A Crisis Of Faith
As they sailed towards unknown waters, the crew settled into a basic routine, each Knight and crew-member carrying out their specific tasks on the ship. It was never hard to motivate any of them, since they were all grateful for their floating home on the ocean, and everything generally ran smoothly.
There was, however, sometimes a sense of sadness and desperation caused both by the troubled pasts of many of the crew and the length of time of which some of them had been aboard. Every now and then, there would seem to be a general malaise among the crew; a feeling of depression that filled the air. Hopelessness found its voice in the way of rumors that Sanctuary didn’t really exist, and those rumors would spread through the decks.
“It’s a shame,” Pandora said, looking over the side of the ship. She stood next to Luna, who was watching the stars, “Sometimes, everybody seems so desolate and lost.”
“Even Arietta and Elisha have been muted since we stopped at Haven’s End,” Luna agreed, “I thought they would be happy, after all, Arietta was knighted and Elisha was promoted.”
“I don’t think they’re dissatisfied with life on the ship or anything,” Pandora said, “I think they’re just troubled. Arietta parted ways with Selesti less than a week ago, in a city which may well fall to the Moral Revolution. She has reason to be sad.”
“I suppose that’s true,” Luna said, “It’s just a shame. When Arietta smiles, I feel better just seeing it. It’s a reassuring feeling when I feel homesick, or when I feel down.”
“I agree,” Pandora said, “I wish we could do something to cheer everybody up. After all, we’re going into undiscovered country. This is just the beginning of a new adventure, but nobody seems to feel that way.”
“Perhaps we should organize an event,” Luna said, “Something to take people’s minds off their depression. Lady Thea said we won’t see much out here for a few weeks, so it would break up the boredom.”
“What about a cook-off?” said Pandora, “Everybody likes cooking, right?”
“A cooking competition?” said Luna, “Ah, Chosen of the Fire God, you are brilliant!”
Pandora sighed, “I wish you’d stop calling me that. I’m not a believer in the Seven Gods, and even if I was, I’m not special! I just wanted to be treated like a normal human being. Just once... not to be despised or revered by anybody.”
“I’m sorry,” Luna said, “I just can’t get over the fact that you can use magic. It’s just so incredible.”
“It doesn’t feel incredible to me,” Pandora shrugged, “It’s just something that’s always been natural to me.”
“Anyway,” Luna said, changing the subject, “I think a cook-off is a great idea.”
“Then we should go and ask Lady Thea about it,” Pandora said.
~
Lady Thea sat at her desk in her office, pouring over maps and ancient texts. She was tired, and yet she couldn’t rest until she had decided where to explore next.
“I know you’d tell me to just go with it, Maia,” she said to herself, “but I hate having no plans in mind, no end. It just seems aimless. I’m scared of going over the same old ground again, costing everybody valuable time and energy... I’m afraid...” She rested her head on her arms.
“Maia, if I take too long, will everybody desert me?” she asked the walls, and the walls were silent.
There was a knock at her door, and she pulled herself from her reverie, masking the emotions that were all too plain to see on her face, “Come in,” she said clearly, with a confidence she did not feel.
Pandora and Luna entered, barely able to contain their smiles.
“What is it, Ensigns?” She was curious why they were smiling when the rest of the crew were so downhearted, but she was too exhausted to really investigate that thought.
“We want to hold a cook-off on the ship,” Luna said, “May we use the kitchens?”
“What do you mean?” Lady Thea asked.
“A cooking competition, Lady Thea,” Pandora said, “We thought if we held an event, it might cheer everybody up. Everybody likes cooking, right?”
Looking at the vitality of the two young Knights standing before her, Thea was filled with a moment of hope. She managed a tired smile.
“Sounds good to me,” she said, “But you need to arrange it with the cooks, and see that you don’t get in anybody’s way. You will have to organize everything and tell people about it yourselves. Is that understood?”
“Thank you, Lady Thea!” Pandora said, and they hurried out of the room, preparations to make.
