Last time, on Ranma 1/2:
Cologne trains Kasumi!
*Have we finally jumped the shark here? Kasumi’s not exactly known for fighting.*
And... more training!
*...Do we at least get a Rocky montage?*
And... relationship developments!
*Who wants to sing the angst song?*
Now we’re getting ready for Kasumi’s return!
*Why all the exclamation marks? Saying it in an exciting voice does not make it awesome!*
Just doing my job. Stay tuned for the latest episode.
*I think we’re approaching the end of the season.*
----
Episode 9: Haven’t We F’d Up Continuity Enough?
----
Cologne silently watched her new apprentice try again and again to retrieve the chestnut, with varying degrees of success. It had been a few days or so since she had begun trying in earnest, and Kasumi had now managed to at least get her hand into the fire without getting burnt. “Good. You’ve improved somewhat. Now grab the nut.”
Kasumi took a few breaths. “I’m just not fast enough yet.”
In the blink of an eye, the nut was gone and in Kasumi’s hands. In another blink, Kasumi rubbed her head in pain from being hit by Cologne’s staff. “Do it. Put the chestnut back in and do it.”
“Why did you hit me?”
“Because you’re not fully committed and you stop halfway through. Now put your hand in there, grab the nut, and take it out of the fire. All in one motion.”
Kasumi tossed the nut back in and took a breath before trying again.
In another corner of the cabin, Shampoo and Ukyo watched their fiancé repeat her attempts. “Airen no giving up,” Shampoo commented. “This good. Mu Tsu will no give up either.”
Ukyo silently nodded as she watched the fire. The two women had formed a sort of truce, to work together to make Kasumi more responsive to their advances and less shy. Results had been somewhat mixed. Ukyo had had some success in flirting, and Shampoo had even managed to crawl into Kasumi’s bed naked without any nosebleeds. But they had not managed to make Kasumi flirt back, kiss, or even do much else besides blush. “Think she’ll win?”
“Oh, she win. When she get into fight, there no stopping her.”
“Again,” Cologne commanded. “You almost had it that time.”
Kasumi took a deep breath and relented as she reached her hand in and out so quickly, one could have sworn it had been but a blur. In her hand was a roasted chestnut. She smiled as she showed Cologne, who also smiled a little.
“Good. Now do it again.” Kasumi’s smile faded a bit. “Again. It’s a speed building exercise, by the time you’re done it will be second nature. Besides, you might have increased your tolerance for pain by learning the Bakusai Tenketsu, but you cannot outmuscle Mu Tsu. You don’t have the strength yet to do that. You have to rely on your speed and your stamina.”
Cologne’s practical example seemed to encourage Kasumi to try again, and succeeded a second time. And a third. And a fourth...
----
Back in Nerima, newly dubbed ‘land of the loonies’, an unusual spectacle was taking place in one of Furikan High School’s many classrooms. To the untrained eye, it would have appeared that a student was molesting his teacher. What was actually occurring was a bit more than that, though.
“You are too damn persistent,” Hinako Ninomiya complained as Ranma continued to hit her pressure points. “I don’t want to risk going back to childhood! I’m supposed to be this old!”
“Look lady, I respect what you want to do and all, but I’d rather not have you keep sucking out battle auras!” Ranma may not have been one for considering the consequences, but he was proud of his prowess in the martial arts. Happosai’s assertion that Hinako Ninomiya could be the death of the School of Anything Goes frightened him to his very core.
‘This is taking forever,’ Ranma thought. ‘It’s been what, at least an hour?’
The door to the room opened up slightly, and Ranma immediately shouted, “Stay out!” A quick slam of the door told him that he was safe. ‘Should’ve locked that thing when I had the chance.’
At long last, Miss Ninomiya began to shrink, her curves contracting into her body until she was no bigger than a child. “You are mean, mean, mean!”
Ranma quickly stormed out of the room and made a beeline for the exit, not bothering to look back. Hinako started to cry as she realized how long this had been going on. Tomorrow would be the last day, tomorrow she would lose her powers and possibly be stuck as a ten year old for the rest of her life.
The door to the classroom opened again, and Akane walked in. “Miss Ninomiya, I had some questions about... Hinako?” She rushed over to the girl’s side, asking, “Why are you dressed up like a teacher?”
----
On the path home, Ranma had already gotten hit twice by cold water; once by a car hitting a puddle at high speeds and again by an old woman watering her plants. So now Ranma was soaked to the bone, pissed at what had happened at the school, and a woman to boot.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a glimpse of Mousse, running for cover as an overly muscular duck. She was sorely tempted to beat him into a pulp, but that was Kasumi’s fight. Ranma had never asked Kasumi to get herself into his fights, and he would have to extend her the same courtesy.
