Chapter 4: While We're Dreaming
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"So, does that mean... you're my mother too?" Lanam asked her softly.
Anara was sitting on what was now her and Kes's bed, and Tresit was sitting on the floor before her. Kes was sitting on Lanam and Tresit's bed, with Lanam sitting in her lap. She and Anara had been explaining to Lanam and Tresit that the two of them were married now, and what that meant. Tresit seemed content with it, not having many questions (he might even have been somewhat pleased, though it was hard to tell). Lanam, however, was very curious, as usual.
Kes looked to Anara for her cue on how to answer the question. "I, um..."
"Yes, that's... that's just what it means..." Anara spoke up, sounding shy but pleased in saying it.
Kes smiled to her at that, warmed by it. And a little daunted to be suddenly named a mother too, honestly, but... in a good way.
"Oh... okay..." Lanam replied. "I didn't know girls could marry other girls." She said thoughtfully. "Maybe I can too one day. It'd be better than marrying a boy." She clearly said it to tease her brother as much as for any other reason she may or may not have had.
"Should I take offense at that?" Tresit asked in a half-heartedly playfully way.
"You're my brother, it doesn't count." Lanam countered smartly.
"It's a long way away anyway, we don't have to worry about that sort of thing yet." Tresit said distractedly. Kes regarded him and saw he looked... disheartened. For a split second, Kes was worried that maybe he wasn't as alright with her and Anara's marriage as she'd though, but then she put together that she'd seen him look like that before, a couple other times. And her mind quickly made the connection that it was always when the subject of the future came up. Planning for the future. Why would he react like that to planning for the future? Kes resolved to find out soon.
"Why not?" Lanam asked. "And I wasn't worrying, it's a happy thing. Like mother and, um, other mother? Like they were doing before." She said. "Whatever they did, it made them happy. I thought it sounded pretty." She was blind, so of course she hadn't seen, just heard.
"You thought so?" Kes asked curiously.
"Uh-huh." Lanam replied. "What was it you were doing anyway?" She asked. She'd asked that once before too (it had been the first question she'd asked, in fact), but Kes had managed to dodge answering it that time. She should have known she wasn't going to escape so easily. She really wished they'd had their own room. Last night she she'd thought Anara was right about it not mattering that much, but now she wasn't sure about it at all. Now she understood perfectly why parents were intimate with each other in another room (because they were cowardly about facing their children in the morning - and as far as reasons for cowardice, Kes now counted this one as a very justified reason).
"They had sex." Tresit said, sounding as if he found the whole thing about as interesting as rocks in the desert. "Mother and father used to do it too, I saw them. It's different for a woman and a woman though - with mother and father, it was more like wrestling or something, except father was always on top and always seemed to win. I don't understand it, really. Kes and mother looked kind of like they were wrestling too, but with more... hugging and petting each other I guess... And they took turns winning."
"...Well, I, um, I wouldn't call it winning, really..." Kes replied, now formally the most embarrassed she'd ever been in her entire life. She pushed through it though. "It's called making love..." Kes spoke softly, gathering her courage. As long as Tresit and Lanam were going to talk about this, she thought she owed it to them to make sure they knew what was true and what wasn't. And of course she couldn't let them think that making love was like wrestling...
"So Tresit was wrong? It's not sex? It's making love?" Lanam asked, confused.
"Well, no, it's still that too... It's not dissimilar to the difference between Tresit being a boy and him being your brother. He's a boy both ways, but him being your brother too means you love each other, because you're family." Kes explained patiently.
"But that doesn't make sense. Tresit and I don't have sex." Lanam pointed out. "And what's 'not dissimilar' mean?"
"When two things are alike, but not all the way." Tresit replied helpfully.
"Oh..." Lanam replied. "What about my question though?" She asked Kes.
Kes groaned a little inside her head, looking to Anara who didn't seem bothered or concerned by any of this, but also didn't seem to be in any hurry to help her either (it was Anara being deferential again - Kes mostly hadn't seen any particular problem in her doing that before because she had no intentions of taking advantage of her for it so it didn't seem like it would be an issue, but now she could see how it could just possibly be a problem for her sometimes). Tresit looked bored and impatient, and was also unlikely to be any further help (she just hoped he was done making it any worse). "Well... love is like that too. There are different ways you can love someone, Lanam. You love Anara in a different way than you love Tresit, because Anara is your mother and Tresit your brother. When you grow up and have a wife or a husband, you'll love them in a third way. A way like... they're the closest person in the world too you, your best friend, and more than that... and what you'll want, more than anything, is to... It's hard to explain it, really..." She admitted softly. "It's just a feeling you get. A wonderful feeling. You can't mistake it, or deny it... and I hope you'd never have a reason to want to. And Tresit's right - you aren't an adult yet... When you grow up into an adult, your body changes, and so does the way you think and look at the world... it'll make more sense then."
"But... what if I don't want to change how I think?" Lanam asked.
Anara smiled softly. "You may as well wish for tomorrow to never come, and today to last forever." Kes was absurdly grateful that Anara had chosen to join the conversation again.
"You say that a lot." Lanam accused her mother.
"It's true, none the less." Anara replied serenely.
"Well... maybe it's just one of those things I won't understand until I'm older then." Lanam replied.
Anara smiled again. "That may be so."
Lanam yawned. "I'm thirsty."
Kes laughed. Apparently, and mercifully, that was the end of the question and answer session. She exhaled in relief and caught a slightly teasing look in Anara's eyes and had to quirk a small smile to her. Why did that look in her eyes make her want to kiss Anara again? --Maybe it's one of those things I won't ever understand, not in a way I can explain at least-- She thought to herself ruefully. Still though, she certainly wouldn't have it any other way...
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After that morning's arduous discussion, Kes hadn't felt up to having another heavy conversation again so soon, and so put off discussing the possibility of taking... well, they actually here her family now, weren't they? (and what an wonderful and amazing feeling that was)... of taking her family back with her under the surface of Ocampa, back to the home she'd left.
