the struggle
Taking slow and even paces I got to my door in a rather short time. Oh who am I kidding? It took nearly an hour to reach the damned door.
Reaching into my pocket for the keys to my apartment was a real bitch. Moving my arm at all stretched the open gash on my back, blood making it way down my back before ending at the waistline of my pants. Jamming the keys into the lock and opening the door was a relief.
Kicking the door closed behind me, I drop the keys on the floor and head directly for the shower. Not only do I look and feel like shit, but I'm sure I smell like it too. Why exactly am I in this slayer gig? It’s definitely not for its “high salary and great benefits.” Stalking into the bathroom, I stare at my grimy reflection in the mirror over the sink. I look like something even a flesh-eating demon wouldn't want to drag home.
My formerly pristine red tank top and black leather pants are now destroyed covered in a combination of demon goo and blood. There are stray cuts and gashes throughout my body that cut deep into skin and, in some places, into the muscle. My hair looks bedraggled and limp - being covered in unidentifiable guts and sewer remnants can do that to a person.
Reaching up with my good arm, I go ahead and tear my shirt off: it’s too ruined to try and salvage anyways. Then I unbutton my former tight pair of leather pants, sighing at the horror as the pants slide right off. Leather isn't supposed to do that. It’s supposed to be a fight to get them on and off... but they sure are worth how well they make your my ass look. Deeply depressed, I take off my underwear and bra and let them drop limply to the floor and step into the shower.
Turning the shower on as hot as I can stand it, I savor the feeling of the water blasting away the thick layer of slime and the cleansing feel of it over my grimy body and the various cuts and scrapes I had accumulated. I run the soap over as much as my body as I can reach (which isn't saying much) but I'm sure the scalding water covers whatever I can't get. Dropping the soap onto the tub edge, I pick up the shampoo and squeeze a liberal amount onto the top of my head. Massaging the fresh smelling stuff though all the locks and down to the scalp is calming enough to make me forget most of the night’s issues. Shutting off the water just before the hot water runs out, I grab the big fluffy towel from the back of the toilet and dry myself off. Then I slowly walk down the short hall to my bedroom. Pulling some clothes off a chair in the corner, I dress myself. Underwear, stretchy black pants, and a sports bra are all I can manage before I recognize the
sounds of someone knocking at my door.
“Hold your damn horses already!” My former mellow mood is gone out the window as the persistent ruckus at my door continues. “I'm coming already.” I sigh at that sad statement. “Well not the way I prefer...” I murmur under my breath before yanking the door open. I'm shocked at the sight before me- Buffy's kid sister, Dawn.
“Hi...” is her slightly timid greeting.
“What are you doing here, D?” I demand, my patience slipping into the long forgotten realm of never-never land. She steps inside and closes the door, not seeming to care if I really want her here or not. “Sisterly squabble with Little Miss Perfect?" I ask, watching the emotions cross her face.
“I just needed a place to run too.” she says, a challenge in her eyes as she stares at me, almost daring me to laugh at her or something.
“Well, come on in, but no griping about my decor or I'll kick you right out on your butt. You're here of your own free will.” I state right off the bat. I'm so sick and tired of everyone that comes in always complaining about my place - its such a dump; can't you clean up after yourself? - blah blah blah. “Make yourself at home.” I turn back to finish dressing when I heard her gasp.
“Faith! What happened to your back?” I turned back to see the look on her face. The rather horrified look was kind of worth it.
“Would you believe me if I said I’ve had a really crappy day?” My sardonic reply doesn’t faze her in the least. In fact, the look on her face prompts me to continue my semi-rant. “I was slow this morning at practice.” I see her cringe. She knows how ruthless her sister can be. Though, slow isn’t the way I’d describe myself if I was being truthful, really. I was distracted with thoughts about Dawn, and how I could avoid her more. “Just the perks of the job,” I grumble out loud, hoping she’ll believe my lie and not probe further. A sudden and somewhat important thought pops up in my head. “Does your sister know you're here, or are you trying to get me killed?”
