip a beat. I hoped she didn't want to go that far.
"I forgot that I left it like this. It's a mess." Miyu sounded embarrassed, her eyes on the futon.
"Don't worry about it, it's not we planned this." I rubbed the back of my neck.
Miyu sat down underneath the heated table, so I followed her example and sat down next to her. Silence. I could hear both of hearts beating.
"This seemed like such a good idea in my head." Miyu finally said. "But now I'm completely terrified."
"You too?" I blurted out.
She looked at me and all at once we both started laughing. We worked ourselves up to this state on our own. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
"I got an idea. I want to see what you look like as a girl." Miyu once again spoke an idea that came out of nowhere.
"Huh?"
"We're both around the same size, maybe something of mine will fit you?"
"Oh. Uh, well if you want." I felt slightly bashful about the prospect. Wearing my bother's clothes had become sort of a shield.
Miyu got up and rummaged through her things then produced an outfit. Like most things about Miyu, it was really cute and stylish. It would be a waste on me. But she looked so excited that I couldn't say no.
I started to take off my shirt, then felt slightly weird suddenly. Miyu would see me in my underwear. Why did that bother me so much? I didn't have anything special on, it would probably ruin whatever image of me she had in her head. But I pushed those thoughts out of my head and changed as quickly as possible. I could feel her eyes on me the whole time, or at least that's what my imagination was telling me. When I turned to look at her, she was carefully looking my brother's pants on the floor.
"Well?" I gave a shrug feeling so awkward in the dress.
Miyu stared at me. I could feel my face grow hot with her gaze. "You're so cute!"
"I am not." I said defensively. I knew I wasn't cute as a girl.
"Yes you are. All you need is… hold on."
She got up and started messing with my hair. Not since my mother had anyone styled my hair like that. It was a bit nostalgic. I guess girls do this all the time, if I had girl friends in high school I might have not thought this was a big deal. She added a bit of color to my lips, then dragged me to a full body mirror that was attached to a closet door. I looked into it and saw some tomboyish looking girl standing next to Miyu. She was right. When did I become cute?
"See I told you." Miyu giggled, then leaded her head against mine as we looked into the mirror.
"This is the first time I've dressed like a girl since… I can't remember."
"You wore a school uniform, right?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't count. I wore tights underneath my skirt." I told her.
"You're cute." Miyu repeated. "It's also a bit- I shouldn't say it. Sorry, forget I said anything."
Of course with a lead in like that, I couldn't let that go. "What?"
"I asked you to forget it." Miyu blushed and turned away from the mirror.
I followed her. "C'mon, it can't be any more embarrassing than undressing for you."
I didn't mean it to sound like that, but as usual I blurt things out. Miyu looked even more embarrassed when I said that, and I knew that she was watching me, even if I didn't catch her. Oddly, I didn't feel as embarrassed as I did when I changed.
"Well then… if you put it that way…. I was just thinking that… that…" Miyu was stumbling over her own words. Somehow I thought it was cute, and caught myself thinking that. Had I really completely given into this kind of world? "…I was thinking that it's actually a bit s-s-s-exy that you're wearing my clothes."
I looked at her in disbelieve. She hid her face.
"Don't laugh at me!"
"I'm not laughing."
"It's weird of me to say, I know, I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, I prompted it out of you, its my own fault."
She thought I was sexy. Me. As a girl. I couldn't stop myself, I had to know. "Do you like me better like this in boy clothes?"
Miyu, still looked pink in the face. Maybe I shouldn't have asked her right after she admitted something so mortifyingly personal. But I wanted to know.
"I think you're cute both ways." Miyu admitted, though I thought that was a crap answer.
"Could you kiss me like this?" Woah, what am I saying?
Miyu walked back to me, with a serious look on her face. "Do you want me too?"
We were facing each other, our chest almost touching we were so close. Her body heat surged from her person like a heater. I could see nothing but those eyes. Those eyes I could drown in every time they studied at me.
"Do you?" She whispered. She was breathing heavy. So was I. She wanted to hear me tell her I wanted her too. Those piercing eyes scrutinizing my every thought.
"Yes." My voice cracked, sounding slightly expecting.
And she did. She led be backwards, and my back pressed against the wall next to the mirror, her body meshed with mine as she pressed her lips into mine. Her eyes momentarily peered into me, before they shut to enjoy the moment. I found mine did as well. Her mouth opened slightly during the kiss, inviting me in. My brain turned off and I followed instincts. Looking back now, I can't believe I was the first one to place my tongue into her mouth. But it was as if she were waiting for it, and greeted it with a passionate affection.
So this was what it was like to french kiss. I had wondered. Miyu's arms wrapped around my neck and her fingers went through my hair as she kissed me. My own arms were around her waist, my left a bit lower than my right, almost touching her behind.
Miyu pulled a way, and I found that I missed her. Though oxygen was welcomed. We looked into each others eyes, realizing that this wasn't just a fling anymore. I wanted her and she wanted me.
"You can touch me, you know." She said. I wasn't sure what she meant, and it showed on my face. "Your hands… you can… you know."
I realized that she wanted me to let go of the remaining restraint I was feeling. She wanted me to ravage her. I didn't know if I could do that.
Miyu giggled. "You're so shy. I'm the shy one remember?"
"Sorry." Though I do think it was a bit unfair. I was the one who started the french kiss.
Miyu turned around and pressed her back to my front, grabbing my arms and pulled them around her midriff. She leaned her head back and lean it against the side of cheek. "I sometimes fantasized about behind held like this. Being touched…" She told me, as if she was encouraging a child that it was okay to swim in shallow water. "…is that weird?"
"I don't think so."
Miyu giggled. That laugh of hers was as addicting as her eyes. "Your heart is beating so fast, Akira-chan. So is mine." She pulled my hand up and placed it over her heart, just over her breast, then giggled again. "Your heart again…"
"I can't help it." I couldn't. Miyu's body seemed to tingle under my sensitive finger tips.