They had a meal and Kes spent the day with Anara entertaining Lanam mostly, who, as usual, had no trouble making her smile constantly with the innocent joy she brought to even the most mundane of activates. Tresit, on the other hand, had requested to be left alone, first to practice with his knife, and later, when it got too hot, to sit by himself and do this kind of mediation his father had done - when she'd asked him about it, he'd confessed to her that he didn't know if he was doing it right, but he wanted to keep trying anyway, because his father had told him it made a warrior strong and focused his mind. Kes thought that, maybe at some point, she'd ask him to teach her the mediation too... more to be closer to him than any other reason (though it did spark her curiosity somewhat too). Kes was still kind of worried about him, honestly, and felt like he needed someone to talk to about something (she still didn't know what).
Later that day, in the afternoon, Tresit had taken his sister under the shade at the front of their house to tell her stories, while Kes and Anara had taken Kes's bed roll out to the shade of some nearby rocks to sit together. Tresit and Lanam were clearly visible to them, and they could hear the children's voices well enough to catch every other word or so if they tried.
She and Anara had been talking a little at first, but it had mostly just evolved into sharing a string of kissing, which Kes didn't mind at all. It was definitely relaxing her all over. It had gotten to the point where she'd lain Anara down and was partly on top of her as they continued to kiss and explore one another's bodies again. She didn't feel like she was going to lose herself completely just yet, but she felt that feeling, tempting her more and more, when she realized she'd probably put off having this conversation long enough. So, with a sigh, she stopped kissing her new wife and lay down beside her, snuggling up with her.
"What is it, my wife?" Anara asked her softly. "What made you halt so?"
"There's just... something I've been meaning to talk with you about, that's all. Something important." Kes explained softly, kissing Anara's skin lightly.
"What... what is it?" Anara asked, her nearly sightless eyes fluttering closed.
"What would you think of... coming back with me? To where I came from, I mean... To the Ocampan city?" Kes asked. "It... would be much safer for us... for... for our family."
There was a cry then from Lanam and she and Anara both sat up in fright right away. "What happened? Kes, is she-?'
"It's alright." Kes interrupted, exhaling in relief as the fear that had welled up within her subsided. "She only hurt a toe. Tresit is seeing to her. Should... should we go over too?" She asked.
Anara sighed, clearly forcing her nerves down with deliberate intention. "No... no... It happens sometimes." Anara replied softly, laying her head on Kes's shoulder and leaning against her for comfort. Kes wrapped an arm around her waist and held her hand. "Normally, she is careful, but, at times, she gets over-excited and forgets herself... Lanam doesn't like it when we make too much of a fuss over her about these things though. It makes her feel badly, to need help so much... Tresit would call to us if we were needed. He takes no chances with his sister's well being... He never has. He's so much like my brother Ralka in that way... Always her protector..."
"I've noticed that." Kes replied softly. "He does you proud. They both do..."
"...Thank you..." Anara replied. "It's... it's nice to hear someone praise them. Before you came, I'd..." She closed her eyes and a few tears fell from her eyes. Kes turned and wiped them away gently. "Of course..." Anara spoke again. "Of course I'll go with you, of course we will... I would follow you anywhere. I am yours, Kes, with all my heart..." Anara told her devotedly, moving to kiss her ardently.
Kes returned the kiss just as ardently, melting into her, that tempting feeling starting to feel like it was too big for her to contain. Anara's words were like music in her blood, under her skin, in her head. "With all my heart, I'm yours too..." Kes echoed the words, feeling just as devoted. Anara was her wife, her family, the one she loved and would always love. She felt that and knew it had settled into her bones and heart to stay. The way she felt, she knew now, understood it in a way she couldn't have before marrying Anara, just why it was there were so very few instances of divorce among her people.
In the background, she heard Lanam laughing at something her brother said, and what little tension she still had over Lanam's outcry before eased away, and she felt that feeling begin to overcome her again. "I want..." Kes broke off kissing her wife breathlessly. "I..."
"Whatever it is, my wife, my answer will always be yes..." Anara told her, pulling her back down to kiss with her again.
--I want to be closer...-- Kes told her, mind to mind. --I want to try to share... share thoughts, what we feel... do you want me to try?-- Kes asked, even as she was stubbornly trying to remain cognizant enough to do this in the face of where Anara's hands were going.
--Yes, of course yes, yes to everything... yours... always yours...-- Kes heard Anara's thoughts, felt how much trust Anara had for her and was amazed by it. She opened the doors between them, a little at first, and felt Anara's wonder at what she was feeling, felt her sense of awe and love and devotion that she had for her. It worried her a little at first, but as she opened things up between them more fully, her worries fell away... Anara's feelings for her were completely genuine. She loved her, the same way Kes loved Anara. Just the same way. It wasn't because Kes had saved her, or anything else, it was just... because... that great, wonderful, nameless because...
Kes felt herself rolled over onto her back, the last of her clothes being urgently removed by her wife. A thrill of desire went through them both. Kes could feel what Anara felt, and she could feel that Anara felt what she felt too, heard her thoughts... Kes couldn't help herself, she went deeper, and then it was like she felt Anara's touch as though she were in Anara's body too, and Anara in her skin too, in her body, sharing every touch too...
All coherent thought was gone for her now, just feeling and want and love. When they both cried out in pleasure at their first release, Kes could hardly tell where her own pleasure began and where Anara's ended. The feeling was... simply incredible...
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How long it was later when she finally was able to form words in her head again, it was impossible for her to know. She had been breathing hard, and she was only now regaining her breath. She had her head buried in the crook of Anara's shoulder, the scent of her hair and her skin was strong and magnetic feeling, the memories of their lovemaking feeling like they were wrapping her up inside them... She'd never appreciated her identic memory nearly as much as she was appreciating it since the first time she and Anara had made love, and now she appreciated it all the more... Every touch, every exquisite sensation, it was all still hers, all but that one element that could never be captured by memory, that one, that best thing that she could only feel when she and her wife touched... She kissed that skin again and again and sighed and smiled and snuggled up closer. She still felt Anara, their minds were still bridged, and she could tell Anara was still lost in a haze of desire and... awe...
She gently brushed her thoughts over her wife's mind and cooed to her, comforting her and soothing her. She could feel Anara blink her eyes and start to come back to herself. --Anara?-- Kes asked softly.
--There are no words...-- She heard Anara's thoughts answer her, turning to her and capturing her lips in soft, unhurried kisses.