Ignoring my last question, she launches lecture mode. “You should take better care of yourself; you know, just because you heal fast doesn't mean you should neglect your own health." A somewhat abashed look flits across her face, hinting at the answer to my earlier question. In a quieter voice than before, she says, “You should probably let Buffy know I'm here and safe.”
"Some how I doubt your sister would ever use my name and safe in the same sentence.” Sighing at the turn of events, I spin and look for my cell phone. Finding the stupid thing under a pile of dirty clothes on the Lazy Boy chair that sits in front of my small and well-worn TV set, I flip it open and dial one of the numbers in my contact list. My foot bounces with impatient energy, waiting for someone to pick up. I watch Dawn as she moves around my living room, looking things over, before someone picks up on the other end.
I started talking as soon as I heard someone pick up the phone, I didn’t want to get railroaded by Willow. “Hey, Red.” I sigh in annoyance when Willow bursts in full blown babble. “Yeah, I know-” I smirk, at the moment of silence, since I already knew the ‘emergency’ for once. I didn’t give her the chance to continue babbling, and hurried up to end the conversation. “She's not missing. Tell B that she's here at my place. I'll drop her off in the morning. Bye… yeah, I know… I gotta go. Bye!” Flipping the phone shut on the still yammering red head, I say, “Talk about cruel and unusual punishment...” I study Dawn for a minute, watching her eyes rove over my stuff, seemingly searching for something. “What, D?”
She looks up from her search looking somewhat guilty. “Just checking for something to clean those with,” she murmurs, motioning to the large gash on my back.
“Oh, um... there should be something in my room. Maybe” Somewhere under a pile of dirty clothes and empty bottles, that is.
Amusingly enough, I watch the now determined mind-set settle firmly over Dawns features. I have to sigh in annoyance at the idea of becoming someone's pet project, let alone Dawn's. Tossing the phone back on the chair and its pile of clothes, I lead her back to my room and fall face-down on the mattress, giving her access to the main gash on my back. Lifting my head just off the mattress, I point to the left side of my bed and murmur just loud enough for Dawn to hear. “There should be a roll of gauze and some antiseptic cream somewhere near here.” With that, I let my head flop back down on the bed again.
I listen to her dig around next to my bed, growling in frustration and muttering something about needing to learn how to wash clothes. I grin at that, making sure she doesn't notice. After a few minutes of rustling, I feel the bed shift. Cold hands move the strap of my sports bra out of the way to get a better look at the deep gash. There is a moment of contemplation before a deep sigh then Dawn moves closer to get better access. Another growl of frustration fills the air before I feel the bed move again, and then a weight settles over my lower back and ass. “Enjoying yourself, there, D?” I question, covering my growing frustration with amusement. “I had no clue you wanted a ride; you should have said something before.” Turning my head to the side, I catch a glimpse of her burning, red blush before Dawn glares at me and reaches for a bottle beside her.
I watch her open the bottle for a minute; though, keeping my neck twisted like that hurts. It takes a minute before I figure out which bottle she’s holding. A minute too late. She pours the contents out over the gash. In a second, all the nerves in my body are burning; I can't tell if it feels like they've been frozen in the coldest realms of the world or dipped in a burning river of lava. “What the fuck are you trying to do to me?” I glare at Dawn, and if looks could kill, she'd be a smoldering pile of ash on the ground by now.
“Stop being such a wimp; I'm just cleaning the wound so it doesn't get infected.” I really hate it when people get all motherly with me; it drives me nuts! My mom wasn't anywhere near the best, but I still know how to take care of myself. It’s not like I ever get sick, or that my wounds ever get infected, thanks to the slayer healing. Though I guess in some ways its nice to know that someone cares, even if she is a couple of years younger than me and Buffy’s little sister. Not to mention someone I’ve tried desperately hard not to be alone with.
“WIMP? Wimp? I'll get you for that squirt....” Flipping over, I pinned Dawn to the bed below me. Grinning evilly I attack her sides, viciously tickling her till she was blue from laughing so hard. Satisfied, I grin down at her, and stop the tickle-attack. “That’ll teach you, D.”
