Chapter 3: What Love Knows, My Lips May Never Speak
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When Kes awoke the next morning, she felt fingers trailing through her hair... She opened her eyes and met Anara's nearly unseeing pale red eyes looking back into hers. The look in them took her breath away a little. "Anara..." She spoke.
Anara shook her head and smiled a little. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been..." She started to apologize, laying down beside her.
"No, it's alright..." Kes hastened to reassure her, turning onto her side to face her. "Only..." She touched her face. "Why were you...?" She asked softly.
"I was trying to imagine... what you looked like." Anara told her, though Kes had the feeling her sleeping companion wasn't being completely honest.
"Is... is that all?" Kes had to ask, though she wasn't at all convinced it was smart for her to press on.
"...No..." Anara spoke, turning over to lay on her back and gaze sightlessly up at the ceiling.
"...Then what?" Kes asked.
"I... you... desire me. My sight is... but it's... it's obvious to see..." She admitted softly. Left unsaid was that maybe Anara thought that was the reason Kes was doing what she was for her and her children. And... there might be some truth to that, but it wasn't the main reason... just the main reason why she liked sharing her bed so much. Which, maybe was bad enough, she considered.
"Oh..." Was all Kes could say. She felt shame and dread close around her heart like a hand was gripping it...
"It's... for many other races, I know, it's common enough... many times, it's even what's normal and expected... not for my people, but..." Anara trailed off.
"What... what is it like for your people?" Kes found herself asking, hoping to forestall what she thought might be coming.
"It... doesn't happen. With men, yes, it can - there is no taboo against it and it's usually accepted. With women... if it does happen, the women who do it would know better than to let anyone know of it." She told her. "I... that is to say, I never considered... but..."
"It's alright... and... I should have told you that I felt this way before... before I shared a bed with you like this..." Kes admitted, embarrassed and guilty.
"Oh no, no... I..." Anara sat up and looked down at her hands. Then they heard the children begin to stir.
"We... we can talk about this later." Kes told her, getting up to sit beside her.
"Yes, later... but..." Anara moved in and... Kes's world was thrown upside-down... Soft lips on her, kissing her... a tongue, entering her mouth... she responded, she couldn't help herself... like she'd been starving, dying of thirst, and only now been given water. Then it stopped, and Kes couldn't think. "You should know... I'm not averse to the idea." She heard Anara's voice say.
Anara got up out of bed and went to see to her children. Kes stared blankly after her, her hand coming up to touch her lips. She felt herself smile a little, a light felt like it was blooming in her heart and she felt like laughing. Her cheeks felt hot, and she felt herself fall back onto the cot, her eyes staring as unseeingly as Anara's ever had. She was happy... in fact, she felt like she actually understood the word happy in a way she never had before...
"Wow..." She heard herself say in just a soft whisper.
Before she could think anymore about it though, Lanam was climbing up onto the cot to get on top of her and ask why she was laying there and not saying anything. Kes laughed and swept the little girl up in her arms. She got up and sat her down on the floor, telling her she'd get dressed and then they could all play a game again.
All morning they behaved just like... like a happy family, really. Kes kept stealing glances at Anara, who didn't seem to be acting as if anything had changed between them of consequence at all. She maybe smiled to her a little more, or spoke with a little more warmth to her than before... or maybe, Kes thought, she was only imagining it. The kiss though, and what Anara had said to her afterwards, kept playing out over and over again in her mind, and every time they did, Kes felt happy all over again.
Before long though, it was the time that Kes had been planning for the previous day. An hour past when all the men would be gone to work in the mines. The sun hadn't gotten really hot yet, and wouldn't for a few more hours yet. The cliffs had just ceased giving most of the city their shade. It was time to go back, to find more provisions. If she was going to provide for Anara and her family, it would be best to have a reserve stock of food and water. And if, after she discussed it with Anara, they decided to leave and go back to the Ocampan city where she'd come from, then, ideally, they'd wait a few days at least until Anara and her children were better fed and in better health before going, and they'd need to be well stocked with provisions for all of them for the trip as well.
All of which meant she and Tresit would be going down to the city again. She wanted to go alone, but she knew enough to know that Tresit would be badly hurt if she didn't let him go with her. That he wouldn't understand, and that Anara might even not like her so much for making her son so miserable if she even tried to convince him that he should stay... even though she knew very well that he should stay.
She thought about it more though, and made up her mind that she should at least take Anara aside and ask her if there was a way they could convince Tresit to stay this time without harming his sense of self-worth.
So it was, a little later, in hushed tones, Kes asked her question. "I was thinking that I need to go get more supplies for us today." She told her.
"Can't... can't that wait for a while?" Anara asked, sounding apprehensive of the idea.
That warmed Kes's heart, that Anara was concerned about her like that. It was definitely a good sign. Kes shook her head though. "We should have some in reserve, and you and your children still need to get your strength back. It's not a good time to be rationing so much as we are." She explained, holding back on her idea to take them home with her for now. That was a much longer conversation that she'd save for later in the evening when there was more time to have it... Assuming, of course, that she'd make it back this time. She planned to. She was determined to. But she also knew her luck might run out. That was why she was determined to at least ask what she was going to ask next.
"I suppose so..." Anara agreed deferentially.