~
Arietta turned over in her bed. It wasn’t that she was tired, she just felt tired, like a great weight had descended upon her and was making living itself tiring.
She supposed it hadn’t been easy for herself to hear another tragic story; had they all suffered so much? Would there ever be a world in which they could live without that suffering? She wanted Sanctuary very much, but even if they found it, she knew their problems would not just magically disappear. They had all been scarred by their experiences, and while some were stronger for it, like Pandora, some still carried that weight with them, like Elisha.
Arietta didn’t know why hearing Elisha’s story had drained her so much, but it had. She had felt Elisha’s pain as she had confessed her tale, and she felt it now, the pain of somebody she cared for suffering. She could not tell anybody of her new burden, and hated to even admit to herself it was a burden, because she had wanted to hear Elisha’s tale. She had wanted to take some of the pain away from somebody she cared so much about, but nonetheless, she felt sorrow and darkness that had not been there before.
It wasn’t a new feeling, though, only an extension of a feeling that had began when Selesti had opened her heart and told Arietta the truth of what had been done to her. It was as though something vital to her had been damaged, and she supposed it had; her faith in the human race was waning. She had always held true to the thought that people were, on the whole, good and noble, yet faced with such unspeakable horrors as she had encountered both herself and in the pasts of others, she felt that notion slipping away.
There was a knock on the door, and she wanted to tell whoever it was to go away, to leave her be for a while. She rolled over, but the knock came again, followed by excited voices. Arietta sat herself up and made herself presentable, then wearily said, “Come in.”
Pandora and Luna burst through the door, tripping over one another to see Arietta. She chuckled at the comical pair before her, “What’re you two doing now?” she asked.
“We’re having a cooking competition!” Luna said, “Everybody is invited to the kitchens tomorrow to make their best dish! Then we will have our judges try every dish and determine who wins!”
“I can’t cook,” Arietta confessed, “I’m really hopeless!”
“That’s not true!” Pandora said, “Anybody can cook. I’m sure there’s something you could cook. It’ll be fun just to see what everybody comes up with.”
“It’s got to be better than sitting here in your room,” Luna said, “Come on! It’ll be fun.”
“All right then, sign me up,” Arietta said, “But I’m warning you now, it’ll be ugly!” She felt herself smiling at the memory of her past cooking experiences.
As they left, she couldn’t help but feel a little lighter. Perhaps, she realized, she just needed something to take her mind off her troubles.
~
“Elisha!” Pandora and Luna cried, as they spotted the brown-haired woman carrying a mop and bucket to the lower decks.
“What’s the matter?” Elisha asked, calmly putting down the bucket and guarding it against their whirlwind energy, “Calm down a little, Ensigns!”
“Sorry,” Luna said, “We just wanted to know if you wanted to take part in our cooking contest!”
“Cooking...?” Elisha said, “But why? Is somebody important coming aboard?”
“No,” Pandora said, “We just thought everybody could use a little cheering up. So far we have ten Knights signed up!”
“I suppose,” Elisha said, “When is it?”
“Tomorrow, come to the kitchens with your favorite recipe. You can use the ship’s supplies, we have permission from Lady Thea. Everybody will cook, and then our judges will decide a winner!” Pandora explained.
“Count me in, then,” Elisha said, relaxing. She let her guard down on the bucket, and as Pandora and Luna ran off, filled with joyful energy, Pandora knocked the bucket of water all over the floor without even noticing. Before Elisha could even call after them, they were gone. Sighing, she grabbed the mop and started to clean up the mess.
“Need some help?” Arietta asked, emerging from her room.
“Ah, those girls...” Elisha sighed, “I suppose they’re only doing it for our good, we’ve not exactly been a bundle of laughs since we went out to sea, have we?”
“Elisha...” Arietta said, “I’ve decided the name of my sword.”
“Oh?” Elisha said, perking up, “What is it?”
