Chapter 5: A Small God, Lost In The Night
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Her thoughts were pleasantly foggy later when she woke alone in her and Anara's cot. Anara was with their children on the other cot, entertaining them as she often did. As she began to tell them a story, Kes snuggled with the blanket a little more and sighed, smiling a little to herself, content to stay where she was for now and listen to the story too. Anara's voice was so beautiful...
"Long before the Kazon people existed, before the Eight, there were Two." Anara began her story. "They were Kazeron, god of the darkness, and his sister, Kazerel, goddess of the light. Like all siblings, like the both of you my darling ones, Kazeron and Kazerel liked to play games, and they danced and sang songs and, one day, they thought to try to make beings other than themselves. Their great and terrible powers crashed together in a storm of creation, and from it were born the second Two. They were Zonara, goddess of life, and Jalaris, god of fire.
"Like their older siblings, Zonara and Jalaris, in time, came to think that they could do what their older brother and sister had done, and so they brought their powers together and so was born the world of Kaze - of fire and of life. And of Kaze, so also were born Razal, god of stone and earth, and Harasail, goddess of water and sky. And, in time, in their turn, Razal and Harasail brought forth the youngest of the Eight sibling: Perila, goddess of the forest, and Kajet, god of animals.
"Life on Kaze was peaceful, but stagnant, with no one to whom the siblings could relate to very deeply, so they decided to come together and create a new form of life - one that came from all of them equally. And so the Kazon people were born. And so we each need that which we were born from to survive: light, darkness, fire, life, stone, soil, water, air, the fruit of the forest, and the flesh of animals. All must be present for us to live, and all must be in balance for our people to truly thrive. So too, do we need both men and women to live together, in balance, just as the Eight have always done. And so, the Eight set this responsibility before us, to tend to the world they created and gave us to live upon, to always keep it in balance, and to always honor their examples to us." Anara finished.
"And those like my uncle don't." Tresit said softly. "Even more of a reason it was good that I took his life from him..."
"...If uncle is gone, does that mean we can live in father's house again? Will father come back home? Or, uncle Ralka?" Lanam asked hopefully.
"...I wish it did mean that, Lanam, but... that's..." Anara couldn't say anymore.
"It doesn't work that way, little sister. Maybe it should, but it doesn't." Tresit told her, saying what their mother didn't want to.
"But it did happen in the story. The one you told us, about the family and the lost ketlit? Remember, they came back?" She insisted. "You said so." She told her mom.
"I did, but..." Anara again didn't have the words.
"Tell us the story next, momma, please?" Lanam asked hopefully.
Anara sighed. "I can do that." She told her softly.
"I like the story." Lanam said. "Don't you like it, Tresit?" She asked her brother.
"...It's a good story, of course I like it too." Tresit told her kindly, doing something that made her giggle a little. Kes couldn't tell what because her eyes were still closed, and she didn't want to open them and risk disrupting the storytelling with their concern for her.
"Tell the story, mother, please?" Lanam asked.
"All right, I will." Anara replied gently, and she began. "Once, when Kaze was green and bountiful and still blessed by it's creators, and all our people lived there and were not scattered among the stars... On a hill, near the edge of the forests of unknown lands, a family lived in a meager house - a father, a mother, a son, a daughter. One day, when the children were... actually about the ages the two of you both are now, they went off exploring in the woods and they found a small ketlit, hurt and alone. They wanted to help him, but didn't know how, so the brother took the ketlit up in his arms and they brought it back to their parents.
"The family had little, but what they had, they shared, and they nursed the lost ketlit back to health, day by day. They shared their home, and treated the ketlit as though he were of their family as well. In the fullness of time, this newest member of their family grew strong once again, and all seemed well... That is, until one dark day, when the earth shook, the sky poured torrents of water, and a mighty wind threatened to blow their house down.
"The family sought to flee the house and seek safety in the forest where the trees might be able to protect them, but it was not to be, for the little girl soon realized that the ketlit they all loved was not with them and must still be back in the house, and so she left her family and went back for him. Her brother, seeing her run back to the house, went back for her, and so, of course, their parent had no choice but to turn to try to save their children... the wind had no mercy in her that day though, for the house fell and the family were struck dead in the tumbling wood and stone.
"The story was not done though, for, soon, the skies parted, the earth stilled, the winds calmed, the sun again shone down it's benevolence on the land... and the family, by a power beyond their knowing, were brought back to life to stand there upon the hill, together and whole. They hugged each other and cried and gave thanks to the Eight for their lives, and, before them, the ketlit they had taken in emerged from the rubble of their house and spoke to them in reply.