She felt something whiz by her head, followed by the sound of something hitting a tree. A quick glance told her that a black rose had flown by, and a loud laugh confirmed it.
“Ranma darling, it is so good to see you!” Kodachi had jumped onto the road, smiling at Ranma. “And how are you this fine day?”
“...Fine.” Ranma kept walking on the road, trying to keep herself calm.
Kodachi was not willing to back down easily, however. “Ranma darling, I hope you’re alright.” Ranma walked past her, stone silent. Kodachi took that as a cue to walk beside her. “Ranma, I’ve been thinking, and I would be willing to allow you to take me out on a date.”
That finally got Ranma’s attention. “What?”
“I would be willing to permit you to take me to dinner,” Kodachi repeated. “Do you accept?”
There was something peculiar about this, but Ranma wasn’t entirely sure. “You mean, there’s a choice?”
Kodachi nodded. “Yes. Obviously, I would prefer that you said ‘yes’.”
Ranma stared at Kodachi, her face expressionless. “You do realize that I’m really a guy, right?”
“Right.”
“And that I’m only a girl half the time?”
“A little weird, but yes.”
“And you still want to go out with me?”
“Would tomorrow be too much trouble?”
Ranma kept staring. This woman was not only deathly serious about a date, but was actually giving her a choice. A choice! And not the type of choice where there was only one real option, an honest to the Flying Spaghetti Monster choice! “...Uh, sure, I guess.”
A knowing smile came across Kodachi’s face, though she did not say anything else other than a quick “Thank you.” As Kodachi walked away, Ranma stared at the woman. ‘My life just keeps getting stranger and stranger.’
----
“Again.” Into the fire and out, open hand, throw the nut back in the fire. “Again.” Into the fire and out, open hand, throw the nut back in the fire. “Again.” Into the fire and out, open hand, throw the nut back in the fire...
The expertise in martial arts Kasumi appeared to possess pleased Cologne. She had known since the defeat of Shampoo that Kasumi was skilled; coaxing her into using said skill at first had been akin to forcing a horse to drink from a river.
That reluctance was fading, however. But Cologne knew time was running out, and that soon Mu Tsu would be expecting her and Xian Pu to return. The driving question in her mind was whether or not Kasumi could justify to herself using all her might. She had seen hints that the Japanese girl might be able, but given what she had started as, well... Cologne was not sure Kasumi would be going all out.
“Enough.” Kasumi crushed the chestnut with her hand. When the hand opened, only the coat was broken, the core intact. “I would train you more, but we are running out of time. We must return to Nerima soon.”
An uneasy calm fell over the cabin. The three love-triangle-tangled women all looked at each other, trying to gauge the other’s reactions. Ukyo was clearly conflicted about this new development, and Shampoo was a little eager to see this carried out.
Kasumi thought for a moment before smiling the way Ukyo and Shampoo remembered, answering with a resolution neither knew she possessed. “I think it’s time to fix this mess.”
----
Akane could not get to sleep that night. The sheer amount of new information was keeping her wide awake. Ranma, her innazuke, was harassing Hinako, who was not only her friend but apparently her teacher as well, forcing her to stay as a child. If what Miss Nino- Hinako was telling her was true... it made Akane angry. She wanted desperately to take it out on Ranma, but she ‘didn’t know’ according to Hinako. But did that mean she could do nothing?
The other side of the problem was no less troubling. Hinako was some sort of ‘chi vampire’, feeding off the battle aura of others. The reasons Hinako gave Akane for continuing to feed had been twofold; because that was how old she was supposed to be, and more recently because it allowed her to spend more time with Akane. It had been sweet of her, but it had made things complex.
As if matters seemingly had to become more complicated, Hinako was running out of time. Every day that Ranma continued to hit her pressure points was one less day Hinako would be able to be her age. And since Hinako’s metabolism acted slower than a turtle wading its way through molasses in the winter, the odds were that Hinako would not even hit puberty for decades.
Her eyes were finally beginning to shut, rebelling against the stress her mind was inflicting on the body. Obviously, she had to do something. The real question was ‘what’?
----
“And that will be all for today.” The bells rang, signaling the end of another school day. The students silently filed out of the classroom, a sort of pall over an otherwise chatty student body. The reason was lost on the boys, but the girls knew why: three of their classmates were missing. She sighed as she noticed one student had stayed behind. “Trying to get this over with early, Ranma?”
“No kidding,” Ranma replied as he charged at his teacher.
“HAPPO FIVE-YEN SATSU!” Ranma managed to dodge the beam as he had for some time and maneuvered his way behind the teacher and began hitting the pressure points. “Really, Ranma? How long do you think we’ll be staying after today?”
“I’d don’t wanna even think about it,” Ranma replied. “I’ll just be happy when this is all over.”