"It's just..." Kes went on. "Is there a way, something we can say... so Tresit won't feel like he has to come with me this time?" She asked. "It's dangerous, and... I can do it by myself. There's no need for him to take a risk like that too." She told her, hoping Anara would have a good answer for her. "Besides, if we're both caught, then there'd be no one..."
Anara was quiet a moment. "...I know there's truth to that... and I worry for him too, more than I can ever tell him... but no. If you go, he must too. It is... simply the way of things..." She told her softly.
"But..." Kes started to say.
Anara brought a finger to touch her lips, though she seemed a little shy in doing so. "It would disgrace him. I have been the one to raise him, so he is... gentler than most males would be, but he is still a male... he would not forgive this easily."
Kes wanted to say 'but he would still be alive', but she felt that would just make this harder and hurt Anara more to say aloud what she must already know. No, this wasn't an argument she was going to win, she could tell that... she hadn't really thought it would be... she'd just... had to try. "Alight... I just, I had to ask." Kes told her softly, looking more than a little longingly into Anara's eyes, and knowing Anara wouldn't know, wouldn't see. The idea of... of Tresit being hurt, and it being her fault... she couldn't stand to think of it. Not only was she growing more fond of him and his sister by the minute, but the idea of causing Anara that much pain, it wasn't something she could face thinking about over-much. And she didn't really understand why Tresit had to go with her... she understood enough to know that it was true, to sense his and his mother's feelings about it, but... that didn't mean she felt she could ever understand this, not really, not in her heart.
"It... does you honor that you did..." Anara told her softly, almost shyly.
"Thanks..." Kes replied, feeling a little unsure of herself.
"Kes..." Anara spoke.
"Yes?" Kes replied curiously.
"I would... offer myself to you, upon your return... If you... wanted to claim me... that is... you... I would find it... very agreeable... to be yours..." She finished sounding as shy and deferential as Kes had ever heard her.
Kes felt her cheeks, her whole body, warm at that. "I... would like that... I'd like to be yours too, Anara." Kes told her softly.
Anara looked up at her, a look of... almost wonder on her face, or maybe it was shock? "...Mine?" She asked, the word carrying volumes.
Kes touched her cheek softly. "Yours..." Kes confirmed, her emotions feeling too close all of the sudden.
Anara touched her hand reverently and Kes, feeling confused and flustered and overwhelmed... in a good way, but still, she felt like she wanted to run away, at least for a little while.
Anara was smiling shyly to herself. "I... never considered that..." She admitted softy.
"Then... I'll, um, leave you to... consider..." Kes told her softly, getting up. "And don't... I'll keep him safe, with my life, I promise I'll bring him back to you if... if it's possible. I swear I will..." She caressed her hair and Anara looked up at her, a brave smile on her lips. A look that told Kes that... Anara had faith in her. Anara's hand touched hers and Kes felt the weight of it, the weight of he belief in her... but liked how it felt all the same.
She let her hand drop and walked over to where Tresit was telling his sister a story. She knelt down beside them. "I'm going to go find more supplies in the city..." She spoke.
"I'll go with you again." Tresit spoke, getting up and going to get his knife, which he'd left a ways away. He always did that, kept it away from his sister to make sure she couldn't accidentally hurt herself by handling it.
They got ready, made what few preparations they needed to, and said goodbyes to Anara and Lanam (hugs were involved).
As they walked, Kes was silent and caught up in her own thoughts, and Tresit somehow sensed that she didn't want to talk.
Kes had to think what a wonder it was, and what a gift... that someone like Anara, who had suffered so much in her life, had given her such faith, and opened her heart to her the way she was.
The other part... The part about... claiming her... Kes knew from what she'd gathered from Anara's mind what that meant. It was how Kazon were married. A man would claim a woman, give her a token, usually a family heirloom that she could wear on her body, and if no other man challenged his claim and defeated him in a fight in two days time, the man could claim her (or bed her, in other words) and they were married. So what Anara had done was basically to ask her to be her wife...
It wasn't exactly the same thing though. In Kazon society, a woman was, in more ways than not, considered like property - subservient to their husband's will and desires. That's what Anara had offered her... ownership of her. That's why Kes had felt she had to offer her the same in return, to let her know that she didn't want to own her, that she wanted to be her wife - with the meaning that would have in Ocampa society, not in Kazon society.
Among the Ocampa, even though they would be largely ostracized, at least no one would say they couldn't be together. No one would think they were like... objects, just because of their gender. No one would doubt that they were married just like anyone else. After all, why else would two women (or two men) take on the burden of being all but outcasts if they didn't love each other that much?
"...You want to claim her, don't you?" Tresit finally spoke as they walked.
Kes stopped and looked at him. She was a little taken aback, but managed to hide it quickly. "...Not exactly... but yes." Kes admitted. "How did you know?" She asked.
"It's easy to see..." Tresit told her softly. "I don't know much about... things like that. But I know enough to tell." He told her, looking like he was thinking very hard about the subject, trying to figure it out. "What did it mean, 'not exactly'?" He asked.
Kes sighed and continued walking with him, making their way through the rocks. "Well... it's different where I come from. People don't claim each other... it's more like... friends, just... a lot closer friends. For men and women, there's children involved."
"But not for women and women?" Tresit asked.
"Well, Anara already has you and Lanam, so obviously there are this time, but usually no - we couldn't." Kes told him.
"Oh... well, if you wanted to, couldn't you just, you know, ask a man to..." Tresit shook his head. "Do whatever it is that happens to make a child?"