"He told them that he was, in reality, Kazeron, god of the darkness. He explained that, as he had watched the tide of Kaze's history, he had seen the Kazon people, whom he and his siblings had created, ignore the land, and start to lose their way. In the darkness that was the unknown future to come, he told them that he had seen portents that spoke ill of the Kazon's ultimate fate. He told them that his sister who lit the way from the past towards the future, ever hopeful as she always was, had set before him a challenge: That he descend down from the heavens above and take the form of a small and helpless animal, that he place himself at the mercy of those whose hearts he doubted, and that, in this way, would they both come to know the truth of the Kazon's heart.
"And he told them that he had seen that truth in them, and that, because of that, he and his siblings would set them as guardians of his sister's hope. Kazerel, his sister, came down from the sky and stood beside him, and Kazeron showed them his true face. And then the Six remaining gods and goddesses all gathered around them and gave the family their blessings. And so it was that the first majs were named. Rokin and Cajel, the parents of the children who had found Kazeron in the woods that day. And so the title would pass down to their children, and their children's children..." Anara finished.
"See?" Lanam pointed out. "Father and uncle could come back. They were good, like the family in the story were. It could happen."
Kes opened her eyed and turned a little so she could see, keeping the blankets over for warmth, and she saw Anara smiling to their daughter and kissing her forehead. "I can't say for certain that they won't." She told them. "Who among us can know such things until they happen?" She told her softly.
"I think it could happen." Lanam said. "Mother Kes came and saved us, and it was just like that too. She has powers like the Eight do in the story even."
"If it did happen," Tresit said. "Then wouldn't Kes not be our mother anymore, because mother and father would have been married first. Is that what you want to happen?"
"That's dumb." Lanam said. "Why couldn't they just share? Mother always says that's the right thing to do, even when there isn't very much water or food."
"...Marriages are different." Tresit explained. "There can't be three people, only Two. It's like the story - Two, Two, Two, and Two - no Threes. It isn't allowed. Even now, with the Eight betrayed, it's still punished with death. Even a maj can't do that without his sect taking his life for it and his name being cursed forever. The Eight would be angry and take father away from us again, even if they did bring him back."
"Then, then..." Lanam looked frustrated, like she was trying to think really hard of something to tell Tresit so he would be wrong (Lanam liked it when she could make her brother admit she was right and he wasn't), but she didn't seem to be having much success this time.
"It's alright, you don't have to worry, Lanam." Anara told her.
"I know!" Lanam said. "Father and uncle could be the Two, a different Two. Then there's no problem, see?" She told Tresit like she'd just figured out something really impressive and she expected him to acknowledge it's impressiveness.
Tresit, in fact, did look kind of flummoxed, and he was actually blushing a little too. "Well, it probably wouldn't happen anyway..." He tailed off.
"But it could, you don't know it won't." Lanam countered.
"Fine, I don't know it won't." Tresit admitted. He usually did let Lanam have her way for things like this, Kes had noticed.
Kes had to smile. Lanam really could be clever sometimes, and she was flattered that she would want her and Anara to stay together, even if her father came back. It made her feel so good to know that she'd accepted her as her parent so much already. It could have easily gone the other way and Lanam could have wished her to be with her uncle Ralka instead. She sighed and looked over at Tresit, smiling as Lanam tackled him and they wrestled in bed a little (not seriously at all of course).
Her and her wife's eyes met then, and Anara smiled shyly to her, getting up from their children's bed and walking over to her. She knew Anara could only see her as an indistinct shape, but, even so, Anara had been able to tell that she was awake and looking at her. Kes realized it was because their mental bond was still there, just a little. It had been, even while she'd been sleeping. She remembered it, just vaguely, that Anara had been there with her even when she'd been sleeping.
As Anara knelt down by the cot beside her, Kes strengthened their bond a little more, and mentally spoke to her. --Good morning, inraya... I love you.-- Kes told her, reaching out to touch her face in a soft caress. 'Inraya' was the Kazon word that meant approximately 'one whom I honor above all, to whom I will always belong'. It was a term of endearment that a wife would traditionally use towards her husband, who would, if he were so inclined, reply by addressing her as 'omraya', which meant approximately 'one who belongs only to me, to whom I will always give my protection'. Kes supposed she could use 'omraya' herself, but that just didn't feel right to her. She knew she would protect Anara with all that she had in her if needed, but she didn't like that using the other word would imply some kind of superiority on her part, even ownership, because she'd seen for herself what a typical Kazon male probably thought of as 'belongs to' and she in no way wanted to imply to her wife that she had any feelings remotely like that towards her. Using 'inraya', to Kes, was a symbol that they would always belong to one another, equally, and that was what she wanted their relationship to always be.
