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Last time, on Ranma 1/2:
Holy s---! It’s becoming an all out brawl!
Ryoga is pummeling Ranma at Dr. Tofu’s place!
Ukyo has come home early, and claimed that Genma owes her a husband/wife or his students’ demise!
And Kasumi’s getting a headache from all the plot twists!
*hears chainsaw*
Stay tuned! (Flees)
GET BACK HERE!!! THERE WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ANY MORE DELAYS!
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Episode 5: Round One... FIGHT!
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Another kick to the head. Punch to the lower chest.
Ranma was confused, but knew that fighting back against his old friend was his only defense until he could figure out just what was going on.
“Ryoga, what the hell are you doing?!?”
His old pal’s response was to grab Ranma’s hair and throw him into the wall. “You RAN! You coward!”
Ranma’s response was a sharp left hook to Ryoga’s jaw, causing the Lost Boy to fly back. “What the hell are you talking about, Ryoga?
Ryoga ran back to the Saotome heir, putting Ranma in a headlock. “BAKA! You don’t remember? I told you to meet me at the vacant lot outside my house! AND YOU DIDN’T SHOW!”
The ‘man among men’ swiftly kicked his foot back, making impact with Ryoga’s groin. That caused the boy to let go, allowing Ranma to escape the headlock and head butt his old schoolmate as punishment.
“I waited three days, ‘ya idiot! Then Oyaji had to take me and Kasumi ‘outta school!”
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Kasumi was not having a good day. Not at all.
First, she had been placed into another engagement. The problem wasn’t with whom she was stuck with- Shampoo, the Chinese Amazon with a body that would make Hollywood supermodels weep.
No, the real problem was that she was now in an engagement with a woman. If memory served Kasumi correctly, she was supposed to like guys, like Ucchan.
Which led her into the next series of problems.
Namely, Ucchan was a girl, not a guy. Why didn’t anyone tell her that?!? Ranma probably had no idea, so why didn’t Panda-sensei warn her? What kind of sick joke was this?
Next, it seemed that Ukyo’s friendship with her seemed to offend Shampoo, to the point of threatening violence for becoming an ‘obstacle’. And according to Xian Pu, ‘Obstacles is meant for killing.’
And now, they were fighting. Two women were fighting over her.
There was a warm, fluttery feeling in her gut all the sudden and she felt something warm on her lip. Yep, she was having a nosebleed. AGAIN.
Ukyo and Shampoo seemed to be dueling with their respective armaments, forgoing martial arts in favor of a bonbori and a giant spatula.
“Spatula Girl no have Airen! Airen is mine!” Shampoo emphasized this by hitting her square in the head, causing Ukyo to fall to the ground.
The cook quickly got back up, knocking Shampoo to the ground by use of a sweep kick. “I’m just trying to protect K-chan, you spastic bimbo!”
Near instantly, Shampoo rose, fire in her eyes. “Xian Pu no bimbo!”
Ukyo’s next attack ripped a piece of Shampoo’s clothing off her body, namely, her shirt. The only thing keeping Kasumi from completely blacking out from the blood loss was that Shampoo was wearing a bra. Unfortunately, as Kasumi noticed almost immediately, it was made of red silk and showed off Shampoo’s God-given jubblies in such a manner that would’ve made perverts squeal with glee.
She quickly reached for the entire tissue box, and started taking tissues out at a frantic pace so she could apply them to her hemorrhaging nose.
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Ranma was frantically scurrying now, trying to avoid Ryoga’s apparently sharpened belt. “Hold still, you coward!”
“I was waiting for you to show up! It’s not my fault your sense of direction is messed up!”
Ryoga redoubled his efforts, angered even further by the fact that Ranma had implied that his sense of direction was worse than the Bermuda Triangle. His eternal rival was right, though; he couldn’t find his way out of a wet paper bag. Finally he could see some hair flying through the air- he’d hit something.