Kes felt warmth and belonging wash over both of them, and just kissed her back. Kes found herself on her back again, with Anara over her, and it felt so good... she wanted to keep going, make love again... never stop... but she could tell how tired Anara was, and she knew she was tired herself, and they both needed water and food and to check on Lanam and Tresit. Anara sighed. --How is it possible you can be so perfect?--
Kes smiled, warmed and flattered beyond words. --Likewise...--- She simply replied, gazing up into Anara's all but sightless eyes with wonder.
She felt Anara's skin heat at the praise and felt her amazement. --How can you say that and mean it so completely?-- She asked, honestly not understanding.
"...Your eyes, you mean?" Kes asked aloud. She could sense that, despite that she would not say so aloud, some part of her wife had taken it to heart when her people had cast her out as 'defective'. Her husband, before he'd died, when her loss of sight was starting to really asset itself, when Lanam had been born... He hadn't cast his daughter out to die as many Kazon males would, hadn't divorced her as unfit, as would have been his right, as, again, many others would have in his place, but... his desire for her had waned, and, in the quality of his voice, she could tell... he'd thought less of her. Been... at least partly, ashamed of his daughter. And that had hurt, but Anara had never let that hurt show, because he had done more than many others would have in his place. He had kept her, kept Lanam, though many around him had called him a fool to do so. How could she be ungrateful for that? So she'd buried her hurt, because she knew that it was useless to do otherwise. Anara... never would have dreamed before, that she would find a lover who saw her as perfect. She hadn't really let herself believe that even Kes could look at her like that, at least, not until they'd shared their thoughts and feelings this way, not until Anara had seen and felt what was in Kes's heart and mind herself...
--Defective... unworthy... in your eyes, I'm not those things at all though, am I?-- Anara asked.
--No.-- Kes replied. --Very... very much the opposite, in fact.-- She moved to kiss her and caress her face.
And Kes could tell that Anara knew what she meant, through their link, even though she would have had trouble explaining it in words. --I like this... being so close to you...-- Anara spoke. --Is it... is it possible to stay always this way? Always connected?--
Kes thought about it. --I don't know...-- She finally told her. --It seems to be working well, to have worked well, undoubtedly so, but, I think we should pull back for now, to make sure there are no side-effects...-- Kes replied, worried that maybe she'd gone too far, too fast, and doubting her own, still largely untested abilities... "...and to make sure it's really what we both want..." She was honest about her other reason too. This feeling was... very, very tempting, and she felt like she needed perspective right now to process it...
--I...-- "Of course, whatever you need." Anara spoke aloud, and there was such deep fondness in her voice that Kes sucked in her breath a little in surprise and delight. She could likewise feel that the trust and belief that Anara had had for her before had been increased even more, and had grounded itself down very deeply indeed. --Yours, always yours...-- Kes heard the thought and smiled, feeling very secure in her marriage, her love for Anara returned without reservation, and that, it turned out, was the very best sort of feeling to have, she was finding.
Kes moved in and kissed her again. "We should go check on the children." Kes spoke softly, withdrawing from her wife's mind fully.
Anara gasped and passed out. Panic welled up inside of her, and Kes reached out with her mind and her hands. She saw immediately what was wrong, and was relieved beyond words to know that it wasn't serious. She soothed Anara's mind, healed the strain and fatigue she found within it as much as she was able, gave her what strength she could, and in seconds, Anara was blinking her eyes open again. --What happened?-- Anara asked in her mind.
"I went too fast... and, um, you were too tired..." Kes told her softly, regret and apology strong in her words. "I'm so sorry, Anara..."
"It's all right, it didn't hurt... I just... fell asleep." Anara told her, sounding confused.
"I'm going more slowly this time, moving our minds apart... There was no damage, I think you were just tired... and surprised..." Kes told her solicitously. "Or your mind was. I think we both need to practice doing this, become more accustomed to it. To each others thoughts, before we seriously consider making our connection permanent."
"Of course, whatever is needed." Anara replied without worry, snuggling up to her and kissing her cheek softly, her devotion unwavering.
Kes smiled, feeling a little shy somehow, and moved to kiss her wife once more. She had that feeling again, the one that tempted her to kiss and touch and make love and lose herself in those feeling again, and, if anything, it was stronger now, but... also more familiar, more a friend whom she was beginning to know well. As things were now, the nagging sense of growing physical exhaustion was too at odds with her desire though, so she was able to easily place that very pleasant feeling into the back of her mind for now, knowing that it would be there for her again whenever the opportunity next presented itself to indulge in it. She looked over and saw that Lanam was gently tossing little pebbles at Tresit and asking him silly questions. Tresit was sitting in place, not moving, and calmly answering the questions factually. She absently connected her sight to Anara's and let her wife see what she saw. Anara gasped a little in wonder at what she still saw as something of a miracle. "What do you think they're up to over there?" Kes asked curiously of the scene.
Anara smiled fondly. "...It's something new... but I think Tresit is having Lanam try to distract his focus while he meditates. My guess is that he's trying to improve his ability to concentrate and focus. It's similar to an exercise adult Kazon males do in their training, if more innocent."
"What's the original version?" Kes asked curiously.
"The ones sitting like Tresit is would have dirt and sand thrown at them, and they'd be yelled at and mocked, even be pissed on by the other men, or have refuse thrown at them." Anara told her with clear distaste in her voice.
"Does it start a lot of fights?" Kes asked - thinking of the Kazon males she'd met in the city, she could hardly imagine it wouldn't.
Anara shook her head. "It's rare. To strike back would be to show yourself as weak, and invite more abuse. More shame. I am... grateful, that Tresit does not have to go through such things. It is one of the few things I was grateful for in all of this, before you came to us." She finished softly.
Kes felt it through the low level link they had again from the shared sight she was giving her wife, that Anara had seen the effects of some of the things her brother, Ralka, had had to endure in his training as a boy, and she had felt impotent fury that she could do nothing to spare him those things when all he ever seemed to do was to protect her. That she could do nothing to protect him in return had always nagged at her; though, of course, as she'd grown older, she'd come to accept it more that it was simply the way her people were... Still, the feeling had never left her memory.
Kes wanted to say something to Anara about what she sensed, but she also sensed that Anara would not want to talk about it right now. So she sighed instead. "We should get dressed and go have a meal with them." She offered.
"Alright..." Anara smiled and closed her eyes, letting Kes know silently that she could disconnect her vision from hers now (it was nice to do while stationary, but could quickly become impractically disorienting if Anara were in motion). Kes did so, and they helped each other get dressed. While making love, they had used their tongues to clean one another of the evidence of their activities so that there wouldn't be a mess (and wouldn't waste moisture). Apparently, that was a Kazon custom, but one that Kes had liked. She had no idea of course if her own people did anything similar.
