------------------------------------------------
*cue starved announcer*
I hope you're happy.
*I am.*
Last time, on Ranma 1/2-
Ranma has been engaged to BOTH Kasumi and Akane. WTF were they thinking?
Akane delivered the smackdown on half the student body.
Ranma punched the living daylights out of the Big Blunder-
CRACK!
I mean, the Blue Thunder.
Speaking of the Blue Thunder, Tatewaki Kuno has discovered the engagement, and Ranma is now on the verge of having his darkest secret discovered by the entire school body (which is still reeling from Akane's merciless beating).
Stay tuned for another great episode of Ranma 1/2!
*throws announcer off of a cliff*
I'm not dead yet!
------------------------------------------------
Episode 3: Old Faces, New Headaches!
There was a large splash, and Ranma found herself submerged in the icy cold depths of the school pool. She couldn't see Kuno anywhere- he must have landed on the concrete instead of the pool.
She looked down at her newly present bosom, and found two hands grabbing on to it tightly. She looked at her own hands- they were floating next to her.
The redhead turned around to find Kuno, arms wrapped around her, his eyes bulging as if someone had thrown a brick into his face. Angered by his groping, Ranma punched him hard enough to launch the man out of the pool.
As she climbed out of the pool like a drenched dog, Kuno got out on the other side, staring at her.
Kuno wasn't the brightest of men, but he knew something was different. Ranma, the man who had become engaged to the two objects of his eye, had disappeared, and been replaced by this raven-haired.... exotic... woman...
He let very unusual fantasies involving all the girls take him for a quick drive. "Stop staring, ya pervert!"
That brought him out of his reverie, and he remembered that he was in the middle of a fight. He also came to a snap judgment about his absent nemesis. "Saotome, not only are you a coward and an ingrate, you're also a SUMMONER! Now come out here and release this exotic woman from the slavery you've tricked her into!!"
Like I said, not the most intelligent of men.
Ranma sped toward the delusional Kuno, delivering a sucker punch to the face, which caused him to fall to the ground. As the lights went out in the Blue Thunder's head, he decided that there were now three women worthy of dating the manliest man around.
------------------------------------------
After an hour of trying to calm the school down from the brouhaha of the fight between Kuno and Ranma, class was dismissed for the day. Generally, as the teacher had found out, it's fairly difficult to instruct students about Hammerspace or Tokugawa when one of the walls has been knocked down.
Trying to get home was a bit of a challenge- several classmates, all of them female, had tried to follow the Tendo clan (Ranma included) home. Oddly enough, it was Nabiki who got them off of their tale, by simply talking to them. The collective look on Nabiki’s and the crowd’s faces worried the remaining students greatly.
So when they finally got home, Ranma decided to spend the rest of her day training. Kuno had gotten off a fairly speedy shot at her ribs, and she was lucky to have gotten away with only that.
As she put a swift high kick into the hanging bag, her thoughts turned to the subject that had ended classes early: the engagement.
On one hand, she had Kasumi, good ol' Kasumi. One of the greatest friends that she could've ever asked for. But there was no spark, no romance, and definitely no sexual tension between the two of them. Plus, as Kasumi had told her the night before they went to China, she was "bored by younger men and their wooing".
The other option was Akane, and that option was dead out. She had been nice to her when she was a girl, but hated the prospect of marrying him, even if he was a woman half the time. She hated it so much that she used violent tactics constantly. Just the mere mention of the word 'innazuke' was enough to bring out the hammer. And plus, once he found a cure, he'd be 100% man all the way.
Either way, he'd lose. So, typical situation for him.
The door to the dojo opened, and Nabiki stuck her head in. "Ranma, the water's ready."
She started walking toward the door, but Nabiki told her to stop. She placed the kettle within eyeshot and said, "Ranma, you can have it... if the price is right!"
Ignoring how much she sounded like Bob Barker when she said that, Ranma glared at her. "I'm not paying for the cure, Nabiki. Now just give me-"
Nabiki began pouring the water all over the dojo floor, steam escaping from the kettle as the water poured out. Ranma ran to the door, but the kettle had completely emptied when she arrived.
"Whoops! I guess my hands were too clumsy!" she falsely apologized. "I guess that's what happens," she said, before pausing for dramatic effect and whispering, "when I don't get paid!"
The door closed after her, and Ranma couldn't believe that she had nearly paid for that. She walked back and worked out her frustrations on the target.
"Stupid- ungh- penny-pinching-"
Her kata was interrupted by a loud crash, the kind that Ranma had made earlier that day when he and Kuno went through the wall. A person-sized chunk of the wall directly in front of Ranma had broken forth, and there was a silhouette of a woman wielding what appeared to be a bonbori.
