I wanna die. But I\'m not really sure I\'m alive. Funny, isn\'t it? Someone once said: "We\'re all dead, we just don\'t know it yet." That had to be a clever person. Because this world sure is full of pain, sorrow and guilt, but what about "that other world"? How can we possibly know that we will go to better place when we die. We don\'t. And that\'s reason why I\'m not thinking about murdering myself. If I want to go to a better place, I have to spin my head in the world of fantasy. That\'s the only place I can go to, only place I can hide myself before my parents. My mother, that acts like I\'m such a bother to her, and giving birth to me was the biggest mistake of her entire life. My father, who is getting to that place I\'m getting by my imagination, by getting drunk and my classmates who hate me because I\'m nuts and my parents too.
But i don\'t mind them. I was always alone with my imagination. And I always will be.
Sarah
---
I don\'t really like my life. My parents don\'t beat me, my grades at school are quite good, I have some friends also. But what for? Every day I play a theater. Theater of my life. I\'m pretending to be cute and nice girl in order of not bothering my parents. I\'m pretending to like my flowered suit when I hate it. I\'m pretending that I really love jabbering with my friends about things such as fashion or boys when I really hate to. And I hate them because they are just bunch of flappers that could be on the mobile phone talking about nonsenses 24/7. And that\'s because I don\'t want to be outsider. I don\'t want to be that strange girl who sits all alone in a corner. But I trapped myself in this life between being a good girl and being myself. I wanna play football, I wanna wear throusers and I wanna have a girlfriend, that\'s it. Just looking at my breasts make me feel sick. How can I bear something like that? If only I could fly away from this world...
Lisa
---
"Get me the garbage from your room, Sarah!"
"Sure, mum!"
I quickly tumbled the stairs with bags in my hands.
,,Hurry! The garbage pickup would be here anytime!"Said mother and throw the garbage into dustbin.
"Do you have any homework?"
"No, I don\'t."
"Again? So why I got the letter from school? Can you explain it?"
But I just stood here, staring on her through my hair. My grades are really a pain in the...somewhere...lately.
At the time the phone rang in our house. "We will talk again later."Said mother and walk away from the street.
"You old stupid bit..."And at the time I raised my head and saw her. My neighbor. She was throwing the garbage too. And she was so pretty. Her caramel straight hair was was falling through her fronthead and she seemed so...gloomy back then.
"Hi!"I raised my head to salute. She throw away the trash and did the same thing.
"Hi!"She said. And then the garbage pickup blocked the image of her from my eyes. She was gone when it left.
Sarah
---
,,Sweetie, Gemma\'s on a phone!"
"\'Kay mum! Gonna pick it up!"
"Hia Lis"
"Hi Gemma, what\'s up?"
"You\'re not gonny believe it Lisa! Eric just broke up with her girlfriend and he wishes you to be on his birthday party! Cool, isn\'t it? Bet he has a crush on youuu! You two could make so sweet couple!♥"(Yeah, I actually could see a lots of hearts going from the phone)
"Er...I don\'t think I could come to the party."
"What? But why?!"
"My parents don\'t allow me to. They are a bit old fashioned you know, and they think the modern parties are all about alcohol and drugs so I will become a junkie if I\'ll go with you. I\'m so sorry, my mother\'s calling, bye!"
"Bu-"
I quickly put down the phone. It felt like my heart wanted to find a way out off me. But suddenly I raise my head and my mum was standing in the door.
"Old fashioned? Do you really think so? If you want to be there, I will let you. It could be good reason to talk to some boys!"She smiled.
"No, mum. I don\'t feel like going with them. I\'mmm...I\'m rather shy so these parties don\'t feel good for me."
"So you told her a little lie to not make her feel bad?"
"That\'s right."
"You\'re such a good daughter."Mum pat me on a head and walk away from my room. If she knew...
But it wasn\'t all. Later that evening, I heard someone throwing stones on our window. And as I opened it, I saw Gemma and girls from our group, and-of course-the most beloved captain of football team, Eric.
"What are you guys doing down there?!"
"We came to get you."Gemma explained."There are no lights on instead of your room, so your parents are asleep, it\'s easy! Just walk away and get yourself here before morning and they will never know!"
I sighed. "Okay!" Why I did not say that I\'m sick? You stupid little...kid...
Lisa
---
What did just happened? There are some of my classmates under her window... Uhm...she\'s so pretty tonight. Bet she goes on a party. They will never invite me to some. But I think it bothers her...she seemes upset a bit. And what about the boy? Her boyfriend? Hm...nevermind...gotta go to sleep....If I could sleepm forever I guess it could be just right...
That was what I thought. But in fact, I could not stop imagining her, her nice face, her long legs, her sad face her "friends" probably couldn\'t see. And I caught myself thinking what if she was right there in my bed...and as the fantasy threw away it\'s chains....I finally fell asleep.
