Have you ever felt that you lost a limb? Or lost something important and needed in your daily life in order to feel complete? I have not lost an arm or a leg, but I still have this empty feeling of dread. My heart feels dry, so as my mouth and skin, but I’m healthy. I feel sore and light headed. At least I have a good excuse for feeling sore, as two nights ago I took the beating of my life! Since that freaky Friday I wasn’t able to stand up straight very well, but I can manage. That’s not the worst, Blue wouldn’t talk much. He would bring up fake smiles, he would hold my hand with hesitation, and he would hang his head in shame whenever I would whimper in pain due to my wounds. But he wouldn’t back down, and he wouldn’t voice out apologies because we both know that we both did wrong. I’m not so sure this battle was completely balanced or fair, but we both have wounds, deep stinging wounds. In some way, we were still pouring blood.
We walk to school in silence, the tension so thick that it seems to push people out of our way. We both have bags under our eyes and grim stares. My frown wasn’t rage full or thoughtful anymore, it was troubled and my black eyes looked like turning gray.
So much drama for a Monday, but we can’t be bothered with masks of happiness or well being. We were two teenagers living by themselves on their senior years”Living with their dad” (he spends most of the week in big cities), with no supervision other than their neighbors and their cleaning staff, and just happened to get themselves on the fight of their lives, and the result was ugly black bruises on my sides and arms, and Blue’s emotions crumbling down. We were clearly not ready to live like this!
I let go of Blue’s hand not bothering to give him a kiss on the cheek, or even turn to look at him, I just walk straight to my class. And there she was, Alice G... I can’t help but stare at her for a few seconds and keep walking to my desk which was conveniently at her side. I can feel her staring at me but I wouldn’t turn to acknowledge her at all. This continued through all the class, torturing my mind, making me anxious. But it is forbidden for me to talk to her, not only by my brother, but by my own pathetic will. I clench my jaw and keep staring at the teacher, suddenly paying attention to all this math bullshit.
“Red...” I hear her whispers and it’s very difficult to ignore her.
“Red, please, we need to fix this”
“There’s nothing to fix” I say firmly “I am giving you an opportunity”
“I don’t even know if I want it!” it’s really difficult to ignore her. “You and I we’re still lying to him!”
“Not completely, I did sleep with you while you were drunk, even though we didn’t do anything.”
“It’s not! How can...”
“Miss Biermann, Miss Gi-.. Gui... Giullacci!” We hear the teacher say “Is there something you would like to share?”
“Yes, this class is so fucking boring” Alice says and I gape at her as if she was growing a third eye “Red was telling me how your baldness distracts her from learning…”
“Why you little… BOTH OF YOU, DETENTION!”
“What for?” I say tiredly
“For talking and disrespecting my class!”
“Whatever...” I say calming down. I hear the teacher mumble something that sounded like “all these foreign names...” before returning his attention to the class. I’m so screwed up! I have detention with her and it was entirely her fault! How can I fix myself if she keeps following me everywhere!
“I rather eat shit” I mumble to myself.
~~~~~~
Detention with Alice should’ve been super fun! (Again with the sarcasm) I’m so tired of everything! I’m sitting behind a big guy and so the teacher can’t really see me, I decide to have a little spice, while my teacher reads a book. I’m actually resting a bit from Alice, even though she’s in the classroom; she’s sitting two desks away from me.
God, I wish I could just move out! So I begin to fantasize about a new life, I would be a hermit living in a beach, with crapping seagulls as my only company... Or maybe I would have a farm! Where I could raise dogs and kitties and bunnies, and maybe chickens, only if they’re not evil... I would also like to be abducted by aliens, but not the scary ones, the cheery happy ones that can sing and dance! I would be like a little god to them... Shit!
I discovered that I like K2 because it’s legal in most of the states so I won’t get in a lot of trouble. I actually haven’t tried any more than some bammies or spice; I tried to spark it up before with my loser friends (hence the bammies) but even though I like it, I did it two times before. This started a few days ago though, I think I won’t become an addict, I hope so...
I spray some axe between me and the big guy and let the can drop in front of him. He turns to face me with a confused stare before realizing what I’m doing and I just smile innocently at him.
“You want some, or what?”
“I don’t want to get into more trouble”
“You won’t tell on me, will ya’?”
“I-I...” This is priceless! He’s so nervous!
“Pick it up quickly! The teacher noticed.” I say pointing the axe can, while turning off the incense.
“Mr. Yorley what are you doing?”
“Oh, nothing sir... I... I was just putting on some axe! I don’t want to smell bad...”
“Behave, all right?” Stupid teacher was the kind that thought that WE (the students) have still some humanity.
“Yes sir!” He says, he discretely turns to face me again “You owe me one!” he says smirking.
Ohhhh! Oh yeah! Guy wanted a favor in return! I should’ve known better than to trust this guy. Well, let’s have some fun while Alice isn’t watching me.
“Well” I say smirking “What do you have in mind?”
“I want a date with you” He finally says out loud.
“Silence! Mr Yorley!”
At this, Alice stares up to me while I watch her from my peripherals, and I start to do some millisecond thinking.