I can’t breathe all of the sudden. I stare down at her, thinking about how much I wish Dawn was mine. She looks so fucking amazing while panting to get her breath back. My stomach twists at the thought of being with her, at how beautiful it would be, at how breath taking it would be to see her gasping my name underneath me... sweating… screaming. And at how absolutely gruesome and painful my death would be if Buffy ever found out. I almost laugh out loud at the imagined look on her face, the absolute shock to know that her little “baby” sister isn’t innocent anymore. My amusement is short lived when I think about Buffy, my gut twinges in remembered pain, there’s no way she’d let me live this time. I slid off of Dawn before the situation became really awkward. turning my back to her, I smirk and ask, “You gonna finish what you started, D?”
I watched over my shoulder as she swallowed nervously before turning around again. Dawn could make of the situation what she wanted. Really, I’d like to fuck her senseless right now, but I also want to live after tonight. Letting her decided is the smarter decision, no matter how much it makes my body burn.
There was moment of stillness before I felt Dawn start to settle over me again. Warm hands carefully explore the area near the wound, searching for any signs of infection or bruising. I hear her slowly unscrew the cap of the antiseptic before squeezing some out and rubbing it lightly over the sluggishly bleeding gash. The silence between us isn't as nerve racking as I thought it would be; though, I wish she'd say something even if I wasn't all that sure I wanted her to say anything.
I'm startled out of my thoughts by the sudden cold air being blown on the drying antiseptic cream; it shoots a blazing trail of magma through my body right to the core. I’m glad that Dawn can’t see my eyes right now; I feel them flash a copper-orange, and I’m not sure what she would do. Living with a slayer in the house she knows what it would mean, that the slayer inside was near the surface... that a hunt was about to begin... or that a storm of unbridled passion was about to be released.
I can’t help the moan that slips out. She stills for a moment before reaching down and picking up a bandage. I listen as she tears open the sterile package, carefully placing on my back and pressing lightly over the tape. Once it is in place, her fingers brush across the well-defined (if I do say so myself) muscles. The touch is more curious probing rather than serious searching, and her fingers moved in soft, nonsensical patterns. The air between us is silent, but not uncomfortably so; we quietly revel in the sensation of soft finger stokes over skin. I feel her lean in close, leaving a trail of semi-innocent kisses near my neck. Her movements still again, and a sigh blows between us before she slides off my back and settles on her side next to me.
I watch as she places her head over my arm when I turn onto to my back. “What are you doing here, D?” Uncertainly flits across her face, and her mouth opens to say something but closes again when nothing seems to leave it. “It’s because of a fight, I assume, but about what or whom?” I watch her think it over for some time before she makes up her mind.
“She just doesn’t like the decisions I make Buffy’s always afraid I’m going to do the wrong thing. She wants to control my life and make sure I stay ‘innocent and untainted’. She doesn’t know what its like to always be left behind on patrol, to be told to ‘stay put and stay out of trouble.’ I’m older than she was when she first became a slayer! I’m not a child anymore, and she’s not my mom!” I can tell that wasn’t the whole of it. There’s something else going on but I’m not going to push her. Frankly, I don’t care; she can tell me if she wants to, but if she doesn’t, it won’t bother me any, either. There’s a deep sigh from her before she continues, “I just wish she’d mellow out sometimes.”
I shrug as much as possible without stretching the scabbing wound. “That's all fine and dandy. What I really wanna know, though, is why me? Why come to me, to the one that's not to be trusted? I don't get it.” I watch how she looks slightly uncomfortable at my question. “I mean, I know I am the hottest thing in this town; who wouldn't want to be with me?” I grin, as Dawn turns a dark red, at the innuendo in my words. “But why here? Why me?”
It’s funny, watching her floundering for an answer. I'm a bitch, I know, but it was pretty funny. She couldn't look me in the eyes and spends a few minutes staring at the wall behind my head. I can almost hear the little hamster wheel spinning away, and the serious thinking-look on her face and that tiny frown is kind of cute. “I don't know why, really. You were the first person I thought of, and besides... Xander is busy with Anya, and Willow always sides with Buffy when she's not busy with... everything.”