The sound of a camera taking a picture filled Ranma with dread. “Afternoon, Ranma,” Nabiki greeted. “Ninomiya-sama, you as well.”
The sudden presence of Nabiki caused Ranma to divert his attention long enough for Hinako to wrestle one of her hands free to grab a coffee mug. The next thing Ranma knew, her head was covered in cold coffee. However, her grip held firm as she became alert of Hinako’s renewed struggles. “What the heck are you doing here?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m taking pictures.” Hinako blushed as Nabiki continued to click furiously at her camera. “I have to say, it’s fortunate that you’re a girl right now. My client just wanted me to get some blackmail... but I can sell this to some classmates for some good yen.”
Ranma’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t...”
“I would. You wouldn’t believe how much people pay for pictures... especially Kuno.” Nabiki grinned wickedly as she took another picture. ‘Sorry sis, but I’m about to hit the motherload.’
----
Ukyo wiped her brow as she hunched over and took a swig of water from a canteen. The climb down Mount Fuji had not been an easy one. For all the things that she had learnt how to do in her lifetime, hiking had not been one of them.
As she gulped the water down, she looked at Kasumi out of the corner of her eye. Kasumi was still standing, though her breaths were ragged. “Can we please take a break, sensei?”
Cologne, who was perched on Kasumi’s back, replied, “Fine. Xian Pu, go find some food. Kasumi, go with her.”
The Amazon Elder jumped off Kasumi and watched her great-granddaughter join her as they walked off towards a nearby town. Ukyo began to walk after them, until she felt a sudden weight on her back. The chef knew immediately what is was. “Listen, do you know what that gaijin bimbo is going to do if she gets K-chan alone?”
“Yes,” Cologne stated matter-of-factly, “I do. I’m counting on it. And please don’t call Xian Pu a ‘bimbo’ again.”
Ukyo was angered by Cologne’s words. “That’s it, I’m going after them.”
Cologne immediately appeared in front of Ukyo, unamused. “My people’s laws dictate that my great-granddaughter must marry her Airen. If Kasumi chooses to take a second wife, I’m sure an arrangement could be made.”
But Ukyo seemed not to hear what she had said. “But... but I was supposed to marry her first.”
“And that is something we can work out later. For now, my people’s laws must be enforced.”
----
The nearby village had been blessed with a bountiful harvest, one that they were eager to share with their new visitors. Upon Shampoo’s request (and a liberal amount of yen), they delivered some of their harvest out to Ukyo and Cologne. The townspeople also invited Kasumi and Shampoo to partake in some food at the nearby restaurant.
Kasumi sat down at a nearby table, twiddling her thumbs nervously. She knew that Cologne had merely asked them to get food. But Shampoo seemed dead set on going slowly and taking her time. The place was small, lightly populated with customers and candles. Kasumi could see that what few people were there were dressed to the nines or at least dressed in something better than they usually did. Kasumi felt embarrassed; she had not bathed nor had she changed out of the clothes she had started the day with.
It was then that two familiar hands covered her eyesight. “Guess who, Airen?”
“Hello, Shampoo.” When Shampoo finally took her seat, Kasumi’s breath was taken away. Shampoo was dressed in a lilac silk Chinese shirt and dress. A sensational smell wafted into her nostrils, but nothing that excellent could be food, goodness no... it had to be perfume of some kind. She buried her nose into the nearby menu.
“Xian Pu already know what she want to eat. Airen know yet?” Kasumi continued pretending that her menu was a fascinating novel. “Or does Airen want something... not on menu?”
Kasumi gasped in surprise as she felt something rub against her leg. “Shampoo!”
“Hehehe! Xian Pu have Airen all to self. Xian Pu not allowed to have fun?”
“...”
Before long, the food was on their plates and Kasumi was engorging herself on the plates of food before her. “Airen eat just like she did when we meet!”
Kasumi put down the leg of lamb she was eviscerating and smiled as she chewed. “Haven’t had food like this since I was back home,” she told Shampoo. “It’s hard to make anything tasty with rabbits and cans of soup.”
---
As the two walked out of the restaurant, two lone figures peeked their heads out of a bush. “Good,” Cologne smiled. “Good. Xian Pu’s finally gotten Kasumi relaxed. If she keeps this up, then we may finally have this out in the open.”
“This is crazy,” Ukyo complained. “All of this is crazy. This whole fanfic had been –”
Ukyo was whacked over the head with Cologne’s staff. “No breaking the fourth wall!”
“Ow!”
‘Now that she’s out of the way, just get it over with! The readers are getting restless!’
“You’re allowed to break the fourth wall and I’m not?” Ukyo was sent back to the ground with another whack of the staff. “Guess not.”