"I never thought about it. I... suppose so though." Kes admitted.
"Well... however it works... I want you to know, that I think it's good." He told her. "You make her happy... more than Lanam and I do, even... I think you should claim her... or whatever the other word for it is." He told her.
"...You do?" She asked softly.
"Of course. Why not?" He asked. "If it's because you're not Kazon, I don't think that should matter. Some people think it does - my uncle hates other races. I think he's wrong though. I think he's wrong about everything and right about nothing." He pronounced bitterly. "...And I think father would have wanted mother to have someone to protect her, if he couldn't anymore."
Kes smiled fondly. "She's got you, you know." She told him softly.
"...I'm not enough. It's obvious I'm not, and I was stupid to think I could be. I'm small, and young... I'll grow to be strong one day, if I survive that long, but... that's not today. And even then, it... I'm her son. It's not the same. It's not enough." He told her.
Kes's smile stayed right where it was. "I'm honored." She told him.
"...Good." Was all he said back.
She felt a little like laughing, but stubbornly kept herself from doing it. She was sure Tresit would be offended - especially if she told him how cute he was being about all this. Instead she refocused herself on being watchful. They were getting closer to the city perimeter now.
They weren't going in the long way around like they had to fetch her supplies, they were taking a more direct route. It gave them better cover, in fact - though where they were entering was closer to the mines - and so more densely populated and with no abandoned buildings. On their previous sojourn, she'd asked Tresit about why there were any abandoned buildings at all, and he hadn't known. He'd asked Anara about it when they got back though, and Kes had heard the answer too - the mines had been moved four times over the years, when it was more profitable to do so. That part of the city where Kes had first entered that had the abandoned buildings, that was too far from where the mines were now and also not close to the space port, so people had moved to be closer to where they worked and left the buildings abandoned.
Once inside the city, they made their way cautiously through the streets and alleyways, Kes always in the lead, using her telepathic senses to warn them of when someone approached. It was a big advantage, but one Kes wasn't over-eager to rely too heavily on. She still guided them by the least conspicuous routs she could find and kept to the shadows as much as possible.
Luck was with her, and, before long, she found a house that looked fairly nice where no one was home.
They entered and started looking around. Kes went to the kitchen while Tresit looked around the rest of the house. The kitchen didn't yield any treasures this time though, just some plates and a cooking pan with a few morsels of food carelessly left uneaten. Kes was going to scrape them up with her fingers to eat when she heard a loud, sharp noise and went rushing from the room to find Tresit.
She found him by a storeroom door, knife in hand. "Sorry..." He said, looking ashamed of himself.
He'd used his knife to force the lock on the door and it had made that loud noise when it broke. "Never mind, we have to go - now." She took his hand and pulled him along behind.
"But..." He was protesting, looking back. The storeroom had been rich, but Kes wasn't about to risk someone coming into the house to investigate the noise - even the seconds it would take to grab something from inside were too much of a menace for her to risk.
"We can't stay. It's too much of a risk." Kes whispered.
He was silent and followed along without protest. They hurried down a back alley behind the house, just in time to miss an old man and a boy coming up the house's front door.
"They'll probably take what we were going to steal." Tresit told her jadedly.
That should have been surprising, but it wasn't. Whether or not it was true in this case, by this point, Kes wouldn't have put much past the people who lived in the city - the men anyway.
"Come on, we'll just find another house a few blocks away." Kes told him, purposefully avoiding addressing what had happened. She didn't want to embarrass him, and besides... She had a feeling he felt bad enough and didn't need her to admonish him not to make the same mistake again - his own shame would do a better job of it than anything she could say anyway.
In the house she found next, they found no locked storeroom - no anything, at least at first. Kes could smell the hint of water in the air though, so she knew it was there somewhere. She was going to give up and move on to the next house nevertheless, when Tresit found the secret door in the floor and opened it. It wasn't even locked - the owner apparently relying on the hidden location to protect his supplies.
Kes smiled and congratulated her companion on his success, secretly glad he'd been the one to find it - she was sure it would do his already wounded self-confidence a lot more good than anything she could have said in the way of comfort.
They loaded themselves up with as much food and water as they could safely carry without it slowing them down too much, and left.
Making their way back out of the city and home was a slow and tiring ordeal. More for Tresit, who was still recovering from nearly having starved to death, than for Kes. She didn't offer to carry more of the burden though, because it seemed obvious to her he wouldn't want her to ask that... even though she was still at something of a loss as to why the Kazon saw things that way. She did understand that they did see it that way though, and that was enough for her to respect their ways when she could (at least when it came to Anara and her children).
When they made it out of the city and Kes could relax her guard some, she found herself thinking about Anara again, where, while they'd been in the city, she'd purposefully forced herself not to, for fear it would be too distracting for her. She'd been right, because now that she was thinking about her again, she definitely was distracted by it.
A wife... The idea just seemed to sing in her head and make her feel a little light-headed with the feelings it brought up inside her. Of course, if she said yes and accepted the marriage proposal (or the Kazon equivalent of a marriage proposal, she supposed), then she'd have to give up on the idea of Tae completely... Of course, practically speaking, she'd done that not long after she'd seen Tae kissing her boyfriend like she had... she'd done it again when she'd decided to leave, and more than a few times since then. Practically speaking, she knew there was no chance and she'd accepted that.