“Faith,” she said, “Not in gods, or any higher power. Faith in people. It’s something that waxes and wanes within me, but it’s something I need to remember is important to never give up on. Without having faith that there’s good people out there, the names on my sword are worthless. When I take up my sword for Garania, or San Ria, it’s to help the people who are trapped in a Moral Revolution they did not ask for, the good people who want to extend open arms to all people, but are prevented from doing so by the oppressive nature of their governments.”
“I like it,” Elisha said, “It’s a beautiful idea, from an equally beautiful person...”
Arietta blushed, “Elisha, I wish I were beautiful. There are times when I fear I fall far short of my ideals.”
“What’s wrong, Arietta?” Elisha asked, her violet eyes searching Arietta’s soul for signs of pain.
“It’s nothing,” Arietta said, “It’s just... There’s so much pain in the world. Everybody’s suffered so much. Even if we find Sanctuary, will we be able to build a nation without being crushed, either by our own pains and fears or by outside pressure?”
“I don’t know,” Elisha said, “Truly, I have no idea if we can succeed. My hope lies with Lady Thea and her dream. But even if we never find Sanctuary, is it so bad to live here on the ship? We seem to be surviving so far, and we have freedoms here that we never had in our homelands.”
“Sometimes...” Arietta said, “I miss my homeland. I like it here, on the White Ship, but I miss the great mixture of people who lived in Garania. I miss the collision of so many different cultures and ideas. I didn’t mind debating with people who didn’t agree with how I lived my life, so long as they weren’t trying to kill me. Now, here, everybody agrees with me. It’s almost unsettling. Sometimes I worry that we’re missing out on so many things we could be learning. That the world’s going by without us.”
“The world itself is closing up to new ideas, that’s the whole problem. The suppression of ideas under the Moral Revolution has destroyed the world you loved. Garania isn’t the place you knew and loved. San Ria is gone as well. The world isn’t moving forward, it’s moving into an era of stagnation.” Elisha said.
“I just think that... as well as looking forward to finding Sanctuary... we should also be enjoying the journey,” Arietta said, “Stopping in new lands, meeting new people...”
“We will, Arietta,” Elisha said, “Beyond the boundaries of the explored oceans, there are all kinds of places. Of course we’re desperate to look for Sanctuary, and our main goal will be to search for it. But that searching will involve stopping and asking questions as well. Don’t be so hasty to judge what our journey is like... You haven’t been on the ship that long.”
“I’m sorry,” Arietta said, “I suppose I just get impatient, that’s all. I don’t really like to be stuck at sea, without any real clue of our destination.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Elisha said, “I felt the same way after a few months aboard, once the wonder had worn off. Once our journey truly gets underway, you’ll love it.”
“So, do you have any ideas for the cooking competition?” Arietta asked.
“I have this one dish my mother used to cook,” Elisha said, “If I can remember how to make it, I might cook that. What do you have in mind?”
“I don’t know...” Arietta said, “I really can’t cook.”
“You’ll think of something.” Elisha said, “Anybody can cook. I’m sure you’ll manage.”
“That’s what everybody keeps saying...” Arietta mused.
~
The next day arrived, and Arietta went down to the ship’s kitchens to find everybody busily cooking away. She uncertainly gathered some ingredients and found a corner to start preparing her food.
“Everybody looks happy,” Luna said, “It was a good idea, Pandora. Even Lady Thea is cooking!”
“I didn’t know she could cook!” Pandora said, hardly believing her eyes, “It’s good to see everybody enjoying themselves, though. Everybody looks so much brighter.”
“So, what are you cooking?” Luna said.
“I’m not telling you,” Pandora said, “It’s a secret.”
“Then I won’t tell you what I’m making, either!” Luna said, and they laughed together, the sound ringing out amongst the crashing of pots and pans.
“That smells delightful,” Thea said to Sashiko, as she looked over at Sashiko’s cooking area, “A secret recipe from the Far East?”
“Indeed, Lady Thea,” Sashiko said, “I think you will like it. What are you making?”
“A dish from the Nameless Islands,” she replied, smiling.
Sashiko laughed, “I like the taste of thin air. It’s kind of salty.”
“Very funny,” Thea said, as she continued baking.