It was only when he looked that he found that the flying hair wasn’t Ranma’s. In fact, it appeared to be-
Akane just stood there, not able to completely take in the sight of her mane soaring through the air. She couldn’t hear Ranma calling her name. She couldn’t see the look of embarrassment on this ‘Ryoga’s’ face. And she definitely didn’t notice that the thrown belt hit the broken sink, ripping the faucet clean off its place. That is, she didn’t notice until the cold water began erupting out of the hole where the spigot used to be.
Ranma cursed under his breath as he got drenched. Dr. Tofu immediately reached for his phone, trying to call the local plumber. Ryoga’s eyes bulged, before he started to laugh. “Oh my god! THAT’S what the springs did to you?” He couldn’t control himself anymore, falling to the floor in a fit of mirth.
Akane’s brain finally clicked back into gear at the sound of someone’s mirth. She looked down, noticing that the man who had burst through Dr. Tofu’s wall was now rolling around on the floor as if he was suffering from some kind of illness.
Without any knowledge of the context, Akane summoned the biggest hammer she could muster. She glanced on the fallen follicles of hair before screaming, “BAKA! YOU COULD’VE KILLED ME AND YOU’RE LAUGHING?!?”
The laughing stopped instantly as Ryoga’s eyes caught sight of the impossibly gigantic ‘+9500 Hammer of Swift Justice’. “My God. It’s over-”
Right on cue, the hammer swung, and Ryoga was cast out into the distance. “9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Ranma’s eyes bulged at that number. “What?!? 9000?!?” If Akane could do that to Ryoga-
While the heir to the Saotome school tried desperately not to think of what might happen if she used the hammer on, say, himself, Tofu shook his head as he hung up the phone. “Akane, that really wasn’t necessary.” When he saw the look on her face, though, he quickly backed down.
There was then a rustling of a large amount of cloth. Ranma and Akane looked around, confused, before finally looking at the bed that had been repeatedly jerked around during the scuffle. The black-haired woman who had been lying there was gone, the bandages and sheets that had covered her discarded.
Dr. Tofu shook his head. “I was going to release her tomorrow, but that works too.”
Ranma looked at the Doctor, asking, “Who?”
Tofu desperately tried not to look back at Ranma. “Kuno’s sister, Kodachi.”
Ranma’s response was one of irritated shock. “You mean, there are TWO Kunos?!?” Images began to fill her head of a woman shrilly laughing at her, whilst mocking her with some clunky formal speech.
Dr. Ono gestured for Ranma to calm down, still not looking directly at her. “She’s not as bad as you might think. She had to go under the knife recently, and she’s relatively normal since.”
Akane couldn’t quite believe that, though. “Really?”
“Well, normal for a Kuno, anyway.”
Ranma looked at the hole in the wall, then looked at the other two people in the room before shrugging her shoulders. “I’m outta here. Thanks for the treatment, Doc!” And with that, she jumped through the giant fissure and began walking back home.
Tofu finally looked at Ranma-chan as she walked away, and his glasses began to steam up again. His patient rolled her eyes, commenting, “Oh, COME ON. You find that pervert attractive?” She got no response; Tofu’s higher brain functions had completely froze when he saw the redhead.
Akane’s counter-response was to move Tofu directly into the path of the shooting water. After a millisecond, the good Doctor began waving his arms frantically, and Akane pulled him back out. “Thank you.”
“Seriously. You find that hentai of a girl attractive?” Tofu cleared his throat and slid his glasses up the length of his nose for a good moment before nodding.
“Well, I’m only human. It’s not my fault I think that girl-type Ranma is a stone cold fox, similar to how it’s not your fault that you prefer the company of women.” Akane nearly produced another hammer on the spot, but held back. After all, it WAS Dr. Tofu she was dealing with.
“...Maybe.”
Tofu sighed before ducking under the water stream, picking his notes back up, and sitting on the abandoned bed. “Still, I’ve got next to no shot- after all, Ranma likely prefers women over men in the romantic sense.” He then began to flip through his notes, trying to see if he missed anything.
