Welcome and Farewell
The White Ship continued to glide through the water, heading for the city of San Ria. It had been a quiet night and the White Knights had all been grateful for a good night’s sleep after the previous day’s events. The skeletal form of the broken white ship remained on all their minds, as a reminder of what would happen to them if they failed. The sea was full of dangers and they could not sail forever. That left Sanctuary as their only hope if they wanted to survive and build a society of their own.
“Land ho!” came a cry from the crow’s nest, breaking the early morning silence. Pandora was up on deck, stretching and yawning sleepily. Filled with sudden excitement she rushed to the side, squinting to try and catch a glimpse of San Ria.
“Here, use these,” Elisha said, handing her a pair of binoculars. Pandora held them up to her eyes and scanned the horizon.
“I see it!” she said, “That island, with the city between two mountains, that’s San Ria, right?”
“Yes, it’s nestled in that valley,” Elisha said, “One of those mountains used to be volcanic, and it destroyed the city a thousand years ago. It’s been dormant since then, but legends speak of the fire god’s wrath if he is not honored. So every year, they hold a celebration to honor the god.”
“Do you suppose he really exists?” Pandora asked.
“I would assume it’s just their way of rationalizing a scientific phenomenon,” Elisha said, “We know a lot more now then we knew a thousand years ago. Even the San Rians don’t take it too seriously any more. They just like a reason to throw a party.”
“I’ve heard San Ria is very relaxed and laid-back,” said Pandora, “How accepting are they?”
“It’s one of the more liberal cities we’ve visited on our journey,” Elisha said, “We often return here when we need a rest. As for acceptance, well I’ve heard there are many political movements working towards gay marriage and equal rights, but they’re not there yet. There’s stiff opposition from conservative factions. But at least homosexuality has been decriminalized, so you don’t need to feel afraid.”
“That’s a relief,” Pandora said, “I wouldn’t want to go back to Garania, Arietta’s home, anytime soon.”
“It’s sad what happened there,” Elisha said, “Garania used to be almost as liberal as San Ria. Then extremist religious conservative factions managed to capture public opinion. Knowing they could never win an election, however, they vilified everything they blamed for moral corruption and incited an armed revolution. After a lot of international pressure they started to hold elections again, but they were very successful economically and so the people voted for them. People want to prosper, and will give up their freedoms to feel that their families are growing up in a safe and wealthy environment.”
“I still don’t know how Selesti could have sold Arietta out to that government,” Pandora sighed, “I couldn’t turn anybody on this ship over to people like that, let alone somebody I loved!”
“I think there is more to Selesti then we know about,” Elisha said, “It’s easy to judge, far too easy. I think there’s something going on that perhaps even Arietta doesn’t know about.”
“I know that she’s been sleeping her way around the ship,” Pandora said, “She’s had so many serving girls down there in her cabin, there’s nothing else it could be. I wanted to tell Arietta, but... I can’t bear to hurt her.”
“I know what you mean,” Elisha said, “I will have a word with the serving girls, though. We need to maintain some discipline on this ship. Sometimes we’re too relaxed.”
“Well, this is the only place we can be ourselves,” Pandora said, “We don’t want it to be like Garania. If I may speak frankly, Lieutenant Elisha, I think it’s best if we stay out of it altogether. Selesti should have the freedom to do what she wants. It’s not for us to dictate what she does in her own room, or to invade her privacy by talking to the serving girls.”
“You’re right,” Elisha said, “You were the one who brought it up, though.”
“I’m just worried about Arietta, that’s all,” Pandora said, “She’s a good person, and doesn’t deserve to be hurt.”
“I agree,” Elisha said, “I’d like to think Arietta can take care of herself, though. I think beneath that caring, soft exterior, she’s stronger than she appears.”
“I hope you’re right,” Pandora said.
~
Arietta woke to the sunlight pouring in through her cabin’s porthole. There was a lot of activity and noise from above, and she wondered what all the fuss was about. She pulled herself groggily from the bed, and was halfway to the chair where her clothes lay when the events of the night before hit her. A deep weight descended in her stomach and nausea rose in her throat as she relived the moment when she walked in on Selesti and the serving girl.