Elisha looked over to Arietta, but she was huddled in the corner, chopping vegetables. She wondered if she should go and help Arietta, but didn’t want to injure her pride by interfering, so she left the younger woman to herself and continued cooking her mother’s dish.
Luna danced around happily, “Look, I finished my dish first!” she laughed, spinning around. She tripped over a wooden crate and her meal went flying from her hands, landing all over the floor.
She started to cry. Pandora went over to her and knelt down beside her, taking the pink-haired girl in her arms, “Hey, don’t cry about it,” she said, “It was only supposed to be fun. I don’t want you to cry because of it, or I’ll wish I’d never thought of the idea.”
“I just wanted you... to enjoy some of my cooking...” Luna sniffled, “I wanted to make it up to you... for always saying you’re the Fire God’s Chosen One.”
“It’s okay,” Pandora said, “I don’t mind what you believe, Luna. Just as long as you see me as a person as well. That’s all I was saying.” She held Luna tightly, “Oh, Luna,” she said, “I never meant to make you sad...”
Then Luna’s lips were on hers, a quick, chaste kiss that was over far too soon for Pandora’s liking, “You never make me sad,” Luna said, “I’ve never been happier since I met you.”
When they stood up, thirty pairs of eyes were watching them with an “aww” look, and they both blushed the color of beetroot, still clinging to one another, pasta hanging from Luna’s hair.
~
The day went by quickly, and the sun was setting as they brought their completed dishes up on deck, one by one, and placed them on a table.
“So, how does the judging work?” Lady Thea asked Pandora.
“We will all taste each dish, and write down a score from one to ten, one being awful, ten being great. Then you will hand the slips to Luna, who will calculate the score for each dish and write it down. The dish with the highest score wins!” Pandora explained.
“What will the prize be?” Lady Thea asked, “You did think of a prize, right?”
Pandora looked at Luna, who looked at Pandora, “Oops,” they said together, “I knew we forgot something,” Pandora said, “I suppose it’s just for fun, then.”
They each went down the line, tasting the dishes and handing their slips to Luna with positive smiles on their faces, until they reached Arietta’s dish. It looked visually unappealing, and smelled just as bad, but nobody wanted to upset Arietta.
Elisha stepped forward and took the first bite as Arietta eagerly looked on. She chewed it, trying to filter out the awful taste of mixed, overcooked vegetables from her mind as another wave of awful, overcooked meat taste entered her mouth. She looked up at Arietta, as though wanting to seek permission to spit out the nasty-tasting dish, but seeing Arietta’s sweetly excited smile, her resolve melted and she forced herself to swallow.
“It’s good,” she managed, “Very... distinctive flavor.” Arietta burst into a smile, and Elisha wanted to hide. She hid her piece of paper from Arietta as she guiltily wrote a “1” on it, justifying to herself that she was voting for the dish, not the person. She handed Luna her slip and turned to watch the others politely trying not to vomit as they quickly wrote on their paper. They handed the slips to Luna and quickly moved onto the next dish, Lady Thea’s creation. They gulped it down greedily.
“Wow, I didn’t know you could cook like this!” Elisha said, “Lady Thea, you are full of surprises.”
“Indeed,” Sashiko said, “You’re talented at everything, Lady Thea.”
“Maia taught me how to cook,” Thea said, “She said it wouldn’t hurt me to learn to take care of myself outside of the battlefield as well as in it.” She smiled, fondly remembering her wife, “She was an excellent cook.”
“Truly,” one of the few male Knights, a young, blond-haired man called Adam, said, “This is some of the best cooking I’ve tasted all day.” Murmurs of assent rose up through the crowd.
“It’s a hard choice,” Pandora said, “I loved your dish as well, Elisha.”
“I didn’t get it quite right,” Elisha said, “I always wish I’d asked my mother her recipe...” Arietta gave her a meaningful, comforting look.
After they had all voted, Luna stood up. “Fifteen Knights participated, giving each dish a maximum score of one-hundred and fifty. In first place is Lady Thea’s ‘Nameless Dish From The Nameless Islands,’ with one hundred and thirty points!”