Finally, Akane walked under the pressurized H20, standing next to the Doctor, who finally piped up. “I think we’ve made a fairly large breakthrough today.”
Akane shifted her posture, being slightly uncomfortable at this information. “But-”
“-I realize that you may think that this attraction to people of your own sex is wrong, but it’s really just society saying that. We’re free to live our lives the way we want to live them.”
That last sentence rang out through Akane’s head for a second. ‘The way we want to live them...’ “Thank you, Doctor.”
The kind man smiled weakly, before waving her goodbye. Before Akane left, though, she turned to face Tofu one last time. “Are you going-”
“I’ll be fine.” He gestured at the damage that Ranma and Ryoga’s fight had caused, before saying, “This is nothing. I have to give a two year old five shots in an hour. That’ll be a real nightmare.”
They both shared a laugh, and then went their separate ways,
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Ranma had to be half way back by now. Sure, he wasn’t entirely familiar with the area, but she couldn’t be THAT far off from the path Akane had taken him through... right?
“MY RED-HAIRED GODDESS!”
Ranma’s hair bristled as she turned to see a slightly dazed and bruised Tatewaki Kuno shuffle towards her. “Madame, I am so pleased to see you! I must free you from that pernicious grasp of that most dark of sorcerers!”
Ranma had a fairly good idea where this was going, but played along. “Alright, Kuno-baka, who?”
“That most E-vil of cowards, Saotome Ranma! Now, come with all due haste if you wish to be free with me!”
There wasn’t a single part of that request that the half-girl even remotely liked, let alone would even follow. “Fat chance. Now go blow that hot air of yours someplace else.”
Acting perfectly the part of ‘idiot-who-can’t-listen’, Kuno wouldn’t give up. “I implore you, fair maiden, my Juliet, fly with me before it is too late!” He grabbed her arm, trying to emphasize the apparent urgency of his task.
Ranma took it the wrong way, though, and kicked him hard in the gut. “Leave me alone, ya deluded shmuck!”
Ranma first caught sight of it in the corner of her eye, the flash of something inherently shiny. A piece of glass, maybe? Regardless, she still had to deal with Kuno, who had not let go despite receiving a very brutal hit. “Lemme GO!” That command came out far too high pitched for Ranma’s liking, almost as if she really was a girl-
There was a strange battle-cry, followed by another flash from the same area, this time appearing to be a beam of ki or something. Acting purely out of instinct, Ranma finally wrenched her arm free and ducked for cover. Kuno did not budge, and was struck by the ray almost immediately after Ranma hit the dirt.
The ki was a sickly yellow of sorts, similar to what one might find in a very badly decorated nursery. When Ranma finally looked, the yellow glow appeared to surround the kendoman, debilitating and weakening him.
It all had happened so quick, that the untrained eye would barely have seen anything. Once the ki faded, a slightly emaciated Tatewaki fell prostrate on the ground, unmoving. Ranma stared at him, amazed.
“He’ll be alright.” Ranma’s eyes finally save her savior coming from the bushes. She could’ve easily passed for someone in her late twenties, with flowing brown hair and wore a green shirt and brown miniskirt to clothe a body that was “easily distracting”.
Ranma managed to ignore that little detail. “Thanks. You have no idea how often Kuno tries stuff like that.”
The mysterious woman nodded her head. “He goes to Furikan, correct?”
“Yea...”
The brunette shook her head before continuing. “I just got a job there as a teacher. Principal Kuno warned me about a lot of delinquents there.” She looked at Ranma before finally introducing herself. “Ninomiya.” She declined to give her first name for some reason, though.
Ranma introduced herself as well, before finally figuring out just where she’d ended up. The dojo was just down the street, and a little to the left. ‘At least I was close.’
-----------------------------
“ENOUGH!”
Shampoo and Ukyo now had their hands wrapped around each other’s throats, their clothes in various states of shambles. Shampoo’s shirt was completely gone, and Ukyo’s pants now had holes where both of her knees had been. All eyes in the room now stared at the small Amazon Elder that had entered the room.