Sarah
---
Eric got us to party by his own car. He already had a driving license, and girls loved his swagger. I hated it. I hate him. He think that he could get any girl he put his nasty finger at. And now he wanted me. I knew this evening would be the hardest part of my theater. But I had to endure it. I had to!!
It was his trap from the beginning.
"Don\'t you wanna another glass of vodka?"
"No...thanks..."
"Oh comon\'! You don\'t seem to have fun, this will set you free, believe me."
So I get myself drunk. And soon I didn\'t even recognize when, I was kissing him on a table, with his tongue stuck in my neck. And I really didn\'t mind. At that time everyone was very drunk. I think someone even got married on a party.
And suddenly, he stopped kissing me. "I will show you something. Something really cool!"He said. And I followed him,blind and deaf and apathetic as death.
We got in some empty room upstairs and he started to undress me. With that filthy fingers, he touched my body over and over and I wanted to vomit up. Vomit up on his flat chest, on his budding beard, on his filthy finger. And when he wanted to take off my pants, I really did it.
"You drunk bitch! That dress is new!"He shouted. But I didn\'t mind. I just quickly picked up my clothes and run to the toilet, when I dressed. Then I run straight way to my home. I felt so sick and dirty, I could still feel his tongue in my neck and his fingertips on my body and I was so disgusted!
I don\'t know how much time passed, but I finally got home somehow, after two avoided car accidents, and uncointed number of people that yelled at me.
But just before the door I stumbled and fell down on the ground. There was nothing to stop my tears falling. I cried like a little baby because I was so disgusted. Disgusted of myself.
Lisa
---
I woke up in three o´clock in the morning by sound of slashing door. In a while I heard some voices downstairs. And I knew that my father finally got home.
"Ya really have some other man, dontcha?!"He shouted so loud that it could wake me up even if I was in a coma.
"Go to bed, Richard. Just go to bed!"
"I know ya have I know ya have!!! And I\'m gonna tell ya somethin\'!"
"Richard, you will wake up neighbors again."
"I wanna them to wake up! I wanna them to wake up Narcissa and tell them how bitchy you are!"
Hit! He hit her! That never happened before. It was quiet after that. I wondered if they are still out there, but I couldn\'t convince myself to go downstairs. So I just sat on a bed and listened. After a while, don\'t know why, I turned my head to window. And then I saw her again. Crying on the street. That forced me to finally get up. I dressed up and went downstairs. Fortunately, there was noone in a halway so I could carry on to my neighbor\'s house.
"Hey! What did happen?"I shouted. She raised her look that was blured by tears and I knew that something wasn\'t right. So I just sat next to her.
"You can tell me anything if you want."I started to talk."I will...I will listen"But she just couldn\'t stop crying. So I layed my hand on her back and stayed quiet.
After some time, she said:"You can\'t help me."
"Oh, and how would you know that?"
"Because...you don\'t know what I feel....I...I kissed with a boy, a handsome boy as they say but....but I really hate it. I hate kissing with boys, I hate wearing skirsts and most of all I hate myself!!"She cried.
"But I think I know how you feel."
"What?"
"You know, everyone think I\'m nuts, because I not very communicative so I don\'t have many friends. In fact...I don\'t have any..."I laughed because I finally got out what was on my mind.
"My father drinks a lot and my mother hates me, so I don\'t have anyone. But I don\'t cry. I don\'t because it\'s me. I started to hate myself long time ago, because I though that people hate me because I am the person to hate. And everything I touched, every single thing was stained by me. I still hate myself. But my pain is lighter because I finally accepted who I am. Alone, introverted, but not a person to hate. When I see other people, getting drunk and beating wives, these are the ones that really should be ashamed of them. I mean...If you accept yourself, you can go through anything, because you\'re stronger."
Then I looked at her and realized that she\'s asleep.
"So pretty worlds, and they all are wasted..."
I didn\'t want her to have problems, so I decided not to rang on her parent\'s house and her into our house, so, she really layed on my bed...in front of me.
Sarah
---
The day after, I finally said to my parents what was pressing my mind for a long time. They were really suprised, but after some time, they believed me and accepted me. I broke all friendships with people I hate and started to go to poetry lessons with my new dearest friend, ally, or even girlfriend Sarah and we met some really nice people there. People that can accept you regardless of your gender, nationality or sexual orientation. And I finally began to live, thanks to one little night.
Lisa
---
I don\'t want to die. I wanna be there with Lisa, because I really love her. As the time passed, I made new friends, my mother forced father to go to detox, and everything is better. I want to go to university next year, so I have to make up my grades and learn a lot. But I don\'t mind because if I could do it, I will be with my love, Lisa. Sometimes I think...that we were made in oven for each other.
Sarah
The end