Losing her will, she returned to her bed and slumped down on it. She tried to force down her emotions, to think clearly. What was she going to do about Selesti? It had been different the first time, they had been apart for so long. She could forgive Selesti for having strayed when they hadn’t seen each other for six months. She even understood Selesti’s fear of death, and had forgiven her for selling her out to the Garanian Decency Guard. But this was different. Even though she had said she had needed time to process her emotions, she had expected Selesti to be able to wait until she was ready to resume their relationship. Apparently Selesti did not feel the same way, she realized. She didn’t want to wait, didn’t care enough to abstain for a while.
What hurt Arietta most was that Selesti had not even come to speak to her, to ask if she was ready, to express her needs. If Selesti had needed sex so much, why hadn’t she asked, instead of bedding the first available woman? Then there was that stare, that wicked, uncaring stare. She had not even had the decency to be ashamed of her actions when Arietta had walked in.
Arietta felt she didn’t know Selesti any more. The woman she loved had been replaced by a sex-crazed, morally bereft person who didn’t seem to understand or care about the hurt she had caused. What had happened to the beautiful, strong-willed but gentle woman she had fallen in love with?
A coldness settled over her, a numb state in which she could once again function. It made her feel stronger, and she decided she needed to confront Selesti, to talk about what had happened. They needed to talk about a lot of things, and they needed to talk now, while Arietta felt bold and fearless, before she wilted and became afraid of what needed to be said.
She dressed with determination and headed down to the lower decks, where Selesti’s cabin was situated. She knocked three times on the door; cold, hard blows. There was no answer. She pushed at the door and it swung open, and she found herself staring into the doe eyes of a young woman who was just leaving, a different woman to the one she had seen the night before. The girl timidly hurried away without a word, and Arietta stepped into the room.
There were two other girls on the bed sleep beside Selesti, both in various states of undress, and Arietta felt an incandescent rage build inside her.
“Get up!” she yelled. They stirred and looked up at her uneasily, “Get out,” she said, and they grabbed their clothes, dressing hastily and leaving.
“What do you want?” Selesti asked, “I’m tired.”
Arietta walked up to the bed and slapped Selesti hard across the face. It left a red handprint that flared up as soon as Arietta pulled away.
“What the hell is going on with you?” Arietta asked, “I said I needed time, not to break up! Then you sleep with half the girls on the ship! You didn’t come to me to say you had needs, or to talk about our relationship. What do you want, Selesti? Why are you doing this? Are you trying to hurt me?”
Selesti dragged herself up against the headboard. She was naked, but for the first time, Arietta did not find her attractive. She appeared to be processing Arietta’s words, thinking of a response.
“You could never understand,” were the words that came out, after a minute.
“Understand what? Selesti, how can I understand anything if you don’t tell me?” Arietta sighed.
“Just leave me alone,” Selesti said, “Forget about me. You’re a good, pure, noble person. I’m not. You should find somebody else.”
“You used to care,” Arietta said, “You used to give a damn about your actions. What’s happened to you?”
“I can’t tell you,” Selesti said, “I’ll leave in San Ria and never come back. It’s better that way.”
“What could it be that you can’t tell me, Selesti?” Arietta said, frustrated, “We used to confide in each other about everything. How could there be anything that I wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t care about?”
“You were never a very sexual person,” Selesti said, “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” Arietta said, “How can you know if you don’t tell me what it is? Stop being cryptic and say what you need to say, even if it hurts! I’d rather know that I don’t satisfy your needs then just have you hazily try to hint it to me.”
Selesti curled up, then, pulling her knees up against her face and hugging them. She seemed vulnerable, lost.
“It’s true I cheated on you, Arietta,” Selesti said, “I was lost, alone, separated from you in Garania. It was only that once, back then. Then the Decency Guard caught us. They took Karin to be executed, but they gave conditions for my survival. The first one was that I had to expose all those I slept with. You know about that.”
“What else did they make you do?” Arietta said, a shiver of fear running up her spine. She pushed it down with a swallow and made herself press further. She had to know. If there was some explanation for Selesti’s actions, then perhaps she could be forgiven after all...
“They said I could live if I participated in their experiments,” Selesti said, “They had a team of scientists working on ways to make gay people straight. I figured it was all bullshit, that there was nothing that they could do to me that would change anything about the way I was, so I agreed. I had no choice.” She started to tremble a little, but Arietta held back to urge to go to her, to embrace and comfort her.