Anara touched her face in return, running a hand through her hair and moving in to kiss her. --Inraya... This love for you is boundless...-- Anara spoke back to her through their link. The words were a romantic phrase used in early Kazon poetry, referencing an epic poem Anara's mother used to recite to her when she was a girl. The full verse went 'This love for you is boundless. This cause is yours to keep. Our eyes upon the heavens, the skies for us must weep.' The poem was about a love story between one of the early majs of Kaze and the woman he loved from a rival sect, written against a backdrop of a time of great unrest. Through their link, Kes knew, her wife had never been moved to say things like that to her husband (who was never one for poetry) when he'd been alive, and it made Kes glad that she could be that for her - that she could be a person with whom Anara could share her most secret self, without fear of rejection.
"I think we should go play a game outside now, Lanam." Tresit told his sister in a somewhat hushed voice.
"Why?" Lanam asked.
Their kiss broke and Kes smiled against her wife's lips in amusement, Anara doing likewise.
"Never mind that now, just come with me, and I'll tell you why later." Tresit told her.
"If you say so." Lanam agreed. "Just don't forget, okay?" She made sure to tell him.
"I won't, now come sister." Tresit said, taking his sister outside to play in the afternoon shade. It was that time of day when the sun was waning and the temperature was becoming more comfortable again.
Kes giggled. "They're so cute sometimes." She told her.
"They truly are." Anara replied, giving her another brief kiss and then getting up, Kes shifting in bed to give her room to sit, and then cozying up to her once she had.
They kissed again for long minutes on end, neither in any hurry to do anything else or say anything else.
Finally though, Anara stopped and sighed. Kes cupped her chin gently and ran her hand up her forearm from where she'd been resting it over Anara's hand. "What is it?" Kes asked softly, not really quite ready to consider all the many things it could be. She'd been deliberately not thinking very much about what had happened in the morning after they'd both been woken up by Lanam's cries for her missing brother.
"I could... I could feel it, Kes." Anara told her softly. "When... what you thought, looking at Tresit, after he had... done what he had done... After you saw the proof of his actions." She confessed. "You couldn't hide those feelings from me."
"...I'm sorry." Kes told her, caressing her cheek again and then bringing her hands to her wife's shoulder.
"Please beloved, I could never seek to shame you... I only..." Anara trailed off, unable to find the words.
"You can tell me. Whatever it is, Anara, you can tell me." Kes told her, kissing her just softly for a moment again. "I promise, you can tell me anything and I will always love you just the same. My sacred oath, upon my blood and bones, forever." She told her, using a Kazon pledge that basically meant that Anara had a right to... chop her to into very small pieces and feed those pieces to nearby animals if she went back on her word. It was kind of a grizzly thing to say, but Kes knew that Anara would be moved by a promise like that.
Anara smiled to her shyly, running a hand through her hair and making a small humming sound. "My life for you, my... my soul for you..." Anara told her, devotion clear and bright in her words.
"...and mine for you..." Kes told her, kissing her again.
The kiss was long and sweet and much more a promise than a seduction; though, of course, it would always be that too, Kes knew.
The kiss broke, and they were both breathing just a little bit deeper. "...Tell me." Kes spoke softly.
"...Can you forgive him? Our... our son, I saw... I saw how you loved him before. How you loved them both without even having to try... it's one of the reasons it was so easy to trust you and love you, one of the many reasons why I loved you without even having to try. Is it still the same? Do you... do you love him the same, or... do you... feel ashamed for him...? Has... has he lost honor in your eyes?" She asked.
Kes's eyes had widened as her wife had asked those last questions. She closed her eyes then, and knew she had to give her an answer. She looked inside herself for one. "I will always love him, Anara... he's my son. If not by blood, then, in every other way he feels like he's my child." She opened her eyes and touched her hands to her wife's cheeks. "It was... hard for me to see what he'd done. But... I... I've nearly killed twice now. I would... I would kill - for you, or for them? If there was... no other way, then I know that I would if I were able to because I'd have to... but... I just, it's true that I don't see this the same way you do. I don't... I don't see honor in it, or... or something to be proud of. It just... makes me feel sad... like it's tragedy, of whatever scale, or quality, or necessity, but still a tragedy. It's... I wish it hadn't happened, that it wasn't like this... that your brother Tulk had been a better man, a better brother to you, in some way... There's not an easy answer though, and I know that wishes like that are of no substance or reason, but my feelings are mine, and they're for you, and for them... It might not be what you'd want of me, but it's what I have, and I can... only hope that it's enough?"