She leaned her head to the side exposing her neck. My body quivered. She wanted me to kiss her there. She wanted me to grope her from behind. This was really happening. Without a further thought I pressed my lips to her neck, the scent of her body and her hair filled my nose.
"Akira-chan." Miyu whispered.
I tried to stop myself, to ask her what she wanted, but she was pulling my other hand up and cupping them on her chest. I didn't care anymore. I was in a trance. Her neck seemed so desirable in my lips, and her breast as much so in my hand. Miyu's breathing increased and she started making cute noises. I was making her make them. My head felt so dizzy. Where had my reason gone?
I don't know how long I was there kissing her neck, feeling her body, but I didn't want it to end. But Miyu pushed forward after a while, turned and faced me, her face as pink as could be.
"Akane-chan… L-Let's go to the futon?"
Chapter 6
6.
I walked home with my head in a numb daze. It mirrored the feeling of my body. Miyu and I had made out for rest of the day. We crossed a number of thresholds I thought I'd never do, but we didn't cross the big one. The sex one. I don't think either of us could handle that just yet. When I left we both knew that we were a couple. There wasn't a big proclamation or anything, we just knew it.
When I entered my house, I forgot to announce I was home and started for the stairs. But Kenta was coming down just as I was about to take my first step. I gave him a slight wave, then was suddenly snapped out of my daze by the look on his face.
"What?"
"For a second I didn't know it was you." Kenta told me. "It looked like a stranger just walked in the house. It wasn't until you waved at me that I realized it was you, sis."
I blinked, unsure what he was talking about. Did he somehow figure out I was with a girl just then? "Don't be an idiot."
"Well, can you blame me, you've never dressed like that before." Kenta still was staring at me.
"Huh?"
I looked down and my brain rebooted. I had forgotten that I was still in Miyu's dress and that she styled my hair. The image of what I looked like in her mirror popped in my hair and I remembered that I did look a lot different.
"I went over a friends house and she wanted to play dress up." I murmured lamely.
Kenta looked away and scratched his nose. "For what it's worth, looking like a girl suits you."
"Oh shut up." I walked passed him, feeling embarrassed.
When I had retreated in my room, my heart was beating. I know it must of been hard for my brother to compliment me, little rat, but I couldn't take him acting different around me. I walked over to my own mirror and looked at myself. Other than my hair looking a bit more tousled than before, I still looked like the image that appeared in Miyu's mirror.
I looked at some of the clothes I bought the other day, thinking they weren't as cute as Miyu's, but were still girly. I took off the dress and put on the most tomboy outfit I bought, wondering if I'd go back to looking like the cross-dresser. But I didn't. Somehow there was a girl there. Did a little color of make up and styling hair make that much of a difference?
Sighing I decided I'd wear this outfit the next day, and return Miyu's dress to her after I washed it. It wasn't until I had placed it into the washing machine did I remember that everyone at school thought of me as a boy. Some fear took over me, knowing that all those girls saw me kiss Miyu, then if I showed up like this they'd know the truth. But a part of me wanted them to know.
"You're really freaking me out, Sis." Kenta told me again when I came into the kitchen. "When did you get that outfit now?"
"Leave me alone, okay?" I glared at him. "Shouldn't you be happy I'm not wearing your clothes anymore?"
Kenta shrugged, but still stared at me. I guess I can't blame him. I'll have to deal with the same looks tomorrow.
The next day I went to the university as planned, with Miyu's outfit in a bag. I styled my hair the same way Miyu did the day before and added just a hint of color to my face. I even put in some stupid earrings. The effect was the same as yesterday. And like I had predicted, I kept getting a lot of stares from people in my classes.
"Haneda?"
A girl had called me after a lecture. I recognized her as one of the girls who confessed to me before, and part of the group that surrounded Miya yesterday. Like everyone else her eyes were glued to my appearance. I pretended to take a carefree air about me, though in reality I was feeling so nervous.
"What are you wearing?"
"Clothes?" I tried to sound casual.
"I can see that… but you're wearing girl's clothes."
"I am a girl. I told you before…" I looked at her annoyed.
"I know but…"
"You're making me feel weird." I told her and turned to leave.
"I saw you kissing that Hoshino girl though."
"So what." I told her without stopping. I didn't want her to see my face turning pink. "If you want to ask her out, don't bother, we're already seeing each other."
I could feel her watching me as I left, but I made a point to try and ignore the feeling. I wanted everyone who was going to gossip about me to think they had it wrong the whole time, that I wasn't lying to them. Which was the truth, but I had to look confident. At least that's what I wanted to pull off anyway.
"Akira-chan!"
Relief filled my body when I heard that voice. Miyu had appeared, also carrying a bag probably holding the clothes I left at her house the day before. When I looked at her, she looked a cute as always does.
"Wow, you really came like that, didn't you?"
"Yeah." I smiled nervously. "It's been pretty troublesome."
"Come here."
She grabbed my hand and we went to a bench outside, both conscious of the looks we were getting for my classmates. After exchanging bags, we sat in silence, both pink in the face. Once again we were feeling awkward.
"I guess we really are going through with this." Miyu spoke in a small voice.
"D-Do you not want too?" I blurted out.
"No! I didn't mean it like that. I just… you know."
I did know. It was weird having everyone looking at us. Even now that we separated from the group, we could feel their eyes looking out windows at us. This sort of thing was weird for us.
"I think you look cute." Miyu said quickly, breaking my thoughts of paranoia.
"Do you?" I looked down at the outfit I was wearing, the tomboy one. "It's not as good as your clothes."
"But this suits you, I think." Miyu continued. "And I like what you did with your hair."
I was burning red now. "You don't have to compliment me, you know."
"I know I don't." Her eyes were locked on me. "I thought some positive feedback might make you feel better."
"To be honest, I feel really uncomfortable like this. I've been hiding so long in baggy clothes." I told her, then added. "But I like that you think I look cute."