Let’s see, I could promise him a date just that he won’t tell on me, and later on bail on him. But then, I thought again! It wasn’t such a bad idea. Even though I would be betraying myself, and my feelings, and my (mine?) beautiful Alice... But then again, I decided I would give up on her. I would never, NEVER return to her. And being with this guy it’s a good distraction, too! He’s good looking, with mid-length black hair and tanned skin. He looks athletic, sporty guy!
I take a quick glance at Alice who looks shocked and hopeful that I would say no, but I’ve already decided. I look at her indifferently (and it was so mother effing hard!) and tap gently on his shoulder.
“Mr. Yorley” I say teasing him “You’ve got yourself a date.” I reply with a sexy smirk and he grins at me.
Again, I took a quick glance at Alice, and she looks completely destroyed. Her small face in a grimace, she has bags under her eyes, too. When I saw her face, I felt something crash under my skin, and even though I was a little high, I couldn’t feel any signs of happiness.
~~~~~
Blue is very happy that I decided to move on. He stopped being awkward with me and everything went back to normal with him. He likes Fred (Yorley) as well and they actually get along pretty fine. I like Freddie as well, and with him I can finally have peace, you know? He is a cool guy and caring, too. There’s just one huge problem with me, HE’S NOT ALICE! I can’t stand to kiss him for more than 10 seconds, and every time we try to get to 2nd base I always freak out or say that I’m still not in the mood for that. Also, Alice? She won’t even look at me right now. It feels more than horrible. She’s still with Blue, but she’s cold towards him, now. She still doesn’t know that Blue hit me, and I’m not planning to tell her.
“Hey cupcake” I turn to look at Fred in the eyes, and see that he’s already feeling something for me.
He kisses me tenderly and I respond. I try to maintain the kiss for a longer time, grabbing his cheeks while he circles me with his strong arms. I try to melt for him, I really do. But after a while I just couldn’t, there was a knot in my stomach, something unpleasant. I try so hard to suppress it but then, Fred just moves away, not meeting my eyes.
“What’s wrong, Freddie?”
“You know, we started really fast… You made this fast, as if… trying to forget something. Or maybe… somebody…” He finally meets my eyes sadly, only to find me in shock.
“Wh-what do you mean?” I say nervous
“I mean, I’ve seen your face when I touch you, or sometimes open my eyes when I kiss you, just to look at your face… You seem hesitant, bothered. I sometimes feel like I’m hurting you because all you do is close your eyelids so tightly…”
“I… Don’t know what to say…” I say truthfully but still nervously looking at him.
“There is someone else right?” He says defeated. “You don’t have to lie to me; after all, we just started going out a few while ago…”
I don’t say anything; I just hang my head in shame.
“I like you, Red. I’ve always liked you since I saw you” I become shocked at this, was he in love with me all this time? “But I can be your friend, too. And you can talk to me about this other guy…” He smiles kindly at me and I just… Lose it! I begin to cry in his arms. I’m so low, right?
“E-Even if I want to do th-things right… I…”
“You don’t have to date me to do things right…”
“I’m in love with Alice!” I say to him fearfully, waiting for a reaction.
“That’s… your brother’s girlfriend, right?” I nod to him “Well, it makes sense! I was beginning to think I’d lost my charm! There’s no way a straight girl could make a face while kissing THIS” He makes a seductive face, mimicking a kiss and it really makes me laugh. I am really relieved that he doesn’t think badly of me… Not that I care too much… I guess.
“And have you talked to him about this?”
My face darkened and I explained to him everything just as I did with Keira, and I didn’t omit the big fight, but I regretted it instantly.
“The fucker hit you?”
“Oh FRED come on, I deserved it!”
“Yeah! But you don’t hit a girl!” He is so pissed off.
“Just let it be, I didn’t defend myself but I could have easily beat him” I say proudly.
“He took advantage, nonetheless” he sighs finally “You went to the doctor”
“No…”
“Come on, Red! Why are you so difficult?”
“It was only bruises, I’ve had worst. They’re better now, though I still have an ache in my ribs” I say pointing at my rib.
“Gee, I don’t know about bruises, but let me take a look, ok?”
“Yeah, sure. Just don’t take advantage” I say grinning
“Don’t worry, I’ll just take a small peek” He winks at me and then lifts up my shirt. I have no trouble with this but I do feel a little shy.
“Can I touch it?”
“Yes you can” I say tiredly but flushing, no boy has ever touched my torso; I don’t think that Blue has, either.
He touches it and I immediately flinch, because of nervousness though, because it doesn’t hurt as much.
“Did I hurt you?” He says gently.
“N-No… its fine, it’s just that I have some touching issues” I say blushing.
“Hmm… I don’t think it’s anything serious” He whispered to himself.
And then chaos! Alice comes through the door of my living room, and sees us in a very compromising position; Fred kneeling in front of me, grabbing my torso, with my shirt lifted up to my neck and I’m blushing like mad.
She was just standing there shocked, and I move away from Fred.
“He was just checking me for…”
“You don’t have to explain to me what you do with your boyfriend” she spat the last word with so much venom.