Everybody clapped, and Lady Thea smiled, “That doesn’t mean I’m going to be on cooking duty any time soon!” she reminded them, and a moan of disappointment made its way through the crowd.
“Coming in second with one hundred and twenty-six points is Elisha’s ‘My Mother’s Favorite Dish’!” Everybody clapped, and Arietta squeezed Elisha’s hand.
“Third place is a tie!” Luna announced, “between Sashiko’s ‘Far East Sushi’ and Pandora’s ‘Magically Roasted Vegetables’!” Everybody clapped again.
“Well, that’s all for the cooking contest! Congratulations to our winners!” Luna said.
“Wait...” Arietta said, “Luna, where did mine come?”
“Uhh... Arietta, your ‘Vegetable Thingiemajiggy’ came in last with uh, 16 points.” Luna muttered.
Somebody actually gave it 2 points?, was all Elisha thought guiltily as Arietta’s crestfallen face appeared before her.
“I told you I couldn’t cook!” Arietta said, regaining her smile, “It’s a good job we don’t have to cook our way to Sanctuary then, right?”
Everybody laughed as the last of the sun faded over the horizon and the meeting broke up, the crew taking away the empty plates and packing away the table. Arietta excused herself quickly and went to her room.
“I felt mean, telling Arietta her score,” Luna said, “I didn’t want to upset her, it’s not what this was supposed to be about.”
“She did tell us she couldn’t cook,” Pandora said, “I’m sure she’ll be okay. It was only supposed to be in the spirit of fun. I’m sure she understands that.”
~
Arietta waited until she was in the private space of her cabin to cry. She didn’t know why it bothered her so much, they had only been trying to cheer everybody up, but she hated failing at anything. She rolled onto her bed and let the tears fall freely. Did they like her so little that they’d only thought her dish was worth a lousy one point? She knew she shouldn’t feel sorry for herself but she did. She felt as if she had been rejected by all the people she considered her friends.
There was a knock at the door, and she didn’t answer.
“Arietta,” came Elisha’s voice, “Please, let me in.” She tried the door and it swung open. She entered and walked over to Arietta’s crying form on the bed. She sat gently on the edge of the bed and stroked Arietta’s long hair tenderly as she cried into the pillow.
“That rating had nothing to do with you as a person,” Elisha said, “Please don’t take it personally. Everybody here loves you.”
“I don’t know,” Arietta said, “I can’t even explain why I’m crying. I just feel so defeated, so rejected. Everybody else is happy and celebrating and I just feel rejected. I knew when I entered that I couldn’t cook, but I did it anyway, because I just wanted to be a part of something.”
“You are a part of something,” Elisha said, letting her hand stroke Arietta’s face and catch her tears, “You’re a part of this crew, one who we would all miss if you weren’t here. It doesn’t matter if you can’t cook. Luna lost her dish, so technically she scored nothing, but she still enjoyed taking part.”
“I suppose,” Arietta said, “I just feel sometimes that I don’t really belong here. That everything would be the same for all of you if I’d never come aboard this ship.”
“That’s not true,” Elisha said, “I would be much worse off for having never met you. I never would have shared my secrets, or had somebody to talk to like this... Arietta, your smile lights up my whole day. More than anything, Pandora and Luna were trying to make you smile because they, too, love to see you happy. What’s wrong, Arietta? Did we do something to make you feel out of place? Please tell me.”
“I wanted to ask for help,” Arietta said, “But I didn’t feel there was anybody I could ask. Right then, in that moment, I felt so alone.”
“I wanted to help you,” Elisha said, “I thought it might injure your pride if I came over and started interfering in your project. But I’m always here for you. All you have to do is ask and I’ll do anything to help you, Arietta.” She helped Arietta sit up against the back of the bed and grasped her hands gently, “But you have to tell me! I don’t automatically know what you’re feeling, or when you need help. Don’t keep all your pains and fears to yourself.”