"I keep looking at your neck thinking it looks kissable." Miyu said, then almost as if she realized she said that out loud she clasped her hands over her mouth. "Sorry!" A muffled squeak came from her hands.
"Kissable neck?" I asked.
"I know, it's embarrassing." Miyu was still was hiding her mouth.
Oddly I didn't find it embarrassing. I found my bare legs in public more distressing. "Well maybe you can kiss it later. Do you think you can settle for a normal one right now?"
Miyu lowered her hands looked slightly miffed. "Don't make fun of me!"
I laughed a bit, but lean towards her and gave her a small peck on her cheek. It remained it's pink color. "Sorry, I had too."
Miyu sighed, sightly, then took my hand. "Teasing aside, I wish we had a class together."
"Me too. I never can find you." I unwittingly admitted, accidentally giving away I had been searching for her before. "Uh-"
"I know your schedule, but that's because I was stalking you from before."
"Stalking?"
"Not really stalking but… anyway." Miyu was looking frustrated at being the one embarrassed all the time. "I can write down my schedule for you, if you want."
I nodded, and she let go of my hand, reached into her backpack and produced a notebook and a pen to do just that. I watched her, studying her face as she wrote. Then I realized I was doing this, and turned away, not wanting to make her feel weird. As I did so, I caught a glimpse of the gossip girls adverting their eyes.
"That's really annoying me." I murmured. "You'd think they never saw a couple before."
Miyu giggled. "A couple. It's so odd to hear that. That I'm your girlfriend."
"Yeah." I realized it was the same for me. "But they still shouldn't stare."
"Let them." Miyu said bitterly, then ripped the paper she was writing on from her notebook and handed it to me. "I wrote down other stuff about me, like my apartment number, phone number, that sort of thing."
"Oh. Thanks." I folded the paper and put it in my pocket. "I'll text whatever you want to know about me to you later on, if that's okay."
"I have to get to a class in a few minutes, but… I was wondering if you wanted to go out and do something after school?" Miyu asked, not that embarrassed anymore. It seemed the longer they were together the reality of the situation sunk in. It was just those times a part and reuniting that was the most awkward.
"Yeah, I'd like that. I have one more class too." I informed her.
"Let's meet by the front gate, where I first asked you out, okay?"
I agreed and we both went to our classes. Unfortunate for me, my next class had a good amount of those gossip girls in it. I had a hard time focusing with them looking at me the whole time. Normally I would have talked to them, but I found their curiosity and looks really aggravating. If I talked to them today, I'd have to give them the whole story about Miyu and myself, and I wasn't ready to blab about that.
After class, I packed up and went to the arranged area where I was to meet Miyu. Sadly the girl who talked to me before about my outfit followed me. It seemed she was the gossip scout. I really wasn't in the mood for this, and had thought about leaving and just texting Miyu to meet me somewhere else. But I'd still have to find the paper she wrote on in order to do it, so the girl would just corner me anyway.
"Hello Haneda-san." She went.
I sighed and turned to her. She looked nervous. Really nervous. Now what?
Chapter 7
7.
"What is it?" I asked the girl. I couldn't even remember her name.
"Are you really dating that Hoshino girl?"
"I told you I was."
"But you're a girl."
"I know I am."
"And she's a girl."
"I realize that. We're in that kind of relationship."
"But-" The girl looked like she was struggling. I took a guess at what she was thinking.
"No I wasn't trying to fool anyone that I was a guy, people just assumed I was. I kept telling people I was a girl but no one would listen. So I decided I'd dress like this. There, does that answer everything?"
"I wasn't going to ask that." The girl looked slightly taken back. "I was wondering… how come you went out with her and not me?"
That surprised me. "What? Well, you thought I was a guy, so-"
"Did Hoshino already know you were a girl then?"
"No-"
"Then how come her and not me?"
"I-" I was baffled at this turn of events. "I didn't know I liked girls back then." I admitted, pretty lamely. "I said yes because she-"
But at that moment Miyu showed up. Even though she looked at the situation and looked as confused as I felt I was glad she was there. "Yes?"
"I'm Akiko Fujiwara." The girl turned to Miyu, as if she would provide better answers than I was giving. "I asked Haneda-san to go out with me before, but she turned me down, then said yes to you later on. I just wanted to know why."
Miyu looked taken back with the forwardness of Akiko. I couldn't blame her. "Oh. I just asked her."
"What makes her so special?" Akiko rounded on me. "We're both pretty…"
"Why do you care?" I blurted out, as I tend to do when I'm cornered. "You wanted to go out with me because you thought I was a guy. Shouldn't you be relieved you didn't get stuck with some lesbo?"
Miyu shifted her weight on her feet, and I felt maybe I was too rude on how I said that. In the end that's what Miyu and I were, lesbians, and I just sort of made it sound like we were doing something gross. But Akiko seemed the only one unfazed by what I said.
"No one ever turned me down before, that's why it bothers me." Akiko narrowed her eyes. "You said before that you didn't know you liked girls until you dated Miyu, which means she did something different initially when she asked you out. What was it?"
"T-That's none of your business." Miyu told her meekly.
"Why does it matter?" Akiko turned on her.
"Because it's personal." Miyu's face was pink again. "A-And you can't have Akira-chan. S-She's my girlfriend."
There was silence for a while. My heart was pounding watching Miyu defend herself. She's so shy it must of took a lot out of her.
"C'mon Miyu-chan. Let's go."
Miyu ran behind me and grabbed my arm. As I started to walk towards her apartment, Akiko just followed us as if she was invited as well. After a few minutes I stopped and turned on her. Akiko was not the least bit intimidated.
"Stop following us."
"I want my answer." Akiko crossed her arms under her chest.
Miyu looked at me, then to her shoes. I could tell she was out of her element here. Truth be told I was as well. But Miyu had been as brave as she could be, and wanted me to be the "guy" in this situation. I hated it. I'm just as shy as she is, but I can hide it better.