"Inraya..." Anara spoke gently, moving forward to touch her forehead to Kes's, her hands laying at the back of the base of Kes's neck.
"I will always love him, and he hasn't... he hasn't lost honor to me, but..." Kes sighed. "I suppose I'll just... be very happy to go back under the surface with you, with them, so that this... So that he won't have to worry about things like vengeance again."
Anara moved forward and kissed her again then, Kes letting the blankets drop from her chest. --You are so beautiful...-- Anara told her, thoughts to thoughts, as Kes gratefully returned the kiss, relieved to have the difficult issue resolved between them. Relieved that Anara accepted her still. It had been hard to talk about, but Kes knew in her heart it was good that Anara had made her confront her feelings and share her heavy heart with her. She knew that, because, somehow, her heart felt so much lighter now for having told her.
Anara moved forward against her then, one hand traveling upward to cup one of Kes's breasts. --Lay for me?-- She asked a little shyly.
--I'm yours. My heart and soul... for you...-- Kes replied, letting her wife lay her down on their cot before her so that she could claim her once again. Their lips met again for a long string of kisses, Kes tangling one hand in Anara's long curly hair.
When she whimpered a little, trying to work Anara's clothing off, her wife pulled away, slowly at first, and sat up straddling her. Kes looked up at her in question as Anara smiled down to her and began to take off her clothes as Kes looked on. Kes's hands traveled up to slide over the skin of her thighs and Kes swallowed, her heart beating faster in her chest and her body alive with want and anticipation of the passion to come... She loved being married, even more than she'd ever imagined she would.
When Anara was as unencumbered as she, her wife lowered herself down over her again and they kissed, Kes's hands going one to one of her wife's breasts, the other to her back. Her body arched a little against Anara's, seeking more closeness. Their mental bond deepened as they continued to make love, it happening even without Kes consciously thinking about doing it. She could feel Anara wanted it, wanted to fall into each other again and share their feelings and perspectives all over again as they had before. Kes wanted that too, so much it was almost overwhelming, and it felt so very good when their bond bloomed again in full.
They made love three times over until tiredness made them stop and they snuggled together under the blankets, Kes very contentedly kissing the skin on her wife's neck while they held hands and held each other close. Anara was smiling and humming just softly, both of them feeling very thoroughly satisfied. Kes stilled her kisses after a time and lay her head down, snuggling all the closer with her wife, her eyes closed and breathing soft.
They lay like that for Kes was pleasantly unaware of how long, but, at one point, she heard Tresit bring his sister inside and put her to bed to rest, her having tired herself out, and him telling her that he was going to go outside and meditate for a while before he came in again, and that then they'd have a meal together.
The mention of a meal reminded Kes, and, by the extension of their mental bond, Anara as well, that she would need to go out for another round of thieving soon in order prepare for their exodus across the desert and down under the surface. Kes sighed, not really wanting to think about it until she had to, because she knew Tresit would want to go with her, and that he'd also want to steal his little brother back while they were in the city. Kes could easily tell that Anara was as well aware of that as she, and further, she could tell how conflicted and secretly hopeful her wife was at the idea of having her lost son back. Kes could hardly blame her of course, she remembered that cute little boy she'd seen in the hallway in his cousin's arms and her heart all too easily went out to him. He was her son now too, after all - Tresit and Lanam's brother - she couldn't help feeling that way... Still, it was dangerous... she didn't like to think how dangerous it might actually be.
--Anara...?-- Kes asked.
--Yes?-- Anara answered, her thoughts soft and full of adoration for her, despite their shared undercurrent of worry.
--The story you told, about the first majs?--
--What about it?-- Anara asked.
--Just... if that, or something like it, really happened, then... how did it all go wrong for them? For your people?-- Kes asked, thoughtful.
--I don't know if the story is true either, or even partly true, but... it is an accepted fact of our history that a line of majs who, at least claimed linage with Rokin and Cajel from the legend, ruled our united people for many generations...-- Anara began thoughtfully, now playing the story teller again as she so often had. Kes snuggled just a small bit closer to her and kissed the skin of her neck lightly, encouraging her to continue.