“What in the name of the Goddesses is going on here?”
Her question was followed quickly by the arrival of Ranma, who had finally made it back home and had found two women wrestling each other.
After three minutes, everyone was finally sitting down, no longer physically fighting each other, although the desire to was still strongly felt. Kasumi brought out a plate stacked with green tea, saltine crackers, and various cheeses for everyone, adding, “This is all I could put together on such a short notice.”
Soun took a large breath, before asking, “Where’s Akane?” A moment’s silence, then Cologne shook her head.
“No one has answered my question yet. What happened here?”
Ukyo, Shampoo, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Genma all stared at each other before shrugging their shoulders.
Ranma closed her eyes tightly before pouring her tea on herself, restoring her masculinity. “Maybe it’d be best to start from the beginning.”
His remark got a sharp stare from Ukyo, to which Ranma replied, “Ucchan? Is that-”
Kasumi interrupted. “Ranma, that can wait. I think there are a few things that we’ve been left out of the loop of.”
All stared at Genma Saotome, who finally spoke. “Ten years ago, Soun and I made a vow to unite our schools through any means necessary, which meant that my son would marry one of the Tendo’s. To make sure that this would work, I took Kasumi with me to get to know Ranma and fall in love.”
Soun piped up, adding, “I still have that contract safely hidden in my bedroom, to ensure that no harm befalls it.”
Ukyo and Shampoo both began going ballistic, Shampoo finding something to say first. “Aiya! You arranged marriage with no fighting? No challenge? That is stupid!”
Kuonji smiled. “For once, I agree with the gaijin here. You arranged a marriage between Ran-chan and K-chan without their consent!”
Soun winced before correcting her. “Technically, it was between Ranma and one of my daughters, but yes.”
Genma eyed Ukyo for a moment, sweat falling down his brow. “Soun, how on Earth did Ukyo end up here?”
Soun licked his lips before finally telling his side of the story. “That’s a tale in and of itself, old friend. Years and years before we made our pact, before Kasumi was born, I was a wandering martial artist myself. I’ll never forget, one of my fiercest fights was against a man with a giant spatula, Kuonji Seito.”
“We got into several fights, until we finally had one that nearly got us killed. See, we began the fight near a cliff, and our fight went on as usual until Seito fell off the cliff. In the heat of the moment, I saved his life.”
“From that day forward, we were like brothers, similar to you and I, Genma.”
Ranma’s patience was wearing thin as he munched on a cracker. “That’s great, but what does that have to do with Ucchan?”
“I’m getting to that. Once Ukyo was born, Seito asked me to be her godfather. Naturally, I accepted. A year after Genma took Kasumi, Seito died. Which meant that Ukyo’s upbringing was now my responsibility.”
Ukyo glared at Genma, adding, “That’s not the whole story, is it Saotome?” Ranma couldn’t understand WHAT his old buddy was talking about. Were all his old friends trying to kill him now?
Genma looked at Soun, and took over the tale from there. “It was a few months after Kasumi came with me and Ranma. Ranma and Kasumi were still a little uneasy around each other, and we were in dire need of food. We ended up coming across Kuonji-san, who gave us a place to stay and more importantly, food.”
Kasumi felt disgusted, while Ranma laughed under his breath. “That’s Oyaji for ‘ya, always thinking with his stomach.”
“Eventually, Kuonji-san and I began talking about our children. He was especially concerned about his daughter finding a spouse. He thought that maybe I could help. I agreed, and a contract was struck up- either Ukyo was to marry Ranma, or Ukyo would hunt one of my students and kill them.”
Ranma’s mood quickly went from unsurprised to livid. “DO YOU NOT EVEN READ CONTRACTS ANYMORE?!?”
Kasumi sighed. “I’m not sure he ever did, Ranma-chan.”