"Because I could tell she really wanted to date me." I blustered out.
"So did I."
"Yeah, but like you said, you can date anyone you want. So when you asked me, you expected me to just say yes. Miyu-chan asked me and expected me to say no. I looked at her and I knew I couldn't."
Akiko snorted. "That's a lame excuse."
"Well that's what happened." I fumed.
"So you're going out with her because she's such a loser she thought you'd turn her down? Meaning you took pity on her. Pathetic."
I don't know when or how I did it, but time skipped. The next thing I remember was Akiko holding her cheek, and the palm of my hand stinging from the impact of a slap. I never before had hit someone in anger before. Unless it's my bother, but rats don't count. But those words Akiko said stung me. I couldn't take someone calling Miyu a loser like that.
"What the hell!?" Akiko rubbed her face.
"Don't talk about my girlfriend like that." I was conscious of Miyu shrinking behind me.
Akiko dropped her hand, a red imprint still on her cheek. "Whatever. Do what you want." And with that she turned around and walked away.
We stood and watched her go, and with Miyu's gripping my arm again my rage subsided. Then all at once I felt so scared. What the hell would have happened if Akiko had decided she wanted to fight? I'd get my ass kick, that's what. What in the world was I thinking?
"Are you okay, Akira-chan?" Miyu spoke so quietly I barely could hear her.
"Y-Yeah."
"I'm sorry about all the trouble I'm causing."
"It's not your fault." I said automatically, then realized it really wasn't her fault and repeated it with the emotional weight it deserved. "We knew it's be hard for people to accept us… let's just hope that was the worst of it."
We walked towards Miyu's apartment quietly for a while, both consumed with what had happened before. When the fear left me, I felt kind of cool. I stood up for myself and for Miyu. Maybe I wasn't such a wimp after all, even if it was foolish to stand up to a bigger girl.
"You're not… are you?" Miyu spoke out of no where.
"Huh?"
"You're not just going out with me because you're taking pity on me, are you?"
"No!" I said, a bit too loud. Loud enough that Miyu jumped.
"I know you were on our first date." Miyu mumbled. "I'm such a loser."
"Miyu-chan…" My brain was wracking itself trying to think of the right thing to say. "I wouldn't change my whole life just because I felt sorry for someone. I really care for you."
It was the first time I said something like that. It was the first time anyone involved in this bizarre relationship admitted something more than just "I think you're cute" or something like that. I almost said something as close to "I love you." I knew I cared for her, that was true. But I also knew that, making out aside, we only went on one date. What if was showing my hand too soon by saying that?
"Akira-chan." Miyu was smiling.
"…"
"You're scared aren't you?" Miyu's smile was still there.
"I kind of just blurted out my feelings." I rubbed the back of my neck.
"I'm glad you did." Miyu gave me a quick kiss. "I was feeling so horrible before, but now I'm the happiest I've been all day. Even if Akiko-san hadn't said anything, deep down I kept thinking 'This isn't going to last, any minute now she'll stop feeling sorry for me and leave.' I've even cried about it."
"You have?"
"In case you haven't noticed, I have self esteem issues." She smirked slightly.
"Man, I'm really glad I didn't go to an all-girl school. It really messes you up, huh?"
Miyu giggled. "Akira-chan… I… I care for you too."
I placed my hand behind my head and pretend to be cocky. "Of course you do, I'm so great, afterall."
Laughing, Miyu gave me a playful shove. "Oh, some ego you got there."
"Not really." I laughed.
"But… I do care for you. And I'm happy you stood up for me. I'm not so good at that sort of thing."
I wanted to tell her I wasn't either, but it seemed stupid after I was playing the leader in so much of our relationship. I even carried her out of a burning building for crying out loud. So instead I gave her a kiss.
When we arrived at her apartment, neither were in the mood to fool around. It seemed like we reached a milestone, and it felt too important to finish that with feeling each other up. Though I wouldn't have minded it. Instead we oddly just watched some TV together. Nothing special, just watching a program she liked, cuddling. When it was over we kissed a bit and I went home.
I wondered if this was what it was like to be in a normal couple. Sadly my lack of experience was a bad thing here. I couldn't really rely on Miyu, she seemed to be depending on me. Part of me wished she'd take the lead, though I have to admit feeling awesome standing up for her.
"Are you still seeing that girl?" Kenta asked me in a hush tone after dinner that night. I still hadn't told my parents about me dating a girl, and it wasn't until he had asked me in such a manner that I actually thought of it.
"Y-Yeah."
"Oh." Kenta looked unsure of what to say. "When can I meet her?"
"You want too?"
"Yep. She better be pretty if she's going out with my sister." He said, trying to sound casual about it, but I can tell he still was weirded out by the idea.
"Thanks." I smiled at him. "I know it must be hard for you to understand…"
"When did you know that you liked her?"
That was a fair question. But it was hard for me to accurately pin-point the moment I decided that I liked her. So I shrugged. He laughed.
"That sounds just about right."
Chapter 8
8.
The next week I kept getting looks from Akiko during class, but I noticed that the gossip girls stopped staring at me. I wondered what she said to them to get them to stop. It confused me, because I would have thought after all the information she dragged out of Miyu and myself, the girls would be more curious. But they on the most part returned to normal. It was only Akiko that acted weird.
Miyu, on the other-hand, had gotten bolder and took every opportunity to lock arms or hold hands with me in public. The campus seemed to be ripe for this sort of thing, unlike some of the other public area we went too. I guess universities are just liberal that way. Miyu, also got into a new hobby of picking out outfits for me, and enjoyed playing dress up. It made her happy, so I did it. It felt odd to be seen as pretty.
After three weeks our relationship was really blossoming, thought we still hadn't worked out way to actually doing it yet. I think both of us are too shy to make the first move. Other than us changing in front of each other, that's as naked as either of us got. There was still over-the-clothes petting, maybe a bit of under, but nothing more than that. Part of me wanted to be bold and do more, and I could tell she was the same, but at the same time we didn't want to mess up what we already had.