Her heart, on the other hand, was... more stubborn. It was, perhaps, a failing for her people. Ocampa paired for life, and, once they developed feelings like that for a prospective wife or husband, it was often very hard for them to get over them if it didn't work out (it was, by far, the most common cause of crime in her society... it even inspired suicide in some cases, though that was a taboo in the extreme, so it didn't happen often). Still though, she'd felt that stubborn feeling melting ever since she'd met Anara, and in the wake of Anara's kiss and the things she had said after... it was all but faded away now. It still felt like a loss though, like a hole in her heart would be left if she let all hope (even the irrational kind) die away completely. She was going to do it though, it wasn't really even a choice. She couldn't even imagine herself saying no to Anara, and could only think of one reason why she might...
Once that question was answered though, she'd say yes and she'd do her best to forget any notion she ever had of her and Tae being together ...This was her chance at happiness - a happiness she'd never known could feel so sweet and good and wonderful... she wasn't going to miss it.
After a little while, Tresit started talking again, asking her questions about where she came from, and mostly about her family and why she'd left.
"I wanted to see what else there was to life... If there was anything more for us than the life I knew. And... Well, there was another reason too." She admitted.
"What?" Tresit asked.
Kes just smiled. "It's... not something I really want to talk about right now." Kes admitted as they made their way over some rocks. The house wasn't far ahead now. It was still too painful for her to want to talk about Tae out loud... Maybe she could, once things were more certain with Anara, but not before.
"Oh... there are some things that are just like that, I guess." Tresit said. "Some things... words just don't help... I understand."
Kes regarded him thoughtfully at that, but didn't say anything back. They walked the rest of the way in silence.
She found herself wondering, not for the first time by any means, what her parents would say... what they would think of her life now. What they would have said, if she'd told them her secret. If she'd told them about her feelings for her best friend... would they have told her to leave? She still didn't have an answer, of course. She wanted to think there was a chance they might be proud of her though... She supposed, if she took Anara back home with her, she'd have her answer, wouldn't she?
At least then she'd know. Did her parents really lover her? Were her friends really her friends? Growing up, once she'd realized how she was different than most other people, it had been a lonely thing, not knowing that about anyone. At least, she knew, she had known that about Lona, towards the end. And that was something she treasured greatly, even now.
When they got back to the house, Kes took some water for herself, took off some of her outer clothing, and laid down to rest. Tresit was more hungry than tired, so he and his family set out some food to eat. Kes heard Tresit telling them a little of what had happened on their outing, notably downplaying what had happened with the storeroom on their first try, and Kes found herself falling off to sleep as she listened to them.
When she woke up from her nap, Anara was sitting on the edge of the cot looking out of the front door watching Lanam and Tresit who were out front in the shade playing a word game with each other. The look on her face was a fond one, although she knew Anara must not be able to see them very clearly, even though they were a ways away and, farsighted as she was, she'd be able to see them better than if they were up close.
Kes sat up. "I bet you miss being able to see them..." She spoke quietly. Anara's seeing problems were degenerative - they'd started some time ago, and gotten worse month by month.
"I do..." Anara said, turning to look towards her with a small smile on her lips.
Kes touched her arm, sliding her hand down to cover one of hers. She closed her eyes and tried to do something. When she opened them, Anara gasped.
"I can see..." Anara spoke in reverent tones. "A miracle... how..." She shook her head, but didn't finish her question, she just fell silent and watched her children play.
"It was an idea I had just now, I thought... maybe I could, so I tried to let you see though my eyes..." Kes told her softly.
"...It's incredible..." Anara spoke, still sounding more than a little awed. "I could never see this well, even in my youth. Everything is so clear and sharp... and bright... Thank you..."
"You're welcome..." Kes replied, feeling a little shy.
A few tears were falling from Anara's eyes, and Kes sensed them somehow through the bond she'd opened between their senses. She blinked and stopped what she was doing, moving to wipe the tears from Anara's eyes. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you sad." She told her regretfully.
"You didn't... Not at all..." Anara replied, sounding younger than Kes had ever heard her sound.
"Oh..." Kes replied, smiling a little to herself. "In that case, anytime you want me to do that again, just let me..." Her words ended as Anara kissed her again. Kes felt her eyes flutter closed, her senses drinking in every sensation, and her thoughts all gone away. She felt Anara's hands, one in her hair, the other on her neck, knew her own hands were moving around to encircle Anara's waist. She felt their bodies become closer to one another, and she knew it was... perfect...
The kiss ended and Kes still couldn't think. She blinked her eyes open, and felt the world in a way she hadn't quite ever done before. Everything felt just a little bit more... real to her somehow. She couldn't explain it, and she didn't want to try.
"I thought about what you said... and I do want... I want to claim you, Kes. I want... I want us to claim each other." Anara told her with soft, shy-sounding sincerity.
Kes forced her mind to work again. "I... I want that too. It's only... I have to hear you say the words... I have to know that..." She closed her eyes and smiled a little to herself, trying to steady her nerves. "I just can't seem to think rationally with you so close." She spoke. "But... if... If you..." She closed her eyes and tried to force herself to ask the question. "You know that... I'd stay anyway. I wouldn't leave you on your own, even if... even if no claiming ever happened between us. I need you to know that. I need you to.... I need to know that you want this between us... that it's not just because I can provide for your children. That it's not just... because you think it's what I expect in return, because... because it's not." Kes told her softly. "I'd do it anyway." And she knew that she would, that what she'd said was completely true.