“For weeks they experimented on me, injecting me with drugs, making me have sex with men. They even impregnated me, though I miscarried alone in my cell.” She swallowed, taking a breath before going on. “But something they injected me with... changed me. I constantly want sex, and nothing satisfies me for long. I didn’t want to bring this filthy urge that they made me feel to you, and sully you with it. I knew that if you worked to satisfy my needs, you would be doing it for me, not for you, because you were never somebody who always needed physical release. So I went to every whore and serving girl I could find, anybody who would have me, man or woman. I sold you out and then we came here, and I continued, looking for something to ease this need. You have no idea, Arietta. I can’t make it stop!” She burst into tears then, and Arietta did go to her, did awkwardly embrace her.
“You should have told me,” Arietta said, “Even if there was nothing I could do for you, you should have let me know about everything you went through, all the pain you’ve been carrying. There has to be a way we can cure this, Selesti.”
“Don’t you think I tried?” Selesti said, desperation in her voice, “I went to every doctor in Garania. They tried different hormones, all kinds of treatments, but nothing worked. They said there was surgery they could do to reverse the damage, but then I would never want sex again. I’m... I’m not sure I want to give it up, Arietta. I’m not sure I could live with never feeling desire again. I’ve thought and thought about it ever since they told me.”
“We should talk to Pandora,” Arietta said, “She has powerful magic. She could...”
“Don’t tell anybody!” Selesti said, “They hate me as it is. I won’t let them know about this.”
“They only hate you because they think you’re trying to be intentionally hurtful!” Arietta said, “If you told them the truth, they’d have compassion for you.”
“I don’t want their compassion and pity,” Selesti said, “I don’t need yours, either.”
“What do you expect me to feel?” Arietta said, “I still care about you!”
“Then you’re a fool,” Selesti said, “I’ve done everything I could to push you away. When will you start thinking of yourself? I can’t be saved, Arietta. I know you want to be a heroine, but you can’t fix this! You should let me go.”
“I won’t just let you walk away,” Arietta said, “I won’t just give up on you!”
“I want you to give up, Arietta,” Selesti said, “Think about the long-term. You’ll never be able to live up to my needs. We would have to have an open relationship. How would you feel about coming home to find me in bed with a different person every night? How would you feel, Arietta? You’ve always needed somebody to love you, and you only, to devote themselves to you, heart, mind and body. Every day you would try to live with it, all the time hoping for a cure that doesn’t exist. You would try to convince me to get the surgery so we could be monogamous again, even if you didn’t intend to. I would feel guilty every day, knowing that you were living in an unhappy situation just to make me happy. We would still love each other, but we would destroy ourselves.”
Arietta looked away, “It’s not fair!” she said. “I won’t let what those dogs did to you take you away from me!” But she felt the truth in Selesti’s words, and she knew she was right. Tears rolled down her face and she beat her fists against the bed. She knew she had to let Selesti go.
“Arietta,” Selesti said, “I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I thought it would be easier if I hurt you, that I could keep my shame to myself and not have to burden you with the knowledge of it.”
“I will get those Garanians!” Arietta swore, “I will go back and expose what they are doing and overthrow that evil government!”
“Don’t get yourself killed for me,” Selesti said, “I did it to myself as well. We should have left Garania a long time before we did. I hoped that things would get better, that I wouldn’t have to leave behind my wealthy life in the city. I knew I was taking the wrong path when I cheated on you, but I did it anyway. This is my punishment.”
“You shouldn’t be punished. I have already forgiven you,” Arietta said, “You never deserved this. No human deserves this, even those who did this to you.”
“It’s not so bad,” Selesti said, with a wan smile, “Sex is pleasurable.”
“Yet even now you are tortured, wanting it,” Arietta said. To prove her point, she let her hand slip between Selesti’s legs, let her finger explore the wetness there. Selesti’s legs slid open to let her in and she moaned in delight.
“No...” Selesti protested, “I won’t sully you with this. Not again. Not like that night in the barn, the night I betrayed you.”