One morning Monday morning Miyu texted me and told me she wasn't going to university that day because she was feeling under the weather. Sadly I hadn't seen her that Sunday due a family emergency so I didn't know how she got sick. I hated not seeing her several days in a row. Sometimes life happens, but I couldn't believe how much I missed her.
At lunch, I took our usual bench outside. It seemed far to lonely. But I would have taken the loneliness over Akiko awkwardly joining me with her own bento.
"Nice day to eat outdoors." She commented to me, as if we were friends.
"Yeah." I gave her a dry response, hoping she'd take the hint and go.
"Where's your girlfriend?"
"She's not feeling well today." I tried to ignore Akiko as I ate my own lunch.
"Too bad. It's rare to see you alone these days."
I glanced at her, then bit hard into my croquette. What the hell did she want anyway?
As if she could read my mind she gave a huge sigh and pushed her bento box away from her. "Why won't you talk to me anymore?"
I gave her a look, not sure where she was going with this. We didn't really talk all that much before, other than idol classroom chatting, and even then I didn't even know her name. "You called my girlfriend a loser." I finally told her.
"So what." Akiko glared at me. "Didn't I get those other girls off your back?"
"I guess so." I had suspected that was the case but now it was official. "Why did you?"
"Just because."
Great reasoning there. I thought to myself. I really didn't know what to add, other than something rude, so I didn't say anything else.
"How is everything going with Hoshino… you know, with all of that…?"
"Fine."
"C'mon give me more than that." Akiko rolled her eyes.
"I don't know what you want to hear." I told her truthfully. "You want to know if we fight? Or do you want to know how far we've gotten? Either one is too personal to tell you anyway, so what do you want me to say?"
"Don't be such a prude. I'm just curious is all. I've never met a lesbian before."
"Well I hope I'm entertaining for you." I seethed.
Akiko sighed and picked up her bento box again and scooped rice in her mouth. We ate in silence for a while then she placed her box down again. "You're not a side show to me."
"Then why do you want to know about that sort of thing?"
"I said I was curious, didn't I?"
"Yeah, well I'm not about to talk about my personal life just for your curiosity." I told her.
She gave another hard sigh, which came out more like a snort. "Fine. I'll tell you something personal if you tell me something personal."
"I don't want to know anything personal about you." I informed her. "I already know you're snuck up and noisy."
"And you're stubborn and protective."
"So what." I shot back.
"You're also pretty and caring." Akiko went on as if I didn't say anything.
"Wha-" The shift of tone was jarring. "What are you going on about?"
Akiko was blushing suddenly. "Idiot. Can't you figure it out yourself? You like girls, so you should know…"
I looked at her again, seeing her retreat her gaze from me when I studied her. "No way. You don't got the hots for me do you?"
"Shut up."
"I already have a girlfriend." I pointed out.
"I know that already. But it's your fault I started to like you in the first place, so take responsibility."
"How is it my fault?"
"You slapped me."
"Yeah… I didn't know slapping girls turned them into lesbians."
Akiko was burning red now. "It wasn't the slap, idiot. More like I could see that you really love Hoshino. It kinda… kinda turned me on."
"Ugh, I am just a fetish to you, aren't I?"
"NO!" Akiko quickly shouted. "I just realized that… that I wanted you to feel like that for me."
"Why me?"
"I don't know." Akiko. shrugged. "I guess I like girls like you is all."
"Well find one already, I'm taken." I blushed.
Akiko laughed slightly. "Yeah, cause it's that easy to just go out and find a girlfriend. I'm used to dating guys. I have no idea where to start. Since you made me like this, I want you to tell me how to get a girlfriend."
"Just ask out a girl you like." I told her simply. "What else am I supposed to say? Miyu was the one who…" But I stopped. I didn't want Akiko knowing about my first kiss.
"UGH!" Akiko groaned frustrated. "Why is it that I fell for someone like you? What's wrong with me?"
"Like I know." I sighed looking at my lunch, not really hungry now. It felt odd that Akiko confessed she liked me. The more I thought about it, the more flattered I got. But I wasn't interested in a snobby brat like her. Miyu was the only one for me.
"So, how far have you and Hoshino gone anyway?" Akiko asked.
"None of your business." I told her cooly.
"At least tell me if you've done it."
"I'm leaving now. I'm flattered you think I'm hot, but I'm not interested."
Akiko gave a fake laugh. "You think you're so cool, don't you?"
"Later."
I walked away, aware of Akiko's eyes following me. It was an odd feeling. It was awkward having her confess to me as a guy, but even more so as a girl. I wondered what that meant. Akiko must have been waiting for a chance to get me alone all this time, and I blew her off. How did I become so popular in the world of girls? I thought of Miyu, sick in her bed right now, unaware of what happened feeling slightly guilty.
When school ended I texted Miyu I was going to visit her. She texted me back telling me I didn't have too, that she didn't want to get me sick. But I was missing my Miyu fix, so I decided to go anyway. When I got to her apartment, it took quite a while for her to answer the door.
She looked out of breath and pale. I could tell she tried to make herself look a bit more pleasing in a rushed fashion, maybe even pick up a bit, as she looked completely exhausted. I pretended I didn't notice for her sake and insisted she lay back down on her futon.
"How are you feeling?"
"Not as bad as before." Miyu spoke weakly. "I think I caught a summer cold."
"Is there anything I can do?"
Miyu smiled and shook her head. "I'm happy you came… even if I look like this."
I wanted to kiss her, she was being so cute, but I knew she'd fight it. So I held her hand instead. "Don't worry, I'll wash up later." I told her as she was about to protest.
"I wish I could be better company." Miyu said after a long silence. She had been zoning out, staring at me.
"It's okay. You can go to sleep if you want. I just want to be around you." I told her truthfully. "I could make you something to eat later."