Once dressed, Kes stood and held out her hand to her wife. Anara took the offered hand and stood, leaning close to her and they walked across the hot sand back to the shade of their home... or, what was their home for now. "When should we tell the children about our plans?" Kes asked softly.
"...Before sleep would be a good time, I think." Anara replied.
"You seem nervous somehow?" Kes asked softly.
"I... It's only, do you think your people will accept me? Accept Tresit and Lanam?" Anara asked.
Kes sighed. "No, they won't. They won't accept me, either. Socially, we will be outcasts. But they will leave us alone, and we will have a house. We'll be safe and always have enough to eat and drink. We won't have to steal to survive, and Tresit won't have to risk his life with me while we do it."
"That sounds wonderful..." Anara replied dreamily.
Kes smiled to herself and squeezed Anara's hand a little. "I... guess it's true though, that I don't really know how they'll react... There's... never been an outsider come to live with us before... except for the sick that the Caretaker has sent to us lately, but you and Lanam and Tresit would not have been sent by the Caretaker. Still, I don't believe they would turn us back. It's... just not our way."
"I believe that... any race that produced someone like you must have many very appealing qualities." Anara told her softly.
They went back, met their children, and had a meal together. What followed was a lazy evening. This was the time of day that the heat's effects tended to really take their toll and make you tired. Once the air started to cool, there would be a time of renewed energy and then sleep.
It was during that time that Anara and Kes decided to tell their children about the plans they'd made.
"What's it like in the Ocampa city?" Lanam was asking curiously. "Are there kids my age there?"
Kes sighed. That was a difficult question, because, of course, Lanam would be older than about a third of the adults, and Tresit older then two-thirds of them. But that wasn't a topic she was going to tackle until she had to. "There will be children there, yes... but... none of them may be allowed to play with you. It's..."
"But why?" Lanam asked plaintively. "Is it... because I can't see?" She asked softly.
"Lanam, no..." Tresit tried to stop her.
"No, you think I don't know, but I do..." She spoke solemnly, her voice sounding small. Kes had never heard this usually very cheerful girl sound like this. "I know it's my fault. That uncle sent us away because of me..."
Fury washed over Tresit's face and he stood. "No! That's not true! He sent us away because he's a coward! ...He's the disgrace, not you." He said, going over to his sister and sitting behind her and hugging her. "You... you can't believe that it is your fault, Lanam..."
"...okay..." Lanam replied shyly.
"Tresit is right, you are very precious, to all of us..." Anara spoke softly, moving to be closer to her children. "It was not your fault, and... in any case, it... no longer matters who's fault it was. We will never see your uncle Tulk again. And we will have a home, be safe, and not have to worry about food or water again."
Lanam seemed to relax as her mother stroked her hair.
"And besides, that you or Anara can't see isn't the reason. My people wouldn't think it was any more important than I do, and I don't think it makes any difference at all." Kes told her softly.
"Then what is the reason?" Tresit asked in a quiet, serious voice.
Kes looked to Anara with regret. "Because of me. Because I married a woman, and not a man." Kes told them softly. "People like me, they don't stop us from following our hearts, they simply... don't like to talk to us. Because they think we're... defective, or because they don't think it's the Caretaker's will."
Tresit growled a little in the back of his throat. "Defective. I hate that word - more than any other word, I hate that word."
"I don't like it much either." Kes replied.
"Is that why you left then?" Lanam asked, curious. "Because they were being mean?"
That caught Anara and Tresit's attention both. "No... No, that's not why." Kes answered.
"Then why?" Lanam asked, kindness and innocence in her voice.
Kes smiled a little. "Because... I was in love with someone. And she didn't love me back, she loved someone else." She looked over to Anara to see her reaction. She hadn't told her wife about Tae yet. Or, at least, not that she'd had feeling like that for her. She had meant too, it was only, she'd gotten... detracted, by Anara's lips. And she'd honestly forgotten about it until now. She would have liked to talk about this with Anara in private (or, at least, as close to privacy as they could have), but she couldn't bring herself to not give Lanam an honest reply right now. "Her name is Tae, she... was my best friend. I... saw her kissing the boy she liked, and I couldn't... I just couldn't stand to stay, so I left."
Anara moved to hold her hand. "Then she was a fool, and I'm... very grateful to her for it."
Lanam giggled. "I like it when they talk like that. It's pretty." She said.
Tresit sighed. "I suppose it is." He agreed reluctantly. "I would like to lay down for a while to think on this..."
"You... haven't decided you want to go?" Anara asked, sounding unsure of herself. Kes moved to pick Lanam up in her arms and carry her over to her and Anara's bed to sit down. Anara came along and wordlessly snuggled up to her, resting her head on Kes's shoulder for comfort.
"I will go." Tresit said, getting up and going to lay on his and Lanam's bed, looking thoughtful. "Wherever my family goes, I will go. I simply..." He closed his eyes. "I have things I must consider." He said. Kes got the feeling that he was trying to act like he thought a Kazon male should act again, and wished he didn't have to feel that kind of weight on his shoulders.
She looked after him, wondering what he was thinking about and wishing she could simply look into his mind to find out... Technically, she could of course, but she never wanted to do anything like that without permission, and she didn't want to ask Tresit for his.
"Tell me a story about where we're going? Please mother?" Lanam asked Kes, looking up to her from between her and Anara.
Kes felt her skin heat a little at being called mother. She liked it. "All right. Of course."
Kes told them the story of how she, Lona, and Tae started their gardens. How it had been Lona's idea, and she'd started it on her own, but then she'd offered some berries she'd grown to her and Tae - they were the best tasting thing Kes had ever eaten, and Kes had asked how she'd gotten them, and it had gone from there. Lona's brother, Daggin, had found out about it a couple days later when Lona offered him some of the barriers too (Lona wasn't the kind of person who very often said things about herself without being specifically asked or without others finding out another way), he and his best friend Farran had joined in as a result. Then later Mers, the boy Lona liked, had joined their group too. Since then, a few others had joined as well, but Kes's favorite memories of it were probably when they were just starting out - just her Lona, and Tae - so that's the story she told.