--At one point, their line came to be ruled by a maj named Umral, who was... a reformer. He claimed that the Eight spoke to him and commanded him to build great cities in their names. He conscripted or compelled in some way many, if not most, of our people to build these cities for him. He worked them too hard though, it seemed, for they all rose up against him in the end and slew him and his family in one night of blood and death. It also hadn't helped him that he hadn't had a wife, or even a husband; as you know, my people are superstitious about such things. And, for one of his age and position, it was... very unusual.-- She went on. --In any case, as you might guess, that was the day the sects began to rise with us. Many argued that they should be the next maj, and, in time, factions gathered together and, when a peace could not be found between them, the first great war in our history began... Kaze emmerged from that war a broken world, with far too many dead and eleven nations standing where once was only one.
--My mother told me that this was the great breaking point when we lost balance with the Eight, with our world... She told me that she thought Umral wrong to have worked his people so hard, and that he broke faith with the Eight in his own right to not marry, but that what the people had done in response was much, much worse. They ravaged the lands in their wars... It was from the seeds of that first great war that the dark times came many generations later. Our world no longer green and kind, no longer in any sort of balance, the Eight having abandoned us for our foolishness and cruelty. An then, as you're aware, the Trabe came, and we were... lost to them.
--In the end though, if the Trabe had truly wished to keep us at their mercy, then they would have been better served to learn our history, for they made Umral's mistake - they made worse than his mistake. And they paid his price, as my people again rose up and slew their tormentors in a night of blood and death.-- Anara spoke. --But, of course, as my mother said, we are making Umral's usurpers' mistake all over again unto this very day... I have no doubt, if my people continue down that road as they have been, then Kazeron's warning may well come true one day... and we will all be lost in darkness, a dead race, even as we seek to visit that very fate upon the Trabe for their crimes against us.-- Anara finished, having lost herself a little in her emotions.
Kes was silent for a time. --...There's hope though.-- She finally said. --For all of Kazeron's darkness, isn't it always matched by Kazerel's light? And, even though Kazeron... he told them that he saw that horrible future for them, but he still wanted to change it. If... your people really do come from them, from Kazerel and Kazeron, and the other Six that came after them, then how can the Kazon be as bad as it seems?-- Kes asked. --When I lay here with you, safe and loved, having found a place to belong at last, and someone to belong to... how can I believe that a people you came from are so terrible as that? ... Kazerel's faith in you hasn't died, not as long as you live, Anara... it can't have...-- Kes told her with soft sincerity and total faith that her words had to be true.
Anara had no words to reply with, but Kes was more than happy to be rolled over onto her back and kissed as thoroughly as Anara was kissing her. They kissed for long, timeless minutes, pleasantly absent of much thought at all, simply enjoying each other and the love they'd come to share, not taking it any further than that this time.
After a time, their fervor for one another again faded and they settled back together, Anara snuggled above Kes this time in a reverse of their previous positions. --Thank you.-- Anara told Kes softly at one point. --Your words meant so much to me...--
Kes merely kissed her skin again in response and told her in something less and yet more than words how she felt.
Soon, Tresit came back in and they both knew they had to get up to share the day's last meal with their children. Kes had eaten something after she'd brought Tresit back that morning, and been given water when she'd returned, but that's all she'd had all day. She hadn't realized it so much when she'd been laying with her wife in bed, but now that she wasn't in Anara's arms anymore, she realized she really did want a meal and she was grateful that they were going to eat soon.
Once she and Anara had helped each other dress again, Kes sat on the floor with her new family and they ate together. They talked about light subjects, Tresit thankfully not bringing up the morning's events, and Lanam strangely quiet. So quiet, that Kes was actually a little concerned, and she knew that Anara was too.
When they'd got back, Lanam had hugged her brother and not let go for a long time. She'd also treated Kes as though she was even more her hero than she had been before. Lanam had asked questions later of course, and they'd told her what had happened... though, they'd still left out the part about little Vastu. Kes wasn't sure that was the right thing anymore, and she turned to Anara and asked her silently through their bond if they should tell her.
Anara was conflicted, but, in the end, she didn't want to tell Lanam and then have it turn out that she'd never be able to see Vastu at all. Kes understood that of course, and agreed it was the best thing... though she was still less than sure, just like Anara was.
They were finishing up their still less than completely filling meal, Tresit volunteering to put things away, when Lanam got up and went back to her and Tresit's bed. Kes followed after her and knelt down beside her bed, feeling helpless to do anything but that. She reached out and touched her daughter's face and hair a little. "You're... so quiet, Lanam... Daughter, is something wrong?" She asked.