Anara was silent for a few (very long-seeming) moments. "I... um, I... that is..." Her voice trailed off and she didn't say anything else.
Kes felt the weight of that silence hit her like a blow from the dark. "Anara..." She didn't want to think... "Anara, what's wrong? Talk to me, please talk to me...?" Kes asked.
"...I don't know..." Anara finally said.
"...Don't know what?" Kes asked, now feeling confused.
"I don't know why." Anara told her, looking up to face her again, even though Kes knew she must not be able to see her as more than an indistinct blurry shape. "Why I feel like I do... for you... Maybe... maybe what you say is part of it, or maybe not. Does it really matter?" She asked softly. "Is... isn't it enough that I do want to be with you? That... that I want to be yours?" She asked further.
"But... it is what you want though?" Kes asked. "You don't feel it's... an obligation of any sort?"
Anara shook her head. "No. Not an obligation, not at all... I want you... Very much I do... I... it feels... right... I... do not tell Tresit or Lanam, but, while I loved my husband, I think that I did love him at least... but I feel... more... much more for you than I did for him. It feels like... what I'd imagined love would be like, when I was a little girl and knew no better, but, growing up, never found to be true... It feels like... like I'll die if I don't..." She reached out to touch Kes's hand. "Like I'll die if I can't touch you..." Anara confessed in such a soft voice Kes could barely hear it.
Kes moved forward and kissed her, not thinking, not analyzing what Anara had said, just kissing her...
They moved closer, kissed more, touched more, and Kes was pulling her down on top of her and she felt Anara's body on top of her and a thrill unlike anything she'd ever felt before went through her. She found herself rolling Anara around onto her back and just touching her, kissing her... maybe... maybe even claiming her, if you looked at it like a Kazon would. Anara was a little hesitant to assert herself at first, but as Kes continued to kiss and touch her, Anara became more emboldened. She responded to her touch with... hunger... She wanted more... she didn't know what to do exactly, but she knew that it would involve taking off their clothes.
With some effort, she stopped herself, biting her lip and leaning her forehead on Anara's.
"What's wrong?" Anara asked softly. "Was... was I too forward?" She asked.
"What do you...? Oh, no, of course not... you can be as forward as you want. I like it that you are." Kes told her with a smile, sighing and laying down over her, so she could see out to where the children were. They'd moved further away and were playing that game with making shapes from rocks. Kes imagined that maybe Tresit had seen what was starting to happen between them and acted to give them more privacy. Still, would it be enough?
"What is it then?" Anara asked shyly.
"Is um, is it appropriate? With, I mean, with Tresit and Lanam so close..." She started to say.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Anara asked, confused.
"Well... if we were back home where I came from, we'd... have our own room. This... would be private." Kes told her shyly.
"Oh..." Anara said. "I don't... there isn't one here. A room. I..." She sounded a little panicked. "Does that mean... I mean..." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair in frustration.
"I take it... it's not..." Kes started to say.
"A taboo in my culture? No... maybe things like that would be, maybe they even were at one time, I can't say... but my people, we were slaves for so long... Never had much space to live in. Crammed together too close. If we didn't do this sort of thing where we could, we'd have had trouble carrying on our race." Anara said, smiling a little bemusedly.
"You said that before, that your people were slaves... tell me about it?" Kes asked softly.
"Oh, well... alright... Once, in this part of space, there was a... well respected, wealthy race of people, called the Trabe. They lived in luxury, had things like art and culture... they traded with other planets, colonized other worlds, and grew fatter and more lazy by the day... The reason why, of course, was because they had my people to do all their hard work and menial tasks for them. We fought against each other, our society long divided into sects with grievances against one another going back so long no one remembers how they started. It's why the Trabe were able to subjugate us so readily in the first place, I'd imagine. We were the first world they colonized, the first other race they met, and, I suppose, we failed to win their respect. Still, over the years, our anger grew and grew until, one day, the grudges we had against one another seemed a smaller and smaller thing in comparison to what was being done to us. We finally banded together and set aside our differences - overthrew the Trabe, and took what was theirs for our own... Most of them are dead now, some of them scattered to the stars, reduced to vagrants. Any Kazon ship that comes across them will usually... usually kill them, one and all. Once the Trabe were defeated, of course, the old rivalries and grudges didn't take long to come back. Even now, somewhere out there among the stars I imagine, Kazon are killing other Kazon... I imagine you know this by now, but while my people can have nobility to them - where we are capable of it, at least... in large part, we are... a hard people, with little kindness in our hearts. I think it's understandable... if a sad and pitiable way to end up for us. My father was a good man I think, and my husband too... there is good in my people, even though it may be hard to see sometimes..." Anara finished.
"All I have to do is look at you and the children you've raised to know that's true..." Kes told her.
Anara smiled. "Thank you."
"You're welcome..." Kes replied.
"...I want to be your wife." Anara told her softly, turning her over onto her back and getting on top of her, touching her face. "I want it very much. Very... very much."
"I'd... like that too..." Kes replied.
"How are a couple married in your culture?" Anara asked hopefully.
"Our... parents would usually stand with us, before our friends, and... there would be words spoken, and then we'd be given a house. All that is really required though, would be the house. If two people have a house together, and sleep in the same bed, in my culture at least, then they're married." Kes told her softly.
"Then... does that mean we already are?" Anara asked softly.