Regardless, the younger Saotome began throttling his father. “YOU- STUPID- INCONSIDERATE- WRETCHED-”
Genma finally managed to free himself from his child’s clutches, and finished his part of the story. “The important part was that we got to keep his okonomiyaki cart. Besides, I didn’t think Ukyo would go through with trying to kill you all!”
It was at this point that Ukyo produced a tattered piece of formal paper. “Technically, the terms of the contract were that I either marry one of Saotome’s students, or that I do what is necessary to preserve the honor of my family. Which would necessitate that I kill Ranma or Kasumi.” Ukyo’s postures became more lax and solemn; Kasumi and Ranma both could see that she didn’t really want to go there.
Finally, Ranma added his two cents. “I think we all know what happened next: Jusenkyo.”
Cologne nodded her head in understanding while Ukyo and Shampoo were both confused, albeit for different reasons. “What?”
The next few minutes were spent demonstrating both Ranma’s and Genma’s curses, during which time Akane finally came home. There was much cursing to be had from all parties, both from amazement, pain, and anger.
“DAMN IT! THAT’S STILL HOT!” Ranma had just been doused with hot water again.
Cologne, who had stayed silent for the most part through the entire story, finally added the final piece to the puzzle. “I would suppose that some time after their mishap, they found our village. They stole our champion’s feast, and humiliated our village champion, Xian Pu. Because of this, Xian Pu and myself had to hunt these three down.” She gestured to her great-granddaughter, Genma, Kasumi, and Ranma to emphasize this, before adding, “A while later, Xian Pu was defeated by Kasumi, and through a forgotten bylaw of our people-”
Shampoo stood up, smiling. “Kasumi is now Xian Pu’s Airen!” She jumped over the table, landing on the Tendo girl and pulling her into a massive bear hug.
Ukyo could’ve sworn there was steam pouring out her ears. “You can’t DO that!”
Shampoo didn’t look at the miffed cook, instead focusing her efforts on trying to play with her future wife. “What you mean?”
The adopted Tendo pointed at her piece of paper, specifically drawing her finger at some point in its center. “Technically, I have to marry one of Genma’s students, and I’m NOT marrying Ran-chan!” She stiffened a little bit before turning to face Ranma. “No offense, but I’m just too angry at you right now, Ran-chan.” The boy smiled meekly, his ego just having taken the equivalent of a nuclear bomb.
Kasumi looked at the piece of paper, before adding, “Panda-san, you said that we were finger painting!”
Shampoo stared at Ukyo. “What is Spatula Girl trying to actually say?”
Ukyo looked as if she was at a loss for words, before finally saying, “Kasumi, meet me upstairs, alright? I need to talk to you alone.”
“NO! Xian Pu come with!”
Kasumi finally stood up, though, saying, “Ucchan, I don’t think there’s any convincing her otherwise.”
As the three girls walked upstairs, Ranma shook his head. “I still can’t believe this.”
Colonge agreed. “It does seem like an unlikely chain of events.”
“I mean, Ucchan was a girl the whole time?!?” Genma, Soun, and Cologne all hit the floor with their faces.
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As Ukyo closed the door behind them, Kasumi recognized the place they were in as her room- well, it was probably Ukyo’s room now. The cooking books would’ve been the first sign.
“Alright, now what is Spatula Girl wanting with Airen?” She softly took Kasumi’s hand in hers, refusing to let go.
It was at this point that Ukyo took off what remained of her shirt, revealing a series of bandages. She took a sheet off her bed, covering herself while removing the bindings. Finally, she reached over to the nearby dresser and removed a white brassier.
After thirty more seconds, Ukyo dropped the bed sheet, revealing two healthy breasts being held in place by a bra. “Is this proof enough?”
Kasumi blinked extremely hard, before commenting, “Oh my.” A trickle of blood went down her nose, which she quickly blotted up with a nearby tissue.
Shampoo stared for a moment before commenting, “Spatula Girl looks cute, but why we really here?”