---
Not five minutes later, Kasumi was running out of the nearby hot springs clad in only a towel and a raging nosebleed. Giving chase was Shampoo, also clad in a mere towel. “Airen! Why you running!”
“I think you know why, Shampoo!” Kasumi turned a corner and entered a nearby building. “I think you know why,” she repeated to herself. She could see Shampoo running through the street, trying to find her.
“Can I help you?” Kasumi turned around in embarrassment as she saw a middle-aged woman standing behind a counter. “Would you like a room... or at least some clothes?”
Kasumi quickly realized that she had ducked into an inn. “I’d appreciate that. My name is Tendo, Tendo Kasumi.”
“Ah yes, I have you down for a reservation.” The woman put a key on the table. “There are some clothes in your room.”
The revelation that she already had a room did not quite sink in for Kasumi, who instead decided not to press her luck.
----
Some hours later, Shampoo finally entered the same hotel clad in that same towel. She had her clothes from the hot spring as well as Kasumi’s tucked under her arm. As Shampoo walked up the stairs, she could not help but wonder where she had gone wrong.
As she approached the room she knew Kasumi was in, she could see a familiar face standing before the door. “Village Elder.”
-“You are speaking the islander’s tongue,”- Cologne chided. –“I’ll let it slide this time.”-
“Is she okay?”
Cologne nodded. “Ukyo is there as well. Two bed suite. You need to salvage this situation.”
“I try what you tell me! I try stupid Japanese wooing, and she go running!”
“Then you were probably too forward,” Cologne replied. “As great a fighter as Kasumi is and will be, she was likely raised to be a housewife until her training with the Saotome clan began.” Shampoo stared in confusion. “She is meek. She is shy. I cannot tell you how to romance your Airen, Xian Pu. You are a grown woman. I trust you will do what you feel is right.”
Shampoo remained silent as she creaked open the door. True to Cologne’s word, Ukyo was there. However, she seemed fast asleep. Kasumi was sitting on the bed and facing the window, away from the door. Shampoo quietly closed the door behind her and walked slowly towards the eldest Tendo sister.
“Hello, Shampoo.” Kasumi had apparently been expecting her. “Did Cologne-sensei send you?”
“No. Xian Pu send Xian Pu.” Kasumi continued to stare at the window. “Xian Pu want to say I sorry. Xian Pu... overreach.” There was a brief moment of encouragement as Kasumi finally shifted around and looked at Shampoo. “I want Airen. I want now and for life. I want Airen to want me.”
Kasumi twiddled her thumbs in silence. There was a long lull in the conversation. “Shampoo...”
“Village Elder tell Xian Pu she go too fast for Airen. Xian Pu try your way of ‘wooing’. It stupid to Xian Pu, but Xian Pu do it because Airen might like it. Airen might finally react. But when Airen finally open up, Xian Pu got eager.”
Kasumi finally got off the bed and got on her feet, continuing to look at Shampoo. “Shampoo.”
“Xian Pu...” Shampoo was clearly trying to say something, but she could not say it. “Xian Pu love Airen. Law says we need be married. But if Airen no want marry...” Shampoo began to walk back out the door, knowing that things should have gone differently, that this should not have been the way it ended.
But Shampoo felt a hand on her shoulder turning her back around. “You really should stop interrupting me.” Kasumi bit her lip before finally taking a chance. She stumbled with the foreign words at first, but finally got them out into the open. –“I love you.”- And then Kasumi did something that she had either not had the spine to do before or the courage to realize.
Kasumi kissed Shampoo on the lips, no longer able to hide herself. Shampoo was so happy to finally hear the words that she had wished for that she forced Kasumi to the floor, continuing the kiss. It was at least half a minute before the kiss was broken, the two gasping for air.
“Xian Pu love Airen.” She went in for another kiss, but Kasumi stopped her. “No kiss?”
Kasumi went straight to the point. “What about Ucchan, Shampoo? I can’t leave her behind.”
“Xian Pu no understand.”
“I love you, Shampoo, I really do. But...” Kasumi looked at the bed where Ukyo was lying. “I think I love Ucchan too.”
“So? Take second wife.”
“But polygamy’s illegal!”
“Not in Joketsuzoku. I think it possible.”
Kasumi continued to look at Ukyo, who remained still and asleep. “I hope so. I’m not leaving her behind.”
Unbeknownst to either of the women, Ukyo was wide awake.
---
A CLIFFIE? YOU LEAVE US WITH A CLIFFIE?!
*It’s just as well. This next episode is the last one.*
What?! You mean this is an OVA?
*Well, it IS AU...*
So many acronyms. Well, I’m not giving away much a preview for next chapter then!
*Kasumi and Mousse will fight. That much is obvious.*
Just damn. See you next time.
*For the last time. Unless somehow we get a second season.*
(Oh God, I hope not –Editor)
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