Miyu nodded, sleepy eyed, I just wanted to hug her.
"Go to sleep, Miyu-chan." I smiled at her.
Within minutes, whether she was fighting it or not, she passed out, her hand clinging to mine. I sat next to her, watching her sleep. Part of me wondered if I was being creepy, but she looked so beautiful to me, even sickly like that. I watched her chest rise and fall as she breathed in and out, and how her facial expressions changed when she started dreaming about things.
I don't know how long I was doing that, but a knock at Miyu's door broke my trance. She was dead to the world and didn't hear it, so I got up and answered the door. Standing outside was a girl I've never seen before, looking bewildered at seeing me.
"Hello? This isn't Miyu Hoshino's apartment is it? Did I get the wrong one?"
"No this is the right one." I told her quietly. "She's feeling sick, I'm just here looking out for her."
"Oh. Mind if I come in?"
"Uh…"
"Sorry. I guess it's rude of me to ask that and not tell you who I am. What was I thinking?" She giggled. Despite myself I thought she was slightly cute. Inwardly I blamed Akiko for making me realize there were other girls in the world.
"How do you know Miyu-chan?" I asked, about to let her in.
"Oh… it's rather embarrassing. I guess you can say I'm her girlfriend."
Chapter 9
9.
"Her what?" I asked, forgetting to keep my voice low.
The girl's cheeks were pink. "Please don't make me say it again. We only just started going out and I'm sort of new to all of this."
I was dumbfounded. Before I knew it, the girl swept passed me and was by Miyu's side in an instant. I turned around and saw her holding a sleeping Miyu's hand. She had utter concern on her face, and was looking down on her like I imaged I was earlier. With pure love. A pinch started to form in my heart. This wasn't real.
"Uhmm." Miyu moaned, then blinked her eyes heavily awake.
I saw her look at her hand holder, being slightly confused for a moment, then full alertness. Then I saw her eyes shift towards me. Those eyes which I feel in love with were looking at me in panic. And I knew. This wasn't a joke.
"Well… I-I guess you'll be alright with… h-her here. So I-I'll just go now, okay?" I tried to sound natural.
"Akira-chan!" Miyu mumbled weakly.
It was cowardly of me to just leave when she couldn't get up, and was too weak to explain herself. But I couldn't take it. I didn't want too. I left, acting as if nothing was wrong. But as soon as the door was shut behind me tears fell down my cheek.
I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I didn't know where I was going, but it had to be somewhere, anywhere that was away from Miyu. Somehow I found myself at the public park where Miyu and I went on a date. It was like I was trying to torture myself. I walked over to the tree where I placed her hand up my shirt, fell to the ground and cried my eyes out. People were watching me, but I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.
I got home late. I guess I must of looked scary because Mom didn't scold me for being out so late. Even my brother didn't try to tease me. I went to bed with my dirty clothes on, not caring. All I could see was that girl holding Miyu's hand, and Miyu's scared face when she realized I knew what was going on. How could she do that to me?
I skipped school the next day. I left the house so my parents wouldn't get worried about me, but I didn't go to class. I just found myself walked around town until school was out, then I returned home. I had left my phone home, so when I arrived there was about 50 messages from Miyu. I didn't bother checking them. I didn't want to hear it.
The next day I knew I couldn't avoid going not going to class anymore. I knew I'd see her. I returned to my brother's clothes again, I needed something comforting now. Being in school was nerve wracking. Any moment I expected Miyu to pop up and want to have the talk I was dreading. I didn't want hear it.
At lunch I decided to eat somewhere that I never had been before. It would lessen the chances that I'd see her. As I started to unwrap my bento, I saw Akiko join me, as if I had invited her. I wasn't in the mood for this today.
"What do you what?" I asked her gloomily.
"What happened?" She asked.
"I just wanted to wear this today is all." I informed her, thinking that's what she was on me for.
"No. Something happened, you look horrible."
"Not as pretty as you thought, huh?" I grumbled and munched on something in my bento. I didn't even know what it was.
"I didn't mean it like that." Akiko said, not giving up. "Just tell me. I won't judge you."
"It's none of-"
"-my business, yeah yeah yeah. It's like you're go-to line. You need new material."
"Can't you just leave me alone? I don't want to deal with this today."
"Ugh. You're acting like you got dumped." Akiko rolled her eyes. But something in my face gave me away. "Oh God, you got dumped didn't you?"
"I told you to leave me alone." I couldn't swallow whatever was in my mouth, there was a lump forming in my throat.
Akiko placed her bento down and gave me a hug. I pushed her away but she hugged me again. Just like out of a stupid manga. I cried again.
"S-She has another girlfriend." I told Akiko when I pulled away from her embrace.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Thankfully Akiko had nothing more to say on the matter and just sat with me in silence while I tried to choke down my lunch. Even though I hated her guts sometimes, it was nice to have someone just next to me. When lunch was over she tentatively told me I could talk to her whenever I wanted, and gave me her number.
I finished out the rest of the day in somewhat over a daze. I couldn't really concentrate on anything, I just kept thinking of Miyu. I forced myself to focus on other things, but if it wasn't Miyu's face I saw, it was the other woman. The other woman… how preposterous. I thought.
When I left the school I had a feeling in my stomach that I'd run into Miyu at our usual meeting spot. I stopped, unsure if I wanted to face her just yet. But dread filled me. Eventually I'd have to face her. I swallowed and summoned all of my courage and went on.
Sure enough, there she was. She still looked slightly pale from her illness, but was just as pretty as ever. My stomach was doing flip-flops when her eyes turned to me, zoning in on mine. Those eyes that betrayed me.
"Akira-chan… can we talk?" She spoke in a slightly shaking voice.
I nodded.
She took me by the hand. I wanted to swat them away, but as she led me away I just followed quietly. She took me to an outdoor cafe. Maybe so I couldn't cause a scene and just leave on her… I don't know. We ordered some tea, but sat in without saying anything as I saw her trying to work out how to explain everything to me. I just wanted to leave.
