RECORDING
Chapter Twenty-Three
Three Simple Words
Azusa tried to keep herself from leaning too heavily on Yui, but the senpai didn't seem to mind either way. The two of them traipsed the sidewalks of their hometown toward the Nakano residence. The moon waxed full, giving everything startling silvery clarity. By day, Azusa thought, her neighborhood was like any other; but by night it resembled a monochromatic acrylic painting. Everything had a sharp contrast: brightly lit on one side, deeply shadowed on the other. Objects had a unique sense of mass; grass stalks seemed as sturdy as marble pillars.
"The moon's so pretty," Yui chirped. Her voice didn't belay one note of exhaustion, yet Azusa knew the moment her head touched a pillow she would pass out into one of her Yui-comas. The kouhai smiled.
"They say the moon inspires insanity," she said conversationally. "The English word 'lunacy' comes from the Latin lunaticus — which means 'moon sickness.'"
"Your English is so cute, Azu-nyan," the older girl giggled. "Though I didn't understand any of those words you used."
It was then that Azusa let her head drop to Yui's shoulder. Her girlfriend put her arm around her, supporting her whilst she trundled drowsily along. Whether Azusa fell asleep or not she was not sure of. She was only aware of eons of time slipping by in a few slumberous minutes. When she lifted her heavy, sleep-clogged head off Yui's shoulder to look up at her, she found her girlfriend in a pleasant, tranced-out state; eyes glazed, cheeks pink. Azusa could guess what she was thinking about. It was that guess that prompted her to hook her arm around Yui's waist. She wouldn't ordinarily do this sort of thing in public, but she knew they were safe under the night's cloak.
A few moments later Azusa abruptly pulled Yui to a stop before the Nakano driveway.
"You almost dragged me past my house," she accused.
"Azu-nyan was ready to walk past, too," Yui muttered.
"I w-was not!" Azusa spluttered, flustered. "And stop referring to me in the third person!"
"But your name is so cute…"
Cute, bah, the pigtailed girl snorted inwardly, sounding like a Japanese Scrooge, as she led the giggling Yui up to the front porch. What am I, a cupie doll?
The porch light was the only trace of gold in the silver moonlight world. Moths pelted it relentlessly, turning the light into a natural disco ball. Azusa frowned at the moths, thinking how late it was for them to still be out when she realized…
"You've got a birthday coming up," she said, turning back to Yui.
The older girl paused before grinning. "I do. In twenty days." She snatched Azusa up in a crushing hug, nuzzling her cheek. "Are you getting me a present, Azu-nyan?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get you something…Now put me down!"
Yui brought Azusa back down to her feet, but didn't release her from her embrace. The kouhai rested her arms about Yui's neck, leaning into her a bit. As she listened to the senpai's breathing, she got fed up with herself. Fed up with her aversion to love. No public displays of affection, stop hugging me, don't call me cute like that — it was all crap, and it made Azusa sound like a C U Next Tuesday. Who am I to deny Yui-senpai like this? Admit it, she's made you happier than you've been…ever. Go on, admit it.
Azusa felt a familiar nervous energy in her arms. She hadn't felt this way since Halloween.
As if sensing her girlfriend's cark, Yui murmured, "What are you thinking about, Azu-nyan?"
"I just…" The senpai relaxed her grip, allowing Azusa to pull back. The pigtailed girl dragged the back of her hand tenderly along Yui's jaw as she muttered, "I was thinking…about how happy you make me." She would have asked Yui how happy she made her, but decided there was no questioning that.
Suddenly the kouhai was aware, like a florid smell pervading muggy summer air, of that intoxicating lilac scent assailing her nose. Oh God, Yui's smell. How provocative it was! Now Azusa really couldn't deny her feelings for her favorite senpai. She stopped stroking her face and cupped it as she leaned in for a kiss. Yui intercepted her girlfriend's motions by wrapping her arms more tightly about her waist. She pressed Azusa close to her chest, like the younger girl was something infinitely precious to her, and gently covered her thin but plump lips in a slow, reverent kiss. They kissed three times, not seeing the aurulent porch light, yet they basked in its glow, as well as a rosy glow of their own.
"Oh, Yui," Azusa breathed. They weren't kissing now, but Yui gently held the swart-haired girl's lower lip between her own whilst she caught her breath. Azusa was now rubbing her palm against her girlfriend's cheek. She loved Yui. She loved everything about her. She loved her charmingly easygoing manner, her acceptance of things the way they were, and her openheartedness and cheerful honesty. She loved the sound of her voice, the barrettes she wore in her hair, but most of all the smell of her skin. If Azusa was a cat, then Yui was catnip to her: addictive, and with such a tantalizing scent. The kouhai found herself crushing her face against Yui's. She could practically taste lilacs in her mouth and throat.