I don’t know if she realizes it or not. While she’s ranting, her hands have been drifting again... Originally, her hand sat on my waist for a short while; though, I don’t think anything of it till her fingers start moving. They slip under the edge of my shirt and tease the tight muscles of my stomach. I shift awkwardly, trying not to notice what her small and simple actions have done to my body and my semi-raging libido. God, if only... if only I could claim her right now, right here, mark her, mark her as mine. I take a deep breath and try and shake off my libido and the rising thoughts of my Slayer. The slayer wanted me to lay her bare and take her – body and soul. I wanted to sink my teeth in to her and leave some visible proof of “mine” – of “mate” the thought pleased my slayer, even though it disturbed me to some level. What if we did get together and Dawn changed her mind. I doubted that the Slayer would take that as a suitable reason, to let go of our mate. That possessive thought, turned my stomach. I didn’t want to claim her like some thing, she had the right to refuse me, and I wouldn’t let my Slayer make the decisions for me, no matter what. I sigh as the Slayer backs off sensing my queasy thoughts; Dawn will always have a place to run to. My door will always be open to her; there's no way I could turn her away.
I watch her green eyes; watch as they study something behind me near the foot of the bed. I watch as her eyes slowly rise, scrutinizing me, the irises a smoky gray-green. They stop for some time at my waist, near my stomach where her hand is. She starts stroking my skin below my chest. I watch as her eyes darken even further and I’m slowly growing warm due to the attention. My lust spikes even higher as Dawn her bites her lower lip in an attempt to stop herself from saying something. Slowly, her eyes finally connect with mine, and I find myself trapped. Her eyes are so deep. I can’t help but feel as if I am swimming in those depthless pools of gorgeous green gems. Her eyes are alive with the emotions that seem almost touchable. They are soft, but also a battering ram to the barriers I‘ve had to build over time. I’ve fallen so far into those depths that I never notice how we are inching toward each other. All I know is that our lips brush together
lightly once, before our bodies clash together.
Our lips devour each other, rampant passion and raw body-consuming heat all packed into one powerful, mind-numbing kiss. We separate for a few seconds, enough to steal some desperately needed air before colliding again. I feel her moving beside me. She bites and worries at my lip as she slides her hips atop mine.
I can’t stop my hips from grinding into hers. My hands are at her waist, pressing her into me. She gasps into the kiss as we make contact. It is that very gasp that brings me crashing down to Earth. I groan at myself, at my small, nearly nonexistent control and my not wanting to rush Dawn into anything. I sigh into the cool air of my apartment and pull away. I watch her dark eyes and the creases on her face. We can’t do this now. No matter how much I… we wanted too I lean forward and press my lips to hers in a silent assurance that I didn’t regret our actions and then slowly remove her hands from under my shirt. I kiss her earlobe and turn her onto her side and press up against her back. “You need to sleep.” I murmur in her ear, my voice soft and smoky.
Dawn sighs out loud. As if sensing my determination in keeping her well being high on my list, she press further into my body, absorbing our shared warmth. She lies still for some time, and her breathing is regular and slow. I know she isn’t asleep yet. Finally, she turns around, and rubs her nose on the skin of my neck and breathed deeply.
The exhale of warm air on my neck, made me shiver in the cold air.
“I want you.” She whispers against my skin.
All the air in my lungs rushes out at that one simple sentence. I can't breathe. Hearing her statement makes me want to do something. Something crazy. I run my hand over her face gently, slowing as my fingers brush over her lips, “I know. Now's not the time, though. We'll talk about it in the morning, D. Sleep for now, and I'll wake you for tomorrow.” I pull my hand back and rest it on her back.
Nodding, Dawn wraps her arm around my middle and dozes off in a few minutes. I stay awake watching her peacefully sleeping form, and I don’t fall asleep till early in the morning.