"You... would have to say that your home is mine as well, and I would have to accept. If we did that, then yes... you'd be my wife. In Ocampa society, at least." Kes told her with a small smile on her lips. "What about... for your people? I think... we'd have to give each other tokens?"
"Mm, yes. The man gives the woman a token... but really, that's... only an affectation... to ensure others know... In our case, others of my kind wouldn't respect any tokens we give to each other, so they would be mostly useless. Although I wouldn't object to exchanging them anyway, I suppose. It's not important to me though. The important part for to me... is to do what it is we'd want them to know about. For it to be real... you simply... claim me." She told her. "And I... I would claim you as well."
Kes closed her eyes. Her heart was beating so fast, and she wanted so much to just accept what Anara wanted from her right now. "I..." Kes swallowed. "Are you sure this is alright? For the children, I mean?" Kes asked softly. It wasn't something she really knew anything about, after all. Normally, before doing this with... if she took a husband like a normal Ocampa woman would, then Martis, her mother, would have talked with her and told her what she needed to do with him. How a woman went about this. For people like her though, she supposed that might never have happened anyway. Her mother might have rejected her for marrying another woman, then she and her wife would just have to figure things out on their own. She didn't even know what a husband and a wife did together, let alone a wife and a wife - she certainly didn't know what affect it would have on a child to see it. She imagined... maybe if she had seen what her parents did together, then at least she'd have a better idea what to do now. Still, maybe there was a good reason why it was considered such a private thing for her people? Then again, maybe it was like the exploration of their telepathic abilities or growing their own crops? Things her people didn't do and couldn't give a good reason for not doing other than 'the Caretaker's will'. Well, Kes had never seen any books of rules that the Caretaker had given them, any indication at all that he desired anything from them but their continued existence. From what she could tell, her ancestors had likely just guessed at what they were supposed to do and it had probably kept going through the generations because no one stopped to ask if their forbearers had guessed correctly or not. And besides, if it was commonplace among Anara's people, it probably wasn't anything to worry about... then again, Anara's people hadn't exactly left her with the best impression of them on the whole, had they? ...No, the truth was, she just didn't know, didn't have nearly enough information to make an informed decision. What she did have however, was a solid belief in Anara's good character, and so she felt she would just have to trust in Anara to make the best decision for her children.
Anara sighed. "I've seen my parents couple many time. My brothers and I used to watch them and make jokes... The worse that could happen is that they might make fun of us for sounding funny. My brothers and I never dared do so to father's face, but you're much less intimidating than he was. You may have to endure some teasing... but Tresit has seen myself and his father doing this, he will recognize it for what it is and know that we aren't to be disturbed."
Kes smiled to her and gathered her courage, trusting that Anara knew what was best about this. "I... can live with that." She replied, moving up to close the distance between their lips and kiss her soon-to-be wife.
The kiss lasted long, blissful moments, and Kes was fast losing all sense again, when Anara stopped. "First... I need to say, to offer to you... my house is yours now too, if you want it?"
Kes smiled, her thoughts hazy with a yearning she didn't understand but didn't have any desire to deny. "I want it, I want you... I feel like I've been waiting all my life for this." She told her with quiet, serene honesty.
Anara moved down and kissed her. Kes kissed back of course. Both their hands freely exploring their partner's body. They took their time, both acclimating to this new experience, and, at least for Kes, she was in no hurry to rush this... in part because, as much as her body and heart were telling her how right this was, her mind still had doubts in her ability to... perform correctly.
She comforted herself in knowing that Anara at least had never done this before either, not with another woman at any rate, and surely there had to be a difference. Maybe a big difference... Her hands felt under Anara's clothing to her waist and Anara... growled to her. Then her clothes were being taken off... slowly, yes, but with such sensual delight in each purposeful touch. The sensations bloomed all throughout Kes's body, making her feel so hot inside she could hardly believe she didn't burn. Her body was just buzzing with want and needs she had no names for... to where, when she was at last free of her clothing, she couldn't stop herself, she rolled Anara over onto her back and kissed her, took her clothes away with a thrumming sort of urgency burning through her and kissed and touched her skin, her neck, then lower, to her chest... her nipples, hard and waiting...
Anara continued to growl in her chest softly, the vibrations soothing somehow to Kes's ears, but those sounds also seemed to be calling to her too, telling her the woman below her wanted her, wanted her as much as she wanted Anara. What followed from there was Kes moving down lower... what capacity for reasoned thought she still had seemed to leave her from that point on, which was probably a good thing because it also meant she lost her doubts too.
How much later it was when her thoughts finally, grudgingly returned, she couldn't say, all she knew was that she felt so just... right with herself now. And so different. Maybe... maybe this is what it felt like to be an adult? She wondered that as she snuggled in just that little bit closer and kissed her new wife's neck, just under her ear. By the traditions of her people, a person wasn't considered truly and adult until they had children, and, since she and Anara had just been married, now she did, so, she supposed, she would be considered and adult. Though... she didn't really want to care about that, becasue, by that way of judging adulthood, others of her people, the ones like her, who couldn't have children together, would never be considered adults, even until they died of old age... It wasn't an especially happy topic to think about at a time like this though, so she deliberately put it out of her mind and put her attention back where she most wanted it to be, with Anara.
"How do you feel?" Kes asked Anara softly. She didn't get a reply, and realized her wife had fallen off to sleep. She had a very contented and happy smile on her lips though, so Kes took that as a good sign that it had gone well.