...It wasn't that she hadn't liked Daggin, Farran, and Mers, she had, she did, it was only... she'd never liked that she had to guard herself, pretend, around them more, or that, Daggin especially, expected her to be someone she wasn't. Tae and Lona had had some of those kinds of expectations too, but it had still been easier to pretend she was normal when it had just been them.
Later that night, once Lanam had gotten tired and Anara had put her to bed with Tresit, Kes began to take her clothes off as she watched her wife come back to their bed. "Let me do that..." Anara asked, sitting down with her in bed.
"Alright..." Kes agreed easily with a smile, letting Anara take her clothes off for her, her eyes on her wife in rapt fascination as she did.
Once she did, Anara let her do the same for her and then Anara pushed her down onto her back and was on top of her, her lips claiming hers, her hands were one in her hair and the other caressing one of her breasts. It was unusual for Anara to be quite this forward so soon, but Kes found herself liking it very much. She wrapped her hands around Anara, one on her back, the other in playing in her wife's long hair. Anara seemed very intent on her and Kes brushed her mind over her wife's... something was bothering her, but she sensed Anara didn't want to talk or share thoughts quite yet, so Kes contented herself with simply letting Anara make love to her and resigned herself to thoroughly enjoying the feelings Anara was bringing out in her.
She didn't go very deeply at all with their mental connection, just a vague sharing of feeling and sensation. She felt how much Anara desired and wanted and loved her... and when Anara's fingers traveled down between her thighs and took possession of her, Kes felt her thoughts all fall away again and welcomed it eagerly. Kissing, touching, knowing one another again...
Some unknown time later, Kes found herself laying on top again, her breath coming hard as she and her wife traded lazy kisses and soft caresses. Her mind was starting to think in words again, and she realized then that she knew what it was that was bothering Anara. "You were thinking about Tae, weren't you? That's why..." Kes started to say softly as she cuddled up to her wife and lay her head down on her shoulder.
Anara sighed and ran her hand through Kes's hair a moment before replying. "Tell me about her?" She asked back just as softly, an undercurrent of uncertainty in her voice.
"...Her family lived in the house next to mine, growing up. I suppose they still do. Though... Tae might not anymore, not if she's married to... not if she's married. Then... she'd have her own house." Kes started to explain. She had no intention of downplaying the truth or leaving anything out. Anara deserved to know - to know everything about her. After all... they belonged to each other now. She belonged to Anara, and, to her, that meant every part of her did, even... even this. "Our parents were friends too. We're almost the same age, she's just two days older. I heard our parents talking about her before I was even born, and I met her only one hour and ten minutes after my birth. Besides my parents, she's the first person I ever talked with. It was always so just... completely easy to talk with her. Like with you. You're the only other person I've ever had that with. Of course I fell in love with her... I didn't realize that's what it was until I was much older, my five-month birthday was when it happened in fact... I remember thinking... why didn't I know that before? Why didn't I realize it in my first month of life...?"
"You remember that far back into your childhood? You... were able to talk at such a young age?" Anara asked, clearly amazed, and also clearly trying to stop Kes from going on.
Kes was happy for the distraction though, and only too happy to answer if it meant delaying the rest of this conversation a little while longer. "Yes. All Ocampa can. And our memories... we don't, we can't forget anything. I've noticed it's different with your people of course." Kes told her.
"Most races can't do what you can. I've never heard of one that could, in fact." Anara spoke.
"How many races do you know of?" Kes asked curiously.
"I..." Anara was silent. "Around twenty-five, I think. I'm not sure." She smiled to herself. "But I suppose I would be sure if I were an Ocampa, wouldn't I?"
"Mm, yes, I suppose..." Kes agreed absently, her thoughts back on what she would say next about Tae.
"Does it... bother you? That I can't... that can't do the same things - think, remember - the way one of your own race can? Do I seem... unintelligent to you?" Anara asked.
"What?" Kes was startled by the question. "That's... that doesn't..." She sighed. "Why would you ask that? I love you, Anara... I wasn't lying when I said... that to me, you're perfect. I find you very intelligent, and, as I said, I love talking with you... I love it just as much as I love... being with you... I do agree with Tresit though. I hate the word defective. I don't even think it's a real concept. I think it's just another way for people who don't like what's different or new to try to shape the world around them into something... comforting. Something safe and familiar and known. It's completely irrational... and more than that, it's cruel. You've seen who I am, you've seen, felt, how I feel about you... you must know, I just... there's no part of me that looks at you and sees those things. You're perfect Anara, in my eyes you are... and I think, in reality you are too."
Anara moved over and rolled Kes onto her back and kissed her soundly. So much so that Kes was a little dazed when Anara caressed her hair and looked down at her unseeingly with a shy smile on her lips. "You are a miracle..." Anara told her, laying down beside her and cuddling up to her devotedly.
"...So are you..." Kes told her, her hands one playing through her hair and tracing down her arm. "You don't have to worry about me with her. With Tae, I mean... I wouldn't have married you if there was any doubt inside of me about that."
"I know that... It's only... I want to know about her... nothing more. I don't doubt you. I don't think I could ever doubt you..." She told her, the faith she had in her very evident in her voice. What was unsaid though, Kes thought, was that it wasn't so easy for her to have faith in herself... to not doubt herself... That's what this was partly about, Kes was coming to realize. But, if Anara needed more assurances of her own worth as a person, Kes was very willing to continue to provide them at every given opportunity.
Kes moved up to kiss her wife's lips. Anara responded and kissed her back, that lasting for minutes on end until Kes could feel her wife start to relax more. When that happened, Anara broke off the kiss and looked down at her sightlessly. "I want to be close to you again, to share our hearts again... as we did before..." Anara told her softly. "Please, Kes? Will you?" She asked hopefully.
--Yes... of course we can do that...-- She replied telepathically, smiling to herself. Perhaps this was the best way after all? She considered.
She looked up into Anara's eyes, nearly sightless as they were, and let her mind do what it had before... what she'd been so tempted to let it do again ever since the last time. It was so easy and felt so good, to be entwined with her wife this way, to share like this...
--Would you... would you like me to show you?-- Kes asked. --I can show her to you... if you want?--
--...Yes, I want to know-- Anara replied.