Yui's body didn't stiffen or lock up. But her soprano voice did sound awkward as she chuckled, "Azu-nyan, you're kinda…"
"Hang on…I gotta…" Azusa froze mid-nuzzle. Cold sweat snaked down beside her eye, chilling in the autumn midnight. Oh my God! I'm all over her! Breathless with horror, she tore herself away from Yui, her lungs aching for more of her heady fragrance. She was so ashamed of her ardency that she couldn't even face her. The kouhai's shame felt hollow yet leaden in her heart. "I-I have self-control," she stuttered, assuring both Yui and herself. "I'm not an animal…I've got a brain…"
The older girl was bent forward with laughter that was not mean or mocking, but genial and hearty. She stared at her hands from which Azusa had somehow escaped and giggled. Humming her girlfriend's name amid peals of mirth, Yui brought her arms around her small shoulders, hugging her the way she used to when they first met. A moment later Azusa's shaking ceased and her jaw unclenched. It was a warm embrace, but not carnal — one of those artful, sexless moments. The younger girl kind of forgot why she was so embarrassed by how foolish she had been earlier. Sighing, she pressed a caressing hand to Yui's forearm, knowing this would be an unforgettable moment for her.
The moment was truly unforgettable when Yui turned Azusa around so their lips just touched, whispered, "I love you, Azu-nyan," and punctuated the declaration with a sensual kiss.
There it was, the thing Azusa had tried once to tell Yui, and Yui had just flawlessly told her. The kiss was like a signature on the contract of love. The pigtailed girl tilted her head to plant another kiss on her girlfriend's full lips, buying extra time to figure out how she should answer this.
When Yui pulled back her brown eyes smouldered in the gold and silver light. Azusa knew that, like any sane person, she wanted a response.
"Same here." The instant Azusa said that she regretted it.
Yui's smile never wavered as they kissed a few more times. Azusa wanted to hit herself over the head with a shovel. Why, why, why did I say that? I was supposed to say 'I love you, too,' and what did I say? 'Same here.' God, I'm such a retard. The kouhai groaned for reasons unrelated to kissing.
"Easy there," Yui teased as they pulled back. "I've got a brain, you know."
Azusa lightly smacked her girlfriend's arm.
"Do you want to stay the night?" The ebony-haired girl thought this might make up for her obvious inability to say I love you. "I mean, your house is really far away."
The senpai turned her dust-colored eyes upward as she considered the offer, and that worried Azusa. If Yui really wanted to sleep over, she would say yes, regardless of the consequences. The kouhai's apprehension bordered on panic when Yui said, "No, thanks. You have to be up early tomorrow, and I'd just be in the way."
She's mad at me! She's mad because I didn't say 'I love you'! None of the Light Music Club members had ever seen Yui get angry, but what other explanation was there? Yui never thought in terms of what could happen. Azusa was sure that this was a flimsy lie covering that she didn't want to be around the kouhai right now.
Azusa had officially entered panic.
The worst part was that she really did love Yui. But because she couldn't say it, everything between them was going to be ruined. What was wrong with her? Did she have a mental illness that prevented her from expressing love? Caritaphobia. That was a real irrational fear, wasn't it? Everyone else could say 'I love you.' Her parents said it to each other all the time. Sometimes after band practice she overheard Sawako and Mugi saying it to each other. And she had no doubt Mio and Ritsu said it. All around Azusa the words 'I love you' were flying out of people's mouths. And she just could not say it, no matter how much she meant it.
And really, Azusa couldn't blame Yui for being suspicious. This was the second time she hadn't said 'I love you.' The first time was probably pardoned due to nervousness. Now Yui was probably wondering if Azusa really loved her at all.
Yui started to descend the one step off the porch. Flustered, Azusa cried, "Yui-senpai!"
A little startled, Yui turned around. Above her Azusa stood rigidly, her shoulders up to her neck. Her small hands anxiously clutched the hem of her skirt like a grade schooler would. Her maroon eyes were wide with fright. Behind her the porch's jaune light splayed and scattered around her, like a holy glow.
"Yui-senpai," the kouhai exclaimed, "I…I…" She fell silent, quivering violently, her breath shaky and shallow-sounding. She wanted to say it.
Yui's smile was brighter and more golden than the porch light. "I love you, too."
Azusa exhaled and let Yui head back home. She lingered by the door, watching her girlfriend stretch her arms behind her head at the end of the driveway. Her silhouette was nothing more than an obscure shadow in the moonlight. So Yui knew at least that Azusa loved her. She wasn't angry. That was what the kouhai wanted, wasn't it?