“There is nothing dirty about being wanted, needed,” Arietta said, “You are who you are now. Apparently we can’t change that, and I know you’re right about needing to leave. I won’t stop you. But if you have to go, at least let me have one last time by your side. Please. For all the love we shared.” She kissed Selesti tenderly, all her anger having slipped away. There was sadness, and pity, empathy, compassion and love and she let all those emotions come to the surface as she made love to Selesti for the last time, rubbing her large breasts, licking between her legs, letting her fingers find Selesti’s pleasure points.
When they were done, there was a strange kind of distance between them. Their emotions had been released, the cord to one another cut, their hearts steeled against pain, and it was time for them to part. Arietta sought words for the occasion, but nothing seemed right and so she left in silence, looking back only to record an image of Selesti in her memory so that she would never forget how beautiful she looked.
~
When Arietta arrived on deck, she found it full of people hastily dashing about. When she looked out to sea, she saw why; San Ria loomed before them and they would soon dock. Arietta realized the timing could not have been better, for at least she would not have to mull over Selesti leaving for long.
“Where have you been?” Pandora said, rushing over with Elisha by her side, “We were about to come and look for you.”
“I was talking to Selesti,” Arietta said, “She’s going to leave the ship in San Ria.”
They both gave her an odd look, “You’re okay with this?” Elisha asked, “You understand we won’t be coming back for a long time. We’re going to uncharted waters after this stop to look for Sanctuary. Chances are you’ll never see her again.”
“I know,” Arietta said, “I’m okay with it, so don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
They looked at each other, exchanging a meaningful glance before looking back to Arietta.
“Well, I suppose we should tell Lady Thea, then,” Pandora said, “She’ll want to know who’s staying and who’s coming back...” A thought crossed Pandora’s mind, “You are staying, right?”
“Absolutely,” Arietta said, “I want to find Sanctuary, now more than ever.”
They didn’t probe the meaning of that, but Elisha quietly excused herself and went to talk with Lady Thea. Arietta saw them gesticulating before losing interest and turning back to Pandora.
“So, what’s San Ria like?” Arietta asked, “I’ve never been here.”
“Neither have I,” Pandora said, “Elisha said it’s a nice place, but they’re still working on some reforms. Still, we can be ourselves here.”
“That’s good to know,” Arietta said, “Would you like to explore the city with me?”
“I was just going to ask! Everybody’s allowed to go into the city by themselves, but Lady Thea is putting together a special party to see the city. So far it’s me, Elisha, Lady Thea, and another White Knight, Sashiko. Want to come along? Lady Thea has been here before, I bet she’ll know all the good places to see.” Pandora said excitedly.
“I’d love to!” Arietta said. She was distracted then as Selesti came on deck dressed in her fighting gear, her few belongings stowed in a backpack. Lady Thea walked over to her and said a few words, then clapped her hands to bring everybody to attention.
“I just need a few moments of your time,” Thea said, “At San Ria, Selesti will be leaving us, along with many others who we picked up in Garania. I wish you all the best in your future lives, and hope you find happiness here in San Ria or abroad. Those who are leaving the ship for good, please disembark first so we can take a record of who is leaving. Thank you.”
Some people turned and gave Selesti strange looks as she passed, but nobody said anything. Arietta supposed that some of them had been those she had taken to her bed, sad that she was leaving.
As they pulled into the dock and weighed anchor, a long bridge was rolled out between the ship and the dock. Serving girls and White Knights alike lined the sides of the ship and looked into the city. Those who were leaving took their things and left one by one, giving their names to Elisha which she noted down as they left. Some of the serving girls waved to the refugees as they left.
Selesti was last to go, and Arietta watched her walk down the long bridge. She supposed that a just a week ago, she would have chased after Selesti and begged her not to leave, but things had changed. She hated the way in which it had to end, but Selesti had been right with everything she had said. It was better that they parted while they still loved one another then to have made each other perpetually unhappy.
Still, she watched until Selesti was just a dot at the end of the dock, descending into the city and losing herself in the crowd, and she closed that chapter of her life in her mind.
At the same time she felt a new chapter opening, beginning with her new life aboard the white ship, with her new friends Pandora and Elisha, with Lady Thea, Master Kane and all the other White Knights and serving girls. Together they would sail into the horizon, and seek their promised land, their Sanctuary.
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