In bed, they snuggled up together and closed their eyes and Kes showed Anara her memories of Tae, or highlights of them at least, imprints... The day of her birth when they first met. When they took their first steps together. A day when they talked about the future for the first time when they'd promised to always be friends. The day when they first met Lona and Daggin. The day they went swimming for the first time. The day Kes realized she was in love. The day she realized what it meant that she was in love with someone of the same gender. A day when Tae slept over at her house and they spent all night talking and never went to sleep (they were very tired the next day). The first time she tried in earnest to really show Tae how she felt about her and how Tae didn't seem to notice at all. The day Tae told her that Daggin liked her (Kes had honestly not noticed before that). The day Tae told her about the boy she liked. The day she'd confessed her feelings for Tae to Lona. The day Kes spent with Tae trying again to see if there was any chance that she would or could feel the same way about her and again had no success. The day she'd sat looking out over the water just thinking and Tae had come along and sat down with her and they'd talked and Tae had told her that Daggin was beginning to think that she wasn't interested in him at all and asked her if she had another boy she liked and how she'd made an excuse and left and found someplace where she could be alone to cry and scream where no one could hear... And, finally, the day she'd seen Tae kissing... him... and how she'd felt something inside of her break at that... how she couldn't stand to stay...
--...I want to hate her for how much she hurt you...-- Anara finally said.
--It's not her fault. It's no one's... and it worked out in the end, didn't it?-- Kes told her, moving to kiss her with fondness, love, and a return of the devotion she knew Anara felt for her.
--It did.-- Anara replied as they continued to kiss.
Kes felt so close to Anara right now. She'd just shared her most private hurts with her and Anara had only accepted them and her and soothed her troubles as she had. It was an amazing gift... And more than that, she could feel Anara's passion and love for her and it was the most wonderful, life-affirming, amazing feeling she'd ever felt. That feeling of yearning inside of her welled up with almost startling intensity and it thrilled her as she turned her lover over onto her back and began to make love to her again. The world outside of the bed, the worlds of the past and the future all fell away in that familiar way until everything she felt was Anara... the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips, the perfect swell of her breasts, the way her wife's fingers felt like poetry on her skin, they way Anara seemed to know just the right ways to touch her to make her feel so much bliss...
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Later in the night, after they'd made love again several times, they'd laid there just talking in their minds for how long Kes didn't know. At one point, she got up to get them some water, and when she came back, Anara seemed troubled by something. --What is it?-- She asked softly as she sat down and folded her knees under her as she offered her wife the water.
They drank and Kes put the canteen down by the side of their cot, then turned around and cradled her wife in her arms and caressed her soothingly, kissing her just softly. --You can tell me... whatever it is, you can...-- Kes offered softly.
--...There is something... you have the right to know...-- Anara spoke. "It's not easy for me..." She spoke aloud.
"Would it... be easier if we spoke aloud?" Kes asked softly.
"...Maybe..." Anara spoke softly.
"Whatever you need. We don't even have to talk about it if you want, now or ever." Kes replied solicitously.
Anara sighed and snuggled up to her more. "Just hold me like this... If you do, I'll be brave enough." Anara told her.
Kes was silent and did as she was asked, and waited.
"I have another child... younger than Lanam... his name is Vastu..." Anara spoke softly.
Kes was surprised, of course, but didn't speak or question.
"I gave birth to him only weeks before my husband was slain..." Anara told her. "Tulk, my brother, has him now..." There was a silence between them then. "Please, say something...?" She asked.
"...Why haven't you told me before?" Kes asked softly.
"Because... I am ashamed and... afraid for him. And because I didn't, do not, want Lanam to know that she has another brother... it would only hurt her." Anara confessed.
"But Tresit, he knows?" Kes asked. It made sense that he would, but she had to ask anyway.
"Of course. Lanam was too young, she doesn't remember him, but Tresit was old enough." Anara told her. "I... didn't feel I had a choice though. I had no means of caring for him, many times I wished Tresit would have stayed too... if only so that he might live." And it was true, Kes considered. If Anara had had another child to feed, she and her family almost surely would have been dead from starvation by the time Kes happened by. She likely never would have even noticed they were there... The thought made her feel cold and sad inside. "It was... only good fortune... amazing, wonderful good fortune that brought you too me, to us, in time..."
"...There's something else, isn't there?" Kes asked softly. They were talking aloud, but their minds were still connected. She could still sense very easily that Anara was holding something else back. It would be easy for her to look to find out what that was with her mind, but she, of course, would never let herself do that. What she had, the trust she had with her wife, had fast become the most precious thing to her, and she held it sacred in her heart.
"Yes... Tulk... I fear for what kind of man he will raise my son to be. I wonder... I almost think that maybe death would have been better for him than that... but I could never... he's my son..." Tears were falling from Anara's eyes now.
Kes held her and spoke soft comforts to her in her mind. "...Anara, why though? What... what aren't you saying?" She asked after a time.
"...I believe... I believe Tulk... that he was responsible... that he killed Ralka, and my husband..." Anara spoke what she had never dared voice before aloud for the first time.
It was then Kes sensed it - Tresit was awake, he'd heard every word... Kes only sensed it because at Anara's confession, a wave of intense anger and hatred welled up inside the small boy, so strong that Kes couldn't help but feel it. "W... But why though?" Kes asked softly, almost meekly. "His own brothers? ...His family? Surely..."
"He is capable of it." Anara replied. "Believe me, he is..." Kes saw a flash of bitter memory across her wife's thoughts of a time when she was much younger and Tulk had... Kes shivered a little at seeing it. "And he had profited by it. He inherited, and would probably have gained my husbands position as well, had he not made the mistake of offending the maj once too often. He always hated Ralka, and me as well for always taking his side, nor were he and my husband at all friends..."
Kes was revolted. How could such a man come from the same family as someone so wonderful as Anara? Be her brother? It sickened her to think about him. "Oh, Anara..." Kes spoke. --Please, let me in? Let me offer you comfort?-- She asked telepathically.