“If you don’t want to listen, that’s cool. I thought that since you claim to love her you would care if she has bruis…” I instantly put my hands over his mouth! “Idiot” I whispered to him “She doesn’t know!”
Alice was in shock again “Wh… How do you know that I…? I thought you two were dating?”
“Well we ARE!” I say to her but Fred cuts me off “No we’re not.” I look at him incredulously.
“Wait, did you say bruise?” She turns to me “What bruise, are you hurt? Wait, are you two not dating?! Will you guys explain to me what’s happening?”
“I don’t have to explain to you what I do with my ‘BOYFRIEND’”
“Not right now!” He glares at me “Yes, Alice, I know everything about what happened between you and Red. We were dating but we decided to break it off. And I won’t tell you the reasons behind it” wow, this guy has guts! “No, we were not doing anything sexual; I was just checking her up for bruises, like I said. And even if we were, why would you have to interfere or get mad? You DO have a boyfriend.” Ouch, that must have hurt.
She looks up to him, with a fierce glare.
“Why is she bruised?”
“It’s none of your business” I quickly answer but Fred cuts me off again.
“Your pathetic boyfriend did beat her up” I was soooooo mad at Fred right now!
“What the fuck are you doing, Fred?!” I glare at him with all my might
“Don’t you see, Red?” he’s so calm, it’s surprising “Lies, they all brought you to this mess”
I give up looking at him, and then I turn to look at her, and she looks furious.
“Is this true? WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE?”
“I DIDN’T THINK YOU HAD TO KNOW IT!”
“DON’T YOU SEE, RED?!” I see tears finally giving up from her eyes. “I CARE ABOUT YOU! I COULD HAVE BROKEN UP WITH HIM! I’m… I’m head over heels for you.”
“If you are, then why are you still with Blue?” I finally say it, giving up, contradicting everything that I’ve thought for the past days.
“Because he loves me, and… And you’re never going to be with me, aren’t you?”
I felt a hand on my shoulder and it was Fred, giving me the “I’ll-leave-you-guys-to-give-you-some-privacy” look but I hold his wrist. He hugs me from behind. I grimace because of my touching issues but I shake myself out of it and give him a peck on the cheek.
“I’ll be right back” He says to me and kisses me on the front.
So much fucking drama, I hate it!
“You are right, I’m never going to get back with you” I say painfully “Not even if you break up with him… It’s not right”
“But it’s what we both want!” She says hugging me.
You know how it feels when you haven’t taken a bite in all day and you are starving! And then you come home and you’re received with a delicious three course meal? That’s how I’m feeling right now. In her arms, I feel like there’s nothing better. I let myself be hugged and surrender in her arms. And it’s so wrong but so right.
“A-Alice” I say looking at her.
Why do I like to torture myself so much?
“You like to play with my resolve” I say “I still can’t do this to him, so please don’t make push you away the bad way…”
“I don’t care… I’m not leaving you” She says kissing me.
“Alice, I’m moving out!” I blurt out suddenly.
“W-What?” She looks at me with panic in her eyes. “You’re joking”
“I…” I try to think clearly, but I begin to fantasize with this new idea. I have some relatives living two hours from here. I’m sure I can get an apartment or maybe live with them! I could pay them or do the house chores! I’ll have to ask them. Though I don’t want to leave Bluey by himself… “I’m not joking… I’m moving out with some relatives”
“When?!”
“In a few days…” I lie.
“Where to?”
“That’s my business, but that’s two hours from here”
“But… Why?”
“Because I will prepare for… college… over there”
“Won’t you please, reconsider to stay here? For me?”
“No.” I say placing my hands in her shoulders. “I haven’t given it a lot of thought, but I already decided what I’m going to do.”
“Can’t you see you’re so unfair?”
“I need to get out of here!” I say stressed out “You can say that I’m running away from my problems but I’m fucking tired of everything! I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight, I have headaches! I feel like I wake up hangover every day! I really mean it when I say that I need this break! Even if it’s for a few months, maybe I will stay there for college, who knows? I would be with you, but it doesn’t work out while I’m here, why would you think it would work out over there? I need this break because of Blue, but I need it mostly because of you” I say truthfully, cutting the bullshit already “I WANT to get away from YOU…”
“Well… Very well” I could tell she’s heartbroken. “I see it’s for the best. I just… I won’t be here waiting for you, Red.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
This said, and I leave the room to find Fred outside waiting, I get close to him and tell him we should leave for a little while, until Blue comes home.
I know that I was cruel with Alice, but if we continued like this and didn’t have this conversation we will be dependant of each other, we will be stuck in this situation forever! I just have to talk to mom now and break the news to Blue. Shit, my life was sooooooooo easy before this…
“Where to?” Fred asks me.
“Let’s go eat something sweet, like the cupcake store. I really need it.” I link arms with him letting my head rest in his shoulder. “I’m so exhausted”
“I know, Reddie.”
“If I wasn’t in love with Alice already, I would fall for you…”
“I know, Reddie…” He says grinning.
I’m glad I have friends like him.