Tears escaped Lanam's eyes and she all but threw herself forward, Kes taking her up and setting her down in her lap as Anara came over to sit next to her. "Momma..." Lanam said to her as Kes held her close and felt like she might cry too any moment. Anara wrapped her arms around them from behind and lay her head on Kes's shoulder.
"It'll be alright, my asasha... we'll be alright." Kes told her softly. 'Asasha' was a Kazon word for 'treasured and beloved daughter'.
Tresit came over and sat on the edge of the bed, looking worried but unsure of what he could do or say to help. His and Kes's eyes met and Kes could see the guilt hiding there - he thought this was his fault. What made it worse for him was that, whether it was because what he'd done was wrong or not, he was the reason why Lanam was upset and they both knew that was true. Still, she offered him an encouraging look as she softly repeated "We'll be alright, I promise."
He looked grateful to her for having said it, and Kes offered him a small smile in response.
Lanam seemed to slowly calm down and move back from clinging to her to dry her tears. Kes touched her hair and cupped her chin lightly, Lanam nuzzling her hand a little and closing her eyes. "Daughter, what's wrong? Please, will you tell me?" Kes asked softly.
"I don't know..." Lanam replied in a small voice.
"...Are you scared?" Kes asked, making a guess from the jumble of feelings she couldn't help but vaguely sensing from her. "Maybe, um... maybe about going to sleep and Tresit not being there when you wake up? Are you worried it could happen again?" She asked, meeting Tresit's eyes again and seeing the renewed guilt there.
"Maybe, I guess." Lanam admitted, sounding a little embarrassed to admit to it. "I thought... I thought maybe he'd go away, like father, that you'd go away too..."
"I'll always try very hard to make sure that doesn't ever happen. I promise." Kes told her gently.
Lanam didn't say anything, she just hugged her again. "...I love you, momma." Lanam told her softly at last.
"...I love you too, asasha. We all do, so much." Kes told her.
Lanam sniffed and sat back again, realizing she couldn't stay where she was forever. Kes handed her over to Anara then. "Momma." Lanam said again, snuggling up to Anara for another hug and sounding in much improved spirits. Anara soon got up with their daughter in her arms and sat on her and Tresit's cot, starting to sing one of her people's songs in a soft but so beautiful voice.
Anara reached out and took Tresit's hand, and Kes took Tresit's other hand as Tresit started to sing the song too. Kes joined in too and lay her head against Anara's thigh on the cot.
They sang two more songs until Lanam was fading fast and nearly asleep. "We are always here for you, we are family and we love you with all our hearts, asasha." Anara cooed to her in a very soft voice, handing Lanam over to her brother who took her in his arms and hugged her as Anara left the cot and sat down on the floor with Kes, reaching out to hold her hand.
Tresit and Anara helped Lanam out of her clothes, Tresit getting undressed too, and then putting her to bed. He sat up then and looked to Kes, knowing, of course, that eye contact would mean nothing to Anara who wouldn't know he was doing it, and he spoke. "Mother, mother... I... I am ashamed to have frightened her. I promise, I'll try very hard never to do it again."
"We accept your word, beloved elshyash." Anara replied, touching his cheek fondly. His and Kes's eyes met and Kes nodded to him to signal that she agreed with Anara too.
He swallowed and nodded, looking unsure of himself but gratified to have their faith. "...um, good night then." He told them softly.
"Goodnight, elshyash." Kes replied.
He got under the blanket and let Lanam snuggle up to him like she usually did. She and Anara lingered there a moment, Anara squeezing Kes's hand and leaning against her shoulder. After a few moments passed, Kes nudged her wife and they got up together and went to their own cot, helping each other undress and then getting into bed together.
--You were so wonderful with them...-- Anara told her, wrapping Kes in her arms as she snuggled in for sleep together.
--...before I'd met you, I'd never really thought about having a family... I'd never let myself see that far into what my future might be. Some... some female couples among my people do have children. They make bargains with male couples to accomplish it. For instance, agreeing that the child would be given to the male couple if male, or the female couple if female - or whatever other bargain the couple in question want to agree to. I found that out when Lona took me to visit with some of them one day on the outskirts of the city in the area they've gathered and made their home. Lona'd been sad that I wouldn't be able to have children like she could, so she'd investigated it. She was so happy for me when she'd found that my attraction to females instead of males didn't have to mean I would be childless. But, by that time, I was too scared that Tae would reject me that I didn't... I pretended to be happy for Lona's sake, but, really, I didn't let myself think about it...