--...Yes, please yes...-- Anara replied. And Kes closed her eyes and opened the bond between them as fully as she could, let her feelings and her love for her wife wrap around Anara and sooth her, comfort her... They ended up kissing a few times, but no more than that. And Kes felt Tresit's thoughts still in turmoil. She considered trying to talk with him about it, but she could easily tell her adoptive son wouldn't want it. It saddened her, but she felt she couldn't go against his wishes, not for something so deeply personal as this must be for him. Besides, she had shielded Anara from sensing her son's anger through their bond, because she didn't want Anara to have to carry that at a time like this too, and she knew that neither Anara nor Tresit would want Lanam to find out. In any case, Tresit seemed to be dealing with it, quelling his anger and holding his sister closer for comfort. She decided she would talk to him later when they were alone and he'd had some time to let it settle. So, instead, she settled in together with her wife and Kes could tell, Anara was feeling much better by the time sleep claimed them both.
The story did not end there though, for in their dreams, Kes found herself sitting on a cliff outside of the Ocampan city where she'd grown up. It was an isolated place where she'd rarely taken anyone else. Only Lona once or twice, because she knew Lona was like her in that way - that she liked to have time to just... not talk, not think, and simply be.
She wasn't alone this time either. But when she looked over next to her, it wasn't Lona she saw, but Anara...
--It's beautiful...-- Anara spoke in wonder. --I've never seen so much water so close before...-- Kes got the impression of a time when Anara had seen oceans of water once, but... from high above.
--Soon, we can come here together if you want...? and not just in my memories...-- Kes offered.
Anara moved closer and rested her head on Kes's shoulder and Kes wrapped her arm around her and they just sat there together for how long Kes didn't know. But, at some point, Anara moved to kiss her and Kes responded... It felt like magic.
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Snuggled up close with her wife, Kes was startled away the next morning by Lanam's cry. She got up so fast she ended up getting tangled in the blanket and falling out of the cot, crying out herself when her hip hit the floor a little sharply. "Ouch..." She murmured her herself, shaking her head and realizing what had happened. She turned to look at her crying daughter who was sniffling and calling out, asking what was happening.
"Kes? Kes, what's wrong?! What's happened?!" Anara asked, getting up. "Where did you go?" She asked, getting out of bed and tripping herself. Kes scrambled to catch her when she fell. She sighed in relief. "Are you... are you alright?" Kes asked.
"Fine... I'm fine. Never mind me, what-"
"Lanam's fine, Tresit's..." She looked around to be sure. "gone somewhere, I..." She sat her wife down and went to go scoop the sniffling Lanam up in her arms and bring her to Anara. "Shh, Lanam, I'm here, we both are." Kes cooed, handing her to Anara who held her close.
"But Tresit, where's brother gone?" Lanam pleaded. "He's never gone when I get up, he never is!" She told them urgently.
"That's true, he... oh Kes, what could have-"
"Oh no..." Kes spoke quietly.
"What, what is it? What do you know?" Anara asked urgently, holding Lanam to her so her daughter's head rested on her shoulder.
"Last night, he heard us. When - he heard what we said. Maybe... maybe he just needed some time to himself?" Kes ventured.
"...If..." Anara wiped some welling tears of her own from her eyes. "If what you say is true, then it's... it's much worse than that, Kes. So much worse... All my fault. I've dreaded it so long... I should have never spoke it aloud, never..." She spoke in a broken sort of despondent way.
"Anara... Anara, you have to tell me." Kes prompted, moving close and touching her face and shoulder consolingly. She longed to hold her, hold them both, but she knew that whatever Anara was afraid Tresit had done was more important than that now.
"He's gone to kill him. He's gone to kill his uncle. I knew, if he ever found out, his honor would make him do this... He's... he's just a boy though, Tulk will... will surely kill him." And as the words hit her, they hit Lanam too and she started crying, wailing really, inconsolably.
"I'm going to find him, I swear I... I'll bring him back." Kes told her, feeling the panic and urgency well up inside her. "Take... just take care of Lanam while I'm gone, and try to quiet her. It's... you know it's not safe that she's so loud." She told her, though she hated that she had to say it.
"I will." Anara told her. "Please, Kes... save him for me, please..."
Kes was already up and getting her clothes on, finding her knife, and seeing Tresit's knife was missing. "Just, this isn't your fault, Anara. It's not, and, and it won't matter anyway, because I'll bring, I'll bring him back. I will because it, it just has to happen that way." She told Anara, her mind denying that it could happen any other way, even though her heart knew otherwise. When she was dressed, she ran out of the house as fast as she could, her mind packed with not only her own fears and urgency and guilt, but Anara's too. They were still bonded, and it was all Kes could do to focus through it on the thing that both she and her wife needed now... to have their child back - to have him still be alive.
As she ran, distance made the bond between her and Anara more distant seeming too, but it was still there, and Kes held on to it for strength. And more, Anara knew precisely where her wicked brother's house was, and she knew the streets of the city better than Kes did, so Kes used Anara's memory to guide her unerringly to her destination, and used her own telepathic abilities to warn her of anyone who was in her way so she could avoid them.
It was still early in the day and the sun was just starting to truly light the world again. Tresit was younger, had smaller legs, and would have had to have moved much more slowly and carefully to avoid being caught than the quick and all but unceasing pace Kes's longer legs, urgency, and preemptive telepathic scanning allowed her to move, so she held out hope of arriving in time.
When she arrived at the house, there was a man walking up to the door. Kes didn't feel she had enough time to stop though, and if he went inside then she'd have to contend with him anyway. So, before he saw her, she reached deep and forced her way into the man's mind. He turned to see her, and she made him fall unconscious. She was breathing hard, and doing what she'd just done caused her to tire further, made her head feel a just little fuzzy also, but being bonded with Anara seemed to be giving her at least somewhat more energy. Or, she believed it was anyway, she wasn't really sure if it was or if it was just her imagination telling her it was.
Either way, she wasted no time in going past the fallen man and into Tulk's house. There was a woman in the kitchen who saw her and backed away in fright. --Be quiet, or I'll come back and kill you.-- Kes told her telepathically. She didn't really mean it, but she didn't want to use any more energy making her fall unconscious too and hoped frightening her would be enough to keep her from calling out for help.
The woman looked very afraid of her, and Kes felt guilty for doing it, but, if that woman where were a mother, she would understand.
Kes went past the kitchen, up the stairs, and heard the sounds of a struggle. She burst into Tulk's bedroom and saw an older Kazon boy holding Tresit down, about to stab him with his own knife. "Murderer!" The boy accused Tresit. The boy's mind was too filled with fury to let her quiet it quickly like she'd been able to do with the man before, so Kes did the only other thing she could think of to do that she was sure would work. She reached deep inside herself and did what she hadn't wanted or needed to do again before now, and she found that place inside her that had lashed out at the man who had tried to force himself on her before and she lashed out at the boy, burning his mind and making him drop the knife. He cried out in pain and fell off Tresit, curling into a defensive ball and sobbing.