Ukyo blushed slightly before mustering up the courage to reveal her reasons. “My father wanted me to marry or kill either you or Ranma. Even though I wouldn’t want to, I would’ve probably just killed Ranma and called it a day.
“But then I calmed down, and I found out what was really going on, and-and-” She was stuttering slightly, not quite able to say what she felt. “I realized that you need me more than I need my revenge.”
Kasumi breathed in deeply, still not understanding. “What’d you mean, Ucchan?”
Much to Shampoo’s disdain, Ukyo wrapped her arms around Kasumi’s waist, forcing Kasumi to let go of Shampoo’s hand. “K-chan, I can’t just stand by and watch my best friend be forced to marry some girl she barely even knows! I just can’t!”
The idea finally dawned upon Kasumi. “You want to m-marry m-me?!?” Shampoo was furious, but kept silent.
“I’m not sure if I’m going to fall in with love you, K-chan, but I’ll try for your sake.” Her eyes were directly locked onto Kasumi’s. “If it would make you happy, I would be with you until the end.”
“B-but you’re a girl!”
Shampoo finally spoke, her arms shaking at her sides. “Xian Pu is girl! Xian Pu knows for fact that Airen likes girls!”
Kasumi’s face immediately drained of all color. “What?”
“Xian Pu knows! Why else Airen get nosebleed when she see Xian Pu naked? Or why else Airen lose blood when she see Spatula Girl with bra on?” Xian Pu tilted Kasumi’s head to look at her, which ticked off Ukyo. “Airen would’ve said something if she no want to be with strong woman.”
Ukyo turned Kasumi’s head to face her again. “She might be right about that, I don’t know. What I do know is this: I have to marry someone, K-chan, and it’s not going to be Ranma.” Without warning, Ukyo went in for the kill, making full on contact, locking lips with her best friend.
It lasted about two seconds, before Ukyo broke it off. “You’re a surprisingly good kisser, K-chan.”
Shampoo was ready to strangle the cook after that display. “SHE IS MY AIREN!”
Ukyo let go of Kasumi and finally paid attention at the purple-haired foreigner. “The day you marry my K-chan will be a cold day in Hell!”
Kasumi shook her head as she began to black out once again. ‘Please don’t make me choose...’
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Wow. That’s a pretty angsty place to end an episode, eh?
*I hate cliffhangers. CURSE YOU, HALO 2!*
Yeah. Next time, on Ranma 1/2-
School’s starting up again and Ukyo’s in Kasumi’s class! And who’s the new teacher?
*Like you can’t figure out who THAT is.*
Who’s that on the roof, and what is she doing to Ranma?
*A return to canonical events? Who would’ve thunk it?*
And why is there an old man running around with panties?
*Comedic relief.*
Tune in next time, for the next episode of Ranma 1/2!
*Sorry about your leg.*
I can get a prosthetic or something for that. Say, this episode was a little shorter than usual.
*...Omake?*
Omake.
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OMAKE!
The good old smell of pine was in the air the moment Kasumi woke up. She opened her eyes, stretched, and realized that she was under the Christmas tree, lying right next to-
“What’s it say?” Ukyo seemed disbelieving of the sight in front of her.
Shampoo read the card tied around Kasumi’s neck. ‘To: Ukyo and Xian Pu; From: Santa.’ A little grin stretched across Shampoo’s face.
Meanwhile, Kasumi looked at her body, realizing something important. “Why am I covered in nothing but wrapping paper?”
Ukyo and Shampoo just smiled like Cheshire Cats as they unwrapped what was perhaps the greatest present they’d ever gotten.
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A Guide for the Japanese Challenged
Baka- You, apparently. Read previous chapters!
Gaijin- Japanese term for foreigner, often used as an insult.
Green tea- A Japanese drink. Different than English tea, but not by that much.
Sensei- Don’t ask me what this is again. Do it, and I’ll use the guillotine on you and use your head for sports.
Omake- Nonsensical extra, usually a comedic piece with no value besides fanservice.
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