--What I mean to say is... I like it. I like... being a mother. It makes me so happy that I can share it with you, Anara.-- Kes finished.
--...I love being able to share it with you too...-- Anara told her back softly. --When Lanam hugged you just now, I can't... I can't even describe how good that felt... and to feel through our link how much you care for her, for both of them... and for me... I've... I've had to take care of them alone for so long... It's so much better in every way to have you with me. Life seems... so perfect, just because you're with me... Even with the problems we face, it's perfect...--
Kes kissed her neck then --For... for me too...-- Kes told her softly, nearly overwhelmed with emotion from what Anara had told her.
They didn't say anything else to one another that night, they just held each other close and fell off to sleep, only to find themselves on that cliff in the Ocampa city again, holing hands and looking out over the water. In the dream, Kes met her wife's eyes and saw Anara smile to her. In their dreams, after all, Anara could see her perfectly.
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The next morning, Kes and her wife woke up to the soft sound of singing. Kes blinked open her eyes and turned in their cot, Anara sleepily wrapping her arms around her from behind and snuggling close to her, clearly not fully awake. Kes smiled happily, both because Anara was being so cute, and because Tresit and Lanam were too. Tresit was sitting cross-legged on his and his sister's cot with Lanam in his lap, and they were singing a song. It was an easy, simple song meant for children about staying strong against slavery and oppression. It was one of Lanam's favorites - probably more because it was cheerful, upbeat, and rhymed a lot, than because of the words themselves.
Kes just let herself relax, watch, and share her eyes with her wife through their bond so Anara could see them too. Anara inhaled in surprise just a little against her skin, smiling and relaxing with her and watching the scene before them, neither of them saying anything, even over their mental bond, just enjoying the moment for all that it was.
When the song ended, Tresit's eyes found hers and he looked guilty. "I'm sorry if we woke you early." He told them.
"Please, don't be." Kes answered, getting up. "I liked your song very much, so did Anara." Kes told them both.
"Momma always likes it when we sing, brother." Lanam spoke up happily, again correcting her brother because that was one of her favorite things to do.
"Which mother?" Tresit teased her back.
"Both!" Lanam answered quickly. "Momma Kes just said so. You should pay attention more."
Tresit just laughed. "My sister, who's wisdom shall always endure. Whatever would I do without her?"
Lanam laughed and squirmed around to go on a tickle attack against him. Anara had gotten up to sitting and was laying her head on Kes's shoulder from behind, their sight sharing still going on, and both mothers laughed as Lanam's attack dissolved into another wrestling match between their children. It was a forgone conclusion that Tresit would let Lanam win of course, but it was still thoroughly entertaining to watch.
Anara sighed happily and kissed the skin of Kes's shoulder, then moved up to her neck. Kes sucked in a breath and closed her eyes when she got to her ear. It felt really good. --I want to, but this probably isn't the right time...-- Kes teased her over their mental link.
Anara stopped and giggled a little, pulling her down onto the bed with her in a heap and tickling her. "Four can play this game." Anara told a surprised Kes who playfully defended herself. They ended up wrestling too, and she decided to follow Tresit's example and let her wife win in the end.
So it was that, both of them breathing hard, Anara's nearly sightless eyes were soon looking down on her, Kes's wrists pinned to the bed. Both of them were smiling and Kes felt a wave of heat under her skin when her eyes trailed to her wife's chest. She swallowed. "Um, we... should probably have breakfast now, you know?" She ventured. --Unless you can't hold yourself back...?-- She teased over their mental link.
Anara smiled, her eyes, nearly sightless though they were, easily conveying that she was strongly tempted to take Kes up on her implied challenge. Still, Kes knew her wife wasn't about to miss a breakfast with their children, and, truth told, Kes didn't want to miss that either, especially after what had happened yesterday... it felt, and she could easily tell through their link that it felt this way to Anara too, like, after yesterday, they needed to be there for Tresit and Lanam even more. So Anara let her go, helping her up. --It's better you have some time to let the anticipation build up while we eat, that way you'll have energy from the food, and heat from the waiting.-- She told her softly as she moved to kiss her.
Kes let herself be kissed and had to admit that she was fairly burning inside from it. When the kiss ended, she swallowed and felt hot all over.
She and her wife helped each other get dressed together. While they did, Tresit offered to go and set things out for them, Lanam following after him and wanting to help him. Kes and Anara sat on their cot together, Kes holding her wife loosely around her waist from behind, and watched for the minute or two it took the children to set up the indoor picnic breakfast. Kes mused to herself that soon they'd be back with her people and have a house with a table to eat at, and plenty of food and water on that table.