It wasn't. More than anything Azusa really wanted to say it.
It was dark in her room, as dark as it gets, when Azusa was shaken awake by her mother. The only light that permeated through the inky pre-winter blackness came from the hallway outside her door and the piercing ruby numbers of her digital clock which told her it was 05:14. Five hours' sleep…That was the first thought Azusa had, and it made quite the journey to emerge from her slumber-fogged conscious. Her head dropped back to her pillow.
Mrs. Nakano clicked on the nightstand lamp. Pink light dazzled Azusa's closed eyes and, moaning, she threw an arm over them.
"C'mon, up and at 'em." Her mother's voice sounded odd, like she was trying not to laugh. "You've got your root canal today."
Azusa lowered her arm and squinted at her mom. Mrs. Nakano had a hand over her mouth, obviously trying to hide a smile. She was the one who had described every gruesome detail of a root canal, so the noir-haired kouhai wondered what she was laughing about. Azusa sat up and realized she had gone to bed in her uniform with her hair still up. Oh.
"I'm not glad that I'll have to take your uniform to the drycleaners," Mrs. Nakano admonished whilst her daughter threw together an outfit from her chest of drawers, "but I sure hope you had fun sleeping in it."
"I'll take care of it," Azusa groggily promised, trudging over to the bathroom.
Sometimes a shower could really be her worst enemy. The warm water just made her drowsier. Usually she was all business in the shower and it was just the process of washing her lengthy hair that kept her in there long. Now she just lingered between washing and conditioning, lavishing the cozy, relaxing spray. Eventually Mrs. Nakano pounded on the door and ordered her daughter out of there. When Azusa emerged from the bathroom, her shiny hair plastered to her Micky Mouse sweater from when she was eleven, her mother scolded her about using up the hot water, save some for your father, the poor man deserves a warm shower, too, doesn't he? The guitarist nodded and responded automatically. It was still pitch-black outside. This all felt like a dream.
She got a little shut-eye in the car on the way to the hospital. Her mother, whose name was Mitsuki, grunted, wishing she could fall asleep as easily. Azusa had gotten that from her father. Mitsuki remembered how in high school she would come upon Hikaru napping in the most random places. Usually he had his guitar strapped around him. That must be nice, she thought wistfully, to fall asleep so easily.
"Why are you…?" Azusa's sleep-talk trailed off into muffled babble. Mitsuki glanced at her daughter. Azusa was still snoozing, though her eyebrows were lowered in a glare. She remained quiet and still for the next fifteen minutes. Then she shifted in her sleep so she laid (sat?) on her side, arms outstretched in front of her. Most of what she said was gibberish which reminded Mitsuki of when she was a babbling, cooing infant, outspoken in her own baby way. Azusa said something like, "Take me…" The rest was indecipherable. Then she said, loud and clear, "I love you."
Mitsuki sucked in her breath, her brown eyes focused on the road. Now it was official. Her daughter was really in love with someone. She ran through some of the boys Azusa hung out with, trying to see if she could gauge which one had stolen her daughter's heart. It was a short list, considering most of Azusa's friends were girls. Mitsuki's best guess was Sakamoto Takao, a shy boy whom Azusa had palled around with since primary school…Or he was the boy Mitsuki hoped Azusa was in love with. The other guys were good friends to her, but the woman doubted they would be good boyfriends.
Take me. Mitsuki sweat-dropped as she left the highway. Don't tell me Azusa's having…that kind of dream. The dark-haired woman tried to calm herself by reminding herself of two things: one, Azusa couldn't help what she dreamed. And two, sex dreams weren't really about sex.
Mitsuki had to once again wake her daughter once they arrived at Hana to Kokoro Hospital, where Dr. Ootsuka, the family's go-to oral surgeon, earned his living. Azusa hadn't been here in over ten years.
In the elevator she told her mom a bit about the dream she had. In it Azusa and Yui were cornered in an alleyway by goons with switchblades. The kouhai ordered Yui to call the police. The elder girl complied, dialing 911 on her cell phone, and then she handed the phone to Azusa, who had yelled, "Why are you handing me the phone?" Mrs. Nakano observed, "Your friend seems very dependent of you." Azusa snorted in agreement. What she hadn't told her mother was the fragment of her dream in which she was trying to tell Yui she loved her. She said the words over and over, but Yui kept laughing and telling her how cute she was. Azusa remembered yelling, "Take me seriously!" but Yui just laughed. The pigtailed girl's frustration was so consuming she wanted to punch Yui. But she was rooted where she stood, paralyzed.