"Who was she?" I forced myself to say, just trying to get Miyu to hurry up and get it over with.
"Risa Fukuyama." Miya said automatically, as if she was on some kind of truth serum. "She's in some of my classes."
"I see." I looked away, unable to take her gaze.
"She confessed to me a week before I c-confessed to you." Miyu went on. "I accepted her, but I was scared. I thought maybe I should ask out a boy because-"
"-you didn't want to be a freak." I finished bitterly.
"Nothing like that… I told you I'm fine with girl relationships. But I never thought I'd be in one. I thought I'd try out asking a guy. Only he turned out to be you. So here I was, dating Risa and starting to get to know you. I only was just going to go on that one date…but…"
"So you were trapped huh?" I tried not to sound angry, but I wasn't doing so well at it.
"Y-Yeah. At first I just went along with what Risa wanted because I didn't have the courage to say no. I never went out with anyone before and it was really nice. But our date turned out so great and when we kissed… I knew there was something there. Things just kept leading to another and before I knew it I had two girlfriends."
I couldn't say anything. I wanted to hate her, even if I could understand her reasoning. She was the shy type, it must of been hard for her. But at the same time she should have just picked one of us. I couldn't help but be angry at her.
"Both of you are special to me." Miyu was still staring at me. "It kills me that I hurt you."
"Who are you going to pick?" I blurted out. Even now, I'm insensitive about this sort of thing.
"I'm sorry, Akira-chan." Miyu's eyes were away from me now. I found I missed them. "I care for you a great deal, but Risa was first… and I love her. I already told her I was going to..to… to break up with you."
"I see." I started to get up. "Sorry if I messed things up with her."
"Akira-chan…" Miyu looked at me pathetically. "I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?"
"I don't know." I couldn't look at her anymore. "I changed everything for you… I… I.."
I don't even remember leaving. I was just walking. I can't even remember if Miyu said anything to me as I left, or if I paid for the tea, anything. My life was shattered right then and there. I didn't even know where I was until I was snapped back into reality when I saw the other woman, sitting on a swing looking throughly depressed and red eyed. She saw me, and both our tear stained eyes met. Somehow I ended up sitting on the swing next to her.
"She dumped you then?" Risa asked.
"Yeah."
"You hate me?"
"Not really." I told her. "You didn't know about me."
"Yeah." She muttered. "I almost told her to go to hell when she begged for me to forgive her."
I looked at her, oddly feeling connected to her. Out of everyone in the world, only us two knew what the other felt like at this moment.
"I gave myself to her." Risa spoke softly. "Everything. And she did that to me."
"Why'd you take her back?"
"Because… I'm an idiot. I love her too much." Risa looked depressed. "It's her eyes."
My heart stung. "Yeah…"
There was a small a long time of nothing but birds chirping when finally Risa spoke. "Did you… did you ever…"
"Sleep with her?" I asked."
Risa only nodded.
"No. I'm not lying. We never got to that point." I assured her.
"I hate her so much." Risa sniffed. "But can't live without her. I'm such an idiot."
I looked at her feeling a sting in my heart. "No you're not. If she picked me… I'd stay with her too."
We both cried. I hated myself but I took a slight comfort that Risa hated herself more. When I left her, I wished her good luck, and meant it. In my mind she was a sweet girl who deserved better than what she got. I deserved better. Miyu wasn't as shy and innocent as I thought, and my whole world was different. Now what was I going to do? I reached into my pocket and felt a piece of paper then and remembered what it was. It was Akiko's number.
Chapter 10
10.
I pulled it out and looked at the number, wondering if I should call her. It seemed stupid to call Akiko, having to relive everything about, but I didn't want to be alone. Plus she probably didn't want to hear me blubber on about some girl she hated. But I was tired of crying. My eyes hurt.
"Hello?" Akiko's voice came from my phone. She sounded confused as she didn't recognize my number. I didn't answer. I was tempted to hang up on her. "Hello?"
I still didn't answer, I don't know why my voice was failing me, but I couldn't talk.
"I can hear you breathing." Akiko's voice came back. "Hello?"
"Hello." I managed out. My voice sounded cracked. and horrible.
"Who is this?"
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called." I spilled out quickly and hung up, my heart pounding.
I was about to place my phone back into my pocket but it rang. It was Akiko's number. Feeling foolish I answered the phone.
"Haneda, is that you?"
"Yeah."
"You idiot, you scared me breathing all heavy." Akiko's voice had a hint of laughter in it.
"Sorry."
There was a moment of silence then she asked. "What's wrong?"
"I met with Miyu-chan earlier." I told her lamely. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Then why'd you call- oh nevermind, where are you? Do you want some company."
"Yes."
We made arrangements to meet at the same park Miyu and I went on our first date. I don't know why I picked that out, it was close by and I for some reason I wanted to torture myself more. When I arrived, I saw Akiko was already there, completely out of breath, with her fringe matted to her forehead. it looked like she ran the whole way there from where ever she was. Part of me felt moved.
"There you care Haneda-san." She said, breathlessly.
We walked in the park in, neither of us speaking. I didn't want to talk and for once she didn't press. Somewhere along the line, Akiko had grabbed my hand was was holding it tight. I allowed her to hold it. It felt nice.
"So, how should I be?" Akiko interrupted my self-loathing. "Do you want me to hate Hoshino for you or just pretend she doesn't exist?"
"I don't know." I told her. I really didn't know what I wanted to feel myself.
"Well for the time being I'll hate her, how's that?"
"Okay." I smiled slightly.
"By the way, I hope you don't go back to looking like this all the time."
I looked down at myself, remembering I was in my bother's clothes again. "Oh."
"I like you better in girl's clothes."
"I don't think I can dress like that anymore. Miyu-chan liked me in girl's clothes."
"So what. Rub in what she's missing out on." Akiko stuck her tongue out.