She felt Anara's thoughts caressing her own in a way they'd both learned how to do recently, their mental link becoming more and more second nature to them. Kes hummed a little at how nice it felt, the two of them getting up, hand in hand, to go have their meal together with their children.
The meal was very nice, and, happily, Lanam seemed to be getting back to her normal, cheerful, inquisitive self, asking more questions about where they were going to live. Seemingly, she'd latched on to the idea of going to live in a new place even more now, because she'd realized it would mean that her family would be safe and wouldn't be taken from her anymore that it already had been.
After breakfast was over though, Anara asked Tresit to take his sister out to play for a while, while the temperature was still cool. Tresit was noticeably reluctant, meeting Kes's eyes in a way that she could tell was meant to say that he wouldn't wait forever to keep his word and go back for his brother. Kes nodded to him in resignation. That seemed to satisfy him and he led his sister outside by the hand to play games. Anara then lead Kes by the hand back to their cot to do something else entirely, the anticipation of which was already putting Kes in a much improved state of mind... and also helping her not to think so much about what the day ahead might hold.
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Later that morning, after a few rounds of thoroughly satisfying love making, Kes found herself on top of her life, just kissing and in no real hurry at all to stop.
The sound of Lanam laughing came floating in from outside though, and they could hear Tresit's laugh in response too, quieter, but still with the quality of joy to it. Kes might have been able to keep kissing her wife, but that she felt Anara's focus on the very pleasant activity wane a little and sensed the reason why through their bond. Kes sighed softly and stopped kissing her, laying herself down over her, Anara's arms sliding down to rest on her lower back. Kes snuggled in close to her and closed her eyes. --You're worried...-- She spoke to her though their link. Speaking this way had become as natural to them as talking aloud by now... Maybe... maybe even more so.
--...You aren't...?-- Anara asked back, knowing, of course, that Kes was just as worried as she.
--You know I am... I guess I just haven't been in a hurry to... really think about it. That's all...-- Kes admitted.
--...You don't have to feel responsible for this.-- Anara told her gently, bringing a hand up along her body to touch her face. Kes nuzzled against the hand and held it with one of her own. --He's going to go after his brother whether you go with him or not. If anyone is to blame...--
--No, don't think that.-- Kes countered. --You couldn't have know...--
--Yes, I could... it's only... with you, when I'm with you... it's so...--
--Are you saying that I'm a very distracting influence?-- Kes asked, smiling a little at saying it.
Anara smiled too. --Something like that maybe. I feel so safe... I didn't think, when I should have... If I hadn't spoken it aloud...--
--...Maybe something good, something really good will come of it? If I have anything to say about it, we'll... have Vastu back.-- Kes told her encouragingly.
--...and what about Thalla...? What about Artem, and Miteza?--Anara asked softly, feeling guilt. --My brother was not a good man, but he was their father, Miteza's husband. Even lacking my... my defect, it's not an easy thing much of the time, for a woman and her children to make their way when her husband dies. Out here on a mining world, even less so. And, if word gets out that Tulk was killed in his sleep by a six year old boy...? After so many deaths in his family already... My people can be superstitious about such things, perhaps somewhat rightly so in this case...--
--They'll think he was weak, and that his children must be too...-- Kes finished, realizing what her wife was getting at. --They might be shunned.--
--It's a real danger for them, yes...-- Anara admitted. --Artem is old enough that he should be able to make his way, but, having been raised by my brother, I have doubts he will be as loyal to his family as Tresit has been. And, without him, if Miteza is not able to find another husband soon, it will be very hard for her and her daughter alone... Women, even men to a somewhat lesser extent, who are past a certain age and unmarried for a long time, for whatever reason, are still often looked on badly... I was not yet of that age when my husband was killed, I am still not, but Miteza would be of that age by now, or close enough to it...--
--...What do you know about her?-- Kes asked. --About Miteza?-- She asked, picturing the frightened woman in the kitchen she'd... threatened to kill.
--...I don't know her well. She was always very quiet... she never talked much, even to other women, as far as I knew...--
--...They're a part of our family too.-- Kes spoke what she knew Anara was thinking beneath what she'd been saying.
--...They are.-- Anara replied.
Tulk's death was their fault, and family was family... The only trouble was, of course, neither one of them was quite sure what they could do to make this right.
Kes did want to make it right though, if she could.
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See you next time...