Kes stood there, feeling in shock. Had she really just done that to a young boy? She'd had to though, to save her son, hadn't she? She stopped what she was doing and the boy fainted. She met Tresit's wide, scared eyes, then looked over at the bed. A man was laying there, it had to be Tulk. He was bloody and dead. What had happened here?
"Father?" She heard a small voice call out.
Snapped out of her frozen state, Kes turned and went back into the hall and saw a young boy, younger than Lanam, in the hallway. A young girl hurried out of the room and gathered the boy up in her arms protectively. "Please, he is only a small boy." The woman pleaded. "I'm just a girl... We can't hurt you." The girl pleaded.
"I... I won't hurt you." Kes told them.
Tresit came out into the hallway then and looked at the two. "B... brother?" Tresit spoke. "Cousin Thalla?"
"T... Tresit? Little Tresit?" Thalla questioned meekly. "Is... is it really you? You... you killed father?"
Tresit's voice hardened. "He killed my father and our uncle, Ralka. I was right to do it." He told her.
The words looked as a blow on the girl's face. "No, it's not true..." Thalla whimpered, holding the little boy who must be Anara's third child, Vastu, in her arms closer, though he was noticeably struggling to squirm free.
"It is true!" Tresit accused. "Now give my brother to me. He belongs with me, not you." He told her, advancing on her.
Kes heard a man's shout from outside. Someone must have seen the man she'd left on the street. "Tresit, no, we have to go - now!" She told him, tugging him back.
"But, my brother!" Tresit protested defiantly.
"If we try to take him with us, we'll be caught and he'll be killed too." Kes told him. She didn't know if that was true or not, but she wasn't willing to risk that it might be, and saying it seemed to work.
"I..." Tresit nodded that he accepted her argument and let her take his hand and lead him away. "I will be back for him, Thalla. Remember that I will!" Tresit called back to her.
Kes led him down the stairs. She caught the woman she'd past before's eyes as she did, but quickly turned away and lead Tresit out the back way. She hurried them through the city, not saying anything as they went, but feeling all of not only her own roiling emotions, but Anara's as well. Still, Tresit was safe and they were coming home, and that was such a relief to both her and her wife that the rest didn't seem quite as bad as Kes suspected it really was.
Kes hurried Tresit on at an almost frantic pace, though she was nearly paranoid in how careful she was to keep out of sight of others (not that paranoia wasn't justified at the moment, because Kes was very certain that it was completely justified). At last though, they made it out of the city and into the foothills among the rocks where Kes finally collapsed on her feet, breathing hard, leaning her back against one of the rocks, and taking long, steadying breaths.
Her nerves were more jagged that she was sure they'd ever been and she felt the residual effects of all the fear she's felt and still felt all through her body. Her thoughts were a jumble and she felt like she might pass out, but was trying very hard not to. She couldn't afford to do that now, not until she got Tresit home again to Anara. She could sleep then. For now, she just needed to rest a while to get back enough energy and clear her thought enough to keep going.
"Kes, mother, are you... are you hurt?" Tresit asked.
Kes closed her eyes and took a long deliberate breath, getting her thoughts together enough to where she could look over to him and meet his eyes and try to smile kindly just a little to assure him that she was going to be alright. "I'm... I'm fine, you don't have to worry, elshyash." She told him, using the Kazon word for 'honored son' and touching his face a little - like Anara would sometimes, she realized. She felt Anara here with her so strongly now, like she was almost speaking through her, and Kes was happy to just let her by this point.
He let out a breath, relieved. "I... am sorry, for the danger I put you in today... I didn't mean for it to happen like this." Tresit told her softly.
"...What did happen? Before I got there?" Kes asked, in accord with Anara in wanting to know the answer.
"I don't know if it was honorable, to kill a man while he slept, but... I am not a fool. I could not have done it otherwise... My father's memory was honored, his soul is with the Eight, and now he can slumber peacefully. His murder made right." Tresit told her, looking... very proud of himself. Kes couldn't really understand that, feeling that way about... about killing someone. Even someone horrible like Tulk. But Anara understood, and she could feel that... her wife was very proud of her son for what he'd done.
She couldn't deny Anara the words that came from her lips next. "My son... I am proud, my elshyash." She touched his face again.
He looked relieved at her words, and Kes could just sense his mood enough to realize that he hadn't been as sure as he'd sounded that what he'd done was a good or noble thing at all. Kes remembered looking at the dead man in the bed, covered in blood from all the times Tresit must have stabbed him to make sure he died, and imagined how it must have been for Tresit to see that and know he'd done that with his own hands. She felt tears fall down her cheeks and she wiped them away and smiled at him. "Come on, we should get going." She told him, even though the truth was that she wasn't nearly as content with all that had happened as Tresit or Anara were... Even though she wondered a little, in a place inside her mind that she wasn't letting Anara see, whether she'd ever be able to look at Tresit again as the same innocent little boy she'd though of him as before what had happened, before... what he had done.
"Of course." He agreed. He'd been breathing hard too when they stopped, and Kes could tell he was a lot more tired than she was. Physically anyway. Mentally, Kes felt like she'd be happy to never go back to that horrible city ever again... She knew she'd have to, at least a couple more times though, to get supplies.
They walked on in silence for a while. "We have to go back for him, for my brother. Will you help me?"
Kes didn't answer right away, she just kept walking. "I want to talk about all of this with Anara before we do anything. I'm... I think I just need to sleep for a while. I can't really think that well right now." She told him in a soft voice. Anara sensed that she was tired too and thankfully was just sending supportive and loving thoughts her way.
"...I understand." Tresit told her, sounding reluctant.
Kes looked over to him. "Promise you won't go without me? Please?" She asked him, almost pleaded, really. Even after what she had seen, even if she'd never think of him in the same way again, Kes knew that she still loved him anyway. Loved him very, very much...
"...I won't. Not unless you refuse to go. That is all that I can promise." Tresit replied.
Well, she supposed that would have to be enough then, for now.
The rest was a problem for later.
She kept walking, not letting go of Tresit's hand all the way back to their house.
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See you next time...