“I feel like I’ve lost something,” Arietta said, “Something vital to my survival, something that powers my will.”
“Your faith in the human race,” Elisha said, “Was it my life story? I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel this way.”
“It wasn’t just that...” Arietta said, “Selesti... she...”
“What happened with her?” Elisha asked, “She never did tell anybody why she left so suddenly.”
“She was experimented on... in Garania,” Arietta said, sobbing, “They changed her, so she desired sex constantly. That’s why she slept with every serving girl on the ship. There was nothing I could do for her, and we both understood there was no way we could continue our relationship like that. So... she left.”
“I see,” Elisha said, understanding, “Then I went and dropped all my burdens on you, thinking you were as free as the wind, invincible and carefree. I’m so sorry, Arietta.”
“Everybody on this ship has suffered so much,” Arietta said, “If I had the power, I would go back and erase everybody’s misery! No matter what the cost...”
“Then we would never have met,” Elisha said, “We wouldn’t have this life’s purpose that we’ve taken on, finding Sanctuary. The fact is... pain is part of life’s experience. A lot of us would love to go back and erase the past, but would it really be for the greater good? We’ve all learned things from the past, which we can use to improve the future. When we find Sanctuary, we’ll use the knowledge we’ve gained to build a good and just government.”
“Tell that to Selesti!” Arietta said, “In San Ria, I snuck off to find Selesti. I saw her, working in a whorehouse! She used to be so proud and noble, such a vibrant spirit. Now she’s reduced to a mere shadow of her former self. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to her, because I knew she would feel pain having me see her like that. It’s why she left, so I wouldn’t have to witness the depths to which she would sink. Tell me, how will that pain make her stronger?”
“I don’t know,” Elisha said, “Truly, if I had the answers, Arietta, I would give them to you. I would give you back your faith in the human spirit, I would take your pain onto myself if I could. All I have is my deep love for you, Arietta. All I have is my heart, which loves the person you are, and longs for your happiness.” She took Arietta into her arms, holding her tightly.
“I love you, Arietta,” Elisha confessed, “I’ve loved you from the moment I met you. I hated the way that Selesti hurt you. I hate the fact that I was weak and let my burdens out on you. I don’t want you to suffer because of me. I’d do anything to prevent that.”
Arietta felt her heart stir as Elisha confessed her feelings of love. She nestled into Elisha’s warm breasts, feeling comfort and warmth all around her as Elisha stroked her back and soothed her aching spirit.
“I wish...” Arietta said, “I wish I could be as strong as Pandora. I wish I had the strength to move beyond this pain and continue.”
“Not everybody has that kind of strength alone,” Elisha said, “That’s why we have love. That’s why we have each other. So we don’t have to face this painful world alone.”
Arietta pulled back, and looked into Elisha’s eyes. They were filled with warm emotion, and tears were forming in her eyes.
Always follow your heart, she thought to herself. Go where it takes you. She let her hand stroke Elisha’s face, feeling the warmth of her skin. She saw Elisha’s smile, so beautiful to her, because it was for her. She let herself move forward and claim that mouth for her own, gently kissing Elisha. Elisha returned the kiss, pulling Arietta closer as they continued to kiss, tears flowing freely down both of their faces as they ceased to hold anything back. They pulled apart slowly, reluctantly, and Arietta smiled, feeling warmth in her heart once again, the white-hot fire burning where nothingness had been just recently.
Just then, there was an insistent knocking on the door and Pandora and Luna burst in.
“Oops,” Luna said, seeing Arietta and Elisha entangled in each other’s arms.
“Come on Luna, we should go,” Pandora said, grabbing Luna’s arm.
“Ensigns, you should obtain permission before entering anybody’s room!” Elisha said, in her best businesslike voice. Arietta began to laugh, noting to remind Elisha later that she had also not received permission to enter.
“I’m sorry,” Pandora said, “We just wanted to say we’re sorry if we upset you, Arietta. But I think Elisha got here first.”
“It’s all right,” Arietta said, smiling, “I think everything’s going to be all right.”
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