She got up a little and thought to look for where the children were. Her eyes found Lanam and Tresit on their bed, taking a nap like their mother was. That wasn't uncommon. They were still recovering their energy from their near starvation, after all, and they took naps often. She sighed and laid back down, snuggling up to her wife again. Her wife. She really, really liked the sound of that... She even liked the thought of having children too. These two children in particular, at least. Tresit, while still baffling in some ways, had really worked his way into her heart. He was very different than the other Kazon males she'd met, in the ways that mattered at least, and he'd defied his uncle to take care of his mother and sister, and that probably endeared him to her the most. And little Lanam, who's warm smile and trusting heart had won her over right from the start... she was always cheerful, and always made her smile, and that was such a gift. It was bizarre of course, that they were both so much older than she was. She still didn't really understand how it was possible. They even still seemed like children in most ways, though Tresit had displayed a certain emotional wisdom at times that she would expect from someone so old. They didn't have an adult's understanding of the world though, or an adult's fully developed intelligence. They still seemed to look at the world as children would... The only thing she could guess was that the Kazon must simply develop their minds at a much slower rate.
She'd noticed that, about all of them, even Anara. That they just seemed to... learn things more slowly. Where she'd learned almost everything about Kazon culture from them (she didn't understand the underlying reasons for some of if it yet, but she knew how a Kazon would be expected to act, how they spoke, what was important to them, what wasn't, what would offend, what would flatter, how to make them laugh, what to say and not to say, and so on), where as Anara had picked up much less about Ocampan ways from her than Kes would have expected for how long they'd known each other. It had been surprising to her, though she hadn't let on of course. She had to surmise that her own people just naturally learned things a lot faster than did the Kazon... she supposed they would have to, living so much shorter lives... Lanam, for example, still didn't have full command of the language or know how to calculate sums. Any Ocampa child would know how to speak before birth and know sums nearly as soon as they were introduced to the concept, higher mathematical concepts soon after. She could also tell that their memories didn't always work. They tended to forget things a lot... Kes had never even heard of the concept of forgetting before. No Ocampa ever forgot anything, except perhaps some things during their first days of awareness inside their mother. After that, Kes could remember precisely every word her mother had said from then until her birth. It had only taken her five days to learn the language completely.
The difference didn't bother her at all, but it did occupy her thoughts sometimes as an area of curiosity...
Anara shifted and snuggled up closer to her, and Kes was suddenly overwhelmed by her memories of their marriage... How Anara's skin felt under her hands, against her body, how Anara's fingers felt when they traced down the line of her spine, eliciting such pleasure as she had never known before... How it felt to make love to her, to taste the liquid from her vaginal opening as she climaxed... to have Anara's head between her legs, feel her tongue do all those things to her... to touch her, to find new ways to please her... how amazing her breasts felt to touch... She found her hand caressing one, even as she thought of it, and found herself remembering vividly what it had felt like to use her mouth on it, her tongue... to go further... to make her cry out softly in pleasure, her name spoken so sensually, with such need, from her wife's lips...
She wanted to do it again... Many, many, many times...
She moved, as if drawn by an invisible force that she couldn't name but that she knew to be a part of her, to place her lips to her wife's chest, to kiss her skin, use her tongue, then take one of her nipples into her mouth and suckle just lightly on it. The attention caused Anara to wake and cradle her softly to her.
Her wife's hand running through her hair. Kes moved away from the tempting breasts and up to join her lips to Anara's for a kiss. "How do you feel?" Kes asked again softly once the kiss parted.
Anara smiled peacefully. "The best I have ever felt, because of you..." Anara replied. Her smile quirked a little in amusement. "I think I've discovered why our males forbid the women of my kind to do this with one another..."
"Why is that?" Kes asked curiously.
"Because if they did, then we wouldn't want to do this at all with them anymore." She replied thoughtfully.
"Wouldn't you still need to though? To further your race?" Kes asked playfully.
"I suppose..." Anara replied absently. "But we'd never want to be claimed as a man's wife, at least. There... is no comparison..." She said, her expression one of deep satisfaction.
Kes smiled to herself and snuggled up to her wife, pleased by the very flattering praise. She had to wonder about Anara's words though. If there was truth to them, and, if so, how much... Maybe it was that way for her own people too, and any woman, having experienced making love to both a man and a woman in turn, would choose the woman as a spouse? Could it be yet another of those traditions past down from their ancestors that simply didn't make sense because they'd done it incorrectly the first times and no one had thought or had the courage to correct the error sense? Or, at least, not enough people. And was it the same for men? Or would a man chose a woman over a man more often given the equivalent choice? It would explain the difficulty, particularly among the Kazon, if that were true... Still, it seemed just as likely that many women would chose a man over a woman in that situation - that it was simply a difference from person to person. Why would there be a difference like that though? Given the same set of circumstances, why would one person chose one way and another chose a different way?
Most of her people didn't believe that a person's life continued somehow after they died. Some did. Daggin was convinced that there was some form of life after death. He believed the old tales that said that when you died, you, the essence of your self, became part of the air and could travel anywhere you wished, even out among the stars. Those stories were largely thought of as nonsense by most Ocampas, but some still believed in them, just like some still believed the stories about their ancestors having fantastic mental abilities... abilities like the ones Kes had discovered that she had within her since coming to the surface. How much more would her abilities develop if she practiced them further? Could she become like their ancestors in the stories? And if she could, did that mean that the stories about life in the air after death could be true too? Perhaps... perhaps a person could even come back to where they'd come from after journeying through the air and among the stars for a time? Perhaps they could be born again? It would certainly explain the difference from person to person. It would certainly explain why she and her friends had been so different than the average ...Then again, there could just as easily be another explanation... or maybe even no true explanation at all? Was it necessary that there be an explanation? For anything?