Something inside of me laughed at that, even if I didn't do it outwardly. "Yeah right. I met the other girl today. She's cuter than me."
"Is she cuter than me?" Akiko asked.
"I don't know. You're about the same."
"Some smooth talker you are." Akiko kept things light. "You're supposed to go 'Oh no, you're way cuter than she is. In fact she's a fat cow.' Or something like that."
"You're cuter." I told her. "Does that make you feel better?"
"Hmm, I dunno." Akiko played looking confused. "Do you think Hoshino is the jealous type?"
"I don't care if she is." I murmered bitterly.
"Woah. Okay too soon, Akiko." Akiko said to herself. "I was going to make a joke about how you can pretend to be going out with me to piss her off. Sorry about that."
"It's alright. I know you're just trying to cheer me up. Besides, I couldn't use you like that anyway. Not after what you told me the other day."
"Oh that… don't worry about it. I'm not here trying to catch a date or anything. Though I wouldn't be opposed to it."
I looked at her wondering if she really did like me like she said she said. At the time she didn't have any reason to lie. But I couldn't ask that now. My heart still felt broken and I couldn't trust myself on what I'd do if she took advantage of it.
"Hmm, this is it. Here I saw you before with Hoshino." Akiko looked at the big tree that was once a special place in my heart.
"Let's turn around." I looked away.
"Why'd you pick here, of all places?"
"I wanted to punish myself." I told her without even thinking. It was true. Why else would I come back here after being dumped?
"It's not your fault, why are you punishing yourself?"
"For falling for her."
"That's stupid."
"You're doing a real good job at cheering me up." I told her sarcastically.
"Well it is. You can't help who you fall in love with. Trust me, I know."
I wondered if she was referring to her feelings towards me, but I dare not ask that now.
"Look, she was in the wrong, right? She was cheating, not you. So don't hate yourself. Hate her."
"I wish I could. I want to but I can't."
"Why? Because she acts so shy and sweet? She's nothing but a two-timer."
"Please don't talk about her like that." I couldn't take it.
"You don't have to defend her actions to me. I'm sure there are reasons she did what she did. But you called me to be that friend. You know, the one who points out all the flaws in your ex and helps you move on? So let me rage and hate her all I can; hate her in ways you can never allow yourself to do. That way you can live through me and get over her flat ass."
I laughed. Akiko was just so odd. "Okay." I gave in a little.
She let go of my hand and rolled up her sleeves. "Now tell me something that really annoyed you about her."
"I don't know…"
"C'mon, just trust me on this one…"
I tried to think. It felt wrong to do this, but part of me wanted it at the same time. "I guess the biggest thing was she always wanted me to take charge… I was new to the whole girlfriend thing too, but somehow because I look like this I got picked to be the boy role."
"So you're saying if we ever go out, I have to be the guy?" Akiko scrunched her nose.
"Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, no, sorry. Well you are less outspoken than I am, so I guess it's okay if I take the lead."
"Who said we were going out?" I couldn't help but smirk.
"No one apparently." Akiko teased. "Then again, if I'm the guy, I guess it should be me…"
"Oh stop." I tried to stop smiling at her nonsense, but she was cheering me up despite myself.
"So you don't like weak women." Akiko continued. "I'm glad I got that covered. Okay, what else?"
"What else of what?"
"What annoyed you about Hoshino?"
"You're still on that?"
"Go on…"
"Ummm… I guess being a cheating bitch is a given." I found myself saying, then immediately felt guilty for saying it. "I didn't mean that."
Akiko smiled warily and hugged me. I accepted her hug unconsciously smelling her hair in the process. I had gotten used to doing that with Miyu. I'm such a moron.
"Why are you being so kind to me?" I asked her, still holding on to her.
"To get in your pants, dummy."
And so my friendship with Akiko began that day. I guess there are always goods and bads when a relationship ends. When you're in the heat of it, you don't see the things that matter later on. I was so into Miyu that I was blinded to any hint that she was the type of person she was. The sad thing is that a week later Miyu actually came up to me and told me Risa broke up with her and that she wanted me back. If Akiko hadn't be helping me out all that time I would have given in.
I don't hate Miyu. Part of me still loves her. But I can't ever be with her again after the way she used me like that. I know she's a shy person and that she had trouble with picking which girl she liked, but she led both me and Risa on for way to long. I still see her every now and then and part of me wants to kiss her like we used to kiss.
A good thing that came out of this was that Risa and I met. She's much more receptive towards the Miyu-hate that Akiko likes to spew out than I am. I asked her why she broke up with Miyu later on and she told me that all she could think about was how heart broken I looked when I was dumped and knew that was her future.
Akiko wouldn't allow me to go back to wearing boys clothes. As soon as I was out of my depression, she forced me to dress girly again. I wasn't to hot on the idea until all the glowing praises I got from both Akiko and Risa. I guess compliments do help out the ego.
We formed a trio of sorts. Akiko still has a thing for me, but I don't feel the same way for her. She's a better friend, I guess. I feel bad that I can't acknowledge my feelings for her, but she understands. Right now she's dating some korean girl in the art department with multicolored dreadlocks. Risa and I tease her all the time for that.
If I were to date anyone in our trio it would be Risa, but both of us know that we can't make it work. We both dated Miyu, it'd be too weird. Sometimes I think about it though, and wish we could. She's so pretty, and we have that same chemistry I had with Miyu. But like I said… Miyu memories happen whenever we get too close. Maybe some day... but not now. Right now she's got her eye on some freshman girl from the sticks. I can't see the appeal, other than she's got really big boobs.
As for me I'm not seeing anyone. I dated a rebound girl after Miyu, but that didn't last long. She was bisexual and just wanted something physical. It sucks that she was my first time, but I guess that's life. Right now I'm just enjoying having good friends with my options open for something special in the future. Whatever happens will happen. I'll just take life moment to moment.
And I guess that's all.
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