In the waiting room Azusa realized that fragment represented a role reversal. In the parallel world of dreams she could say 'I love you' as easily as Yui could say it in the real world. She had wanted her girlfriend to say it back to her, but she would not. And, Azusa suspected, this was what was going on between them, in reverse. Maybe it's me who's not taking Yui-senpai seriously.
Around noon Mitsuki dragged a still-woozy Azusa into the house. They found Hikaru in the den, lazily strumming his guitar and using his foot to turn the pages of his tab-book on the coffee table. Azusa extended a hand toward the guitar, quietly requesting it through a mouthful of cotton balls. The right side of her face was mottled mauve. Her father hesitantly passed her his guitar.
Her garnet eyes dull from the anesthetic and her face numb from the novocaine, Azusa clutched the instrument with both hands by the neck, the headstock teetering just inches from her face. The coal-haired kouhai murmured, "Strummin' on old man Joe," and rapped the guitar lightly against her head.
Her father took the guitar back from her.
After Mitsuki got Azusa down for a nap (a task she hadn't done since her daughter was four), she came strolling back into the living room. Hikaru was skimming through his new tab-book, purchased for just ninety yen at Goodwill, with his foot. He was looking for either a new song or a song he hadn't played in a really long time. He was a small man with black hair that he let flop forward on his forehead.
"In the car Azusa said 'I love you,'" Mitsuki announced.
"Aw, that's sweet," Hikaru murmured in his gruff tenor voice.
"…in her sleep," Mitsuki added.
Hikaru's foot froze. "I think I may need more information."
And Mitsuki was only too happy to give it to him. She sat herself beside him on the sofa. He closed his tab-book and inclined himself toward her. "I was driving her to Ootsuka, and she was asleep, and she said 'Take me' and 'I love you.'" Hikaru grimaced and his face flushed. His wife continued, regardless, "That means she does have a boyfriend! Or someone she likes! Do you think I should talk to her about this?"
Hikaru lowered his chin and peered at her from under heavily-lashed eyelids. "D-didn't you…already talk to her about this?"
Mitsuki nodded and waved a small hand. "Yeah. But back then she didn't have a boyfriend. Or someone she likes. If it's the former, I want to be sure she's being safe…"
Now his face was tomato-red. Trembling uncontrollably, he ranted, "Oi! What makes you think I want to hear that? All I want to know is who she's dating and if he treats her alright." Mitsuki giggled at his humiliation, and he turned away. "Jeez!"
"Hi-ka-ru," she sang. "Does someone need a hug?"
He held his head up stiffly, jaw rigid, as though he was balancing something upon it. "You and your — no, I don't want a hug!"
He gasped as he felt her arms close gently around his neck, her breasts so soft and provocative against his back. Her nose and lips brushed against his right ear as she teased, "I didn't ask if you wanted a hug, silly Naka-Hika. I asked if you needed a hug."
I've got the feeling she's going to give me more than just a hug…Hikaru gulped. She was pressed close to him and pressing closer. He laid aside his guitar. As soon as he turned toward her, she gently pushed him down onto his back. Her mouth found his in the warmly-lit living room, her hands pushing up his sweater and worming under the shirt beneath, her body curving into all his parts and places. Hikaru realized that the last time they fucked was when Mitsuki was pregnant; she was twenty-three, and he was twenty-two. That was an awfully young age to swear off sex for the next decade-and-a-half.
"Are…you sure she's asleep?" he gasped between kisses, suppressing moans and groans as she gyrated slowly in his lap.
"She's not a baby. If she wakes up and hears us, she'll deal." Mitsuki drew in a shaky breath as she felt Hikaru's boner pressing against the most sensitive part of her. His face was so red even his forehead was flushed. Crimson is the color of passion, and right now the most erotic zeal smouldered in his almond-shaped erubescent eyes. He squinted, his pupils dilating, which Mitsuki found oddly hot. She leaned forward and lightly brushed her lips along the bridge of his nose. "Just use your inside voice. If you can."
Nostalgia washed over Hikaru as they made love that afternoon (and, fortunately, not another baby). It reminded him of high school, when "Let's watch a movie" meant "Let's sleep together on the couch." He locked eyes with the funny, easygoing woman who was more than just his wife, and realized that her eyes were the same ones he had locked his on in 1987, in 1990, in 1993. Thirty-eight-year-old Nakano Hikaru could look into her eyes now and be fifteen again, nineteen, twenty-two. It brought him more bliss than he ever thought possible for his life as a husband and a father.
Just thank God the anesthetic kept Azusa from waking up.