When she thought about it after all, what was there that she could actually fully explain to herself? Why was water necessary for life? Why not some other substance? Why not sand? How did water keep you alive when nothing else could? What was it about water that intrinsically had that effect? It was just a molecule, after all, not significantly different than any other type of molecule in any way that would explain the phenomenon of life, at least not in any way that Ocampan science could determine. And even just the act of walking. Energy originating from your brain traveled through your nervous system and gave instructions to your body to operate in very precise ways - thousands of small intuitive calculations your mind made with sensory input without any difficulty - and it added up to a step and another step and walking. But how could you explain how those variables added up to that result? You could see that they did, you could see how they interacted with one another to produce the result, but not how the equation was able to work in the first place. Not what made the equation work, when any of a billion other very similar equations would not work. You just had to accept that it did work, and no other equation would in it's place. There was no explanation yet found, there wasn't even enough information to form so much as a vaguely convincing theory...
It was similar to falling in love... For her the equation of man plus woman equals love did not function, where as the equation of woman plus woman equals love did - with results that were so spectacularly beyond explanation she couldn't even fathom how to ask the question accurately. Yet within that one equation that worked, there had turned out to be at least two subset equations that would work. Kes plus Tae equals love worked... or, perhaps it didn't, even though it felt so much like it would have functioned perfectly, given the chance. Kes plus Anara equals love, that worked perfectly from both sides though... But, sooner or later, it would prove impermanent - like walking, like water, and like life - wouldn't it?
Did that mean her people were right and life ended after death? Or did it simply change? Water didn't end, it simply changed shape after all. Couldn't life do the same? Could love?
"Anara..." Kes asked softly. "What do the Kazon believe happens to a person when they die?"
"...Our legends say that, when we die, The Eight reclaim us. Many believe it still, though many care not for the old ways, say they are hollow, after our people fell to the Trabe, who believed in different gods. Some even say that The Eight were too weak, and that only by abandoning our worship of them did we break free from the Trabe. Some say we are stronger without gods, and that if we become strong enough, perhaps we can become gods ourselves when we die. Others have taken to adopting the gods of other races, stronger races. The Krowtonans, for instance." Anara explained, matching Kes's soft speech.
"And... what do you believe?" Kes asked in return.
"I... have always liked the old legends. My mother believed them. She believed that... though she only told me this and never my brothers or my father, that we had been enslaved by the Trabe because we had abandoned our gods, and not the reverse. The Eight... they were in balance, originally. Four female, four male. Each representing a different aspect of nature on our home-world... Stone, soil, light, darkness, water, air, flora, and fauna... and the Kazon they made as their caretakers." She explained.
"I take it things didn't go the way they planned..." Kes replied.
"Very much they didn't..." Anara answered. "We abused our world... became as a blight upon it, so that it became stark and barren. And we, a stark and barren people to live upon such a world. We lost our balance with nature, and... between men and women. Few know that part of the legend, it is mostly past from mother to daughter, or so my mother told me... My mother used to pray to The Eight every day, as I do still... Perhaps they listened after all? Perhaps... perhaps they guided you to me..." She spoke the last of that shyly.
Kes smiled softly. "Perhaps they did..." She wondered if these eight gods and goddesses could be real... but she had no real information to go on, so she had no way of even forming a theory, all she could do was to form fanciful conjecture and imagine that it might be true.
"Do your people have deities?" Anara asked curiously.
"Mm, no, we don't... some of us believe, have believed since the time before, that, when we die, the core, the essence of us, becomes part of the air... That we can then travel out among the stars, to find new places to live. If that's true, I think it may even be that some of us return, to live other lives among our people." Kes told her. "Most of my people don't believe such stories anymore though - most think we simply cease to exist when we die."
"Mm... a depressing way to think." Anara replied.
"I always thought so too. It's never seemed like it could really be true to me though... I just... if it were true that we just fade away, I'd think, I don't know, that we'd act differently somehow. That we'd be different... And, logically, it just... um, well... I don't think that string of reasoning follows through to anywhere. The only way it makes sense is... if nothing makes sense and everything is meaningless... and that just doesn't seem right... Especially with so much meaning everywhere I look... Especially... especially when I look at you." She finished softly.
Anara's eyes, even unseeing as they were, had an intense look to them. Her wife moved in and kissed her, moved herself so she was partly on top of her, and Kes's hands traveled over her skin, her eyes fluttered closed, and every part of her came alive in anticipation of what was to come. It, this, was by far the best feeling she'd ever felt... The kiss parted, and Anara spoke softly to her: "I love you..." Before kissing her again.
In her mind, Kes thought she really should say it back, but Anara wasn't really giving her an opening, and she was anything but regretful of that, so she just let the thought go and assumed she'd probably be saying it soon enough at some point... If she had her way, after all, they were going to do this more than once before they fell off to sleep again.
Claiming, and being claimed, where turning out to be, by far, her favorite pass-times...
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See you next time...