----------------------------------------
*announcer climbs back up cliff*
Wait a moment... Shampoo doesn't show up for another couple episodes! What gi-
*kicks announcer back off cliff, throws rabid squirrels at his falling body*
----------------------------------------
Kasumi had just started pouring spaghetti in the pot when she heard it. A loud crash, followed by a louder one, and then Ranma flew backwards into the room, colliding with her and causing both to fall onto the ground.
They both stood up to find the champion of the Amazon village had returned, standing in the bare doorway of the kitchen, a dark and solemn look in her eye. She pointed at Ranma, then Kasumi, and spoke in Mandarin, -"You have offended the honor of my village. Prepare to die!"-
Of course, Ranma didn't speak Chinese, so the details of the message were lost on him. Kasumi understood maybe half of the threat. "I caught the words 'have', 'honor', 'village', and 'die'."
"Maybe since we have honor, we have to save her village from death!"
Ranma and the warrior sweatdropped, but Ranma understood the gist of the message. "I'm thinkin' it's a fight she wants!"
She almost began to attack, but was interrupted by Kasumi. "Ranma, wait! I can speak a little of her tongue, maybe I can interpret!"
"Kasumi, you just misread a death threat for a plea of help."
She didn't care, and started negotations. -"You speak Japanese?"-
Xian Pu was stunned that one of these foreign barbarians could speak her native tongue without a book. -"Not very well. Why aren't you fighting me?"-
Kasumi looked at Ranma for a short-lived epoch before answering the question. -"I no want fight. This all.... mistake."- She struggled on the word 'mistake', barely remembering it.
-"This can't be a mistake! You have offended my people!"- She lunged at Kasumi, bonbori aimed at her head. Kasumi barely sidestepped the swing in time, kicking at the Chinese teen's torso.
She made contact, and her opponent nearly dropped her weapon. Ranma followed up Kasumi's kick with a series of punches, half of which hit the combatant. From what Ranma could tell, she'd improved her technique greatly since the tournament that they had watched. If they had fought at that point, Ranma could've beaten her in less than ten seconds, like she had done against Akane. But now, she wasn't quite so sure she could do it as fast- but she'd sure as hell give it a good run.
Just then, there was more Chinese being shouted, not being spoken by the girl nor Kasumi. Whatever had been said, the foreign girl stopped and flipped backwards toward the door.
Adrenaline was coursing through Ranma's veins, prepared to strike at what she thought was maybe her husband-
But what crossed into the kitchen was no man. The woman was old, very old, and time hadn't exactly helped her look young. She was also very short, about half of Ranma's height (and she was shorter than most to begin with).
The old woman whispered into the taller one's ear, nodding for some time. Finally, the elder of the two walked to the highly puzzled residents of the house. "My name is Kho Lon. I suppose you two are wondering why we're here."
They were surprised that this one could speak fluent Japanese. "Yea, ya old hag! Why's she barging in here and trying to open up a can of whoop-"
Kho Lon was gone, now suddenly perched on Ranma's shoulder. "Be careful what you say, girl."
"Girl? I ain't no girl!"
"Well, that would make you a crossdresser, wouldn't it?"
She turned her attention to Kasumi, giving up on the first offender. "You, other girl. Do you remember who we are?"
Kasumi nodded. "Do you know why we're here?"
"I can't say that I do... but she," gesturing toward the purple haired one, "said something about death."
"That is my great-granddaughter, Xian Pu." She sized up both of the girls before continuing.
The redhead was very brash and egotistical, both unfortunate qualities. However, Kho Lon could tell that this one was extremely talented, and loved to fight. 'Good thing I trained Granddaughter excruciatingly hard on the way to this place.' Finally, there was something... off about the chi she gave off. It was distorted and warped in a way that seemed very familiar, but she couldn't quite place it at the moment. In her eyes, Kho Lon could see the end of a thousand victorious battles, as well as confusion.
The taller of the two was more of a mystery. She appeared to be, at the moment, on equal footing with the redhead in terms of ability. Unlike her counterpart however, she also seemed extremely reluctant to fight. The Amazon matriarch wasn't sure whether it was a personal preference or not. As she peered into the eyes of this one, she wasn't quite sure what she saw. It appeared to be sadness at first glance, but whatever it was, it was quickly hidden away. 'This one seems to have just as many issues as the other, although I'm not sure why.'
"You two, along with your pet panda, dishonored our village by eating the champion's feast. The punishment is death, unless-" she paused, glancing at her daughter, "either of you can defeat my daughter in a fight."
Ranma looked at the woman who had assaulted her in the dojo. She had taken a few hits, but she didn't appear to have broken a sweat. Despite her newly improved skill, Ranma was still confident that she could defeat the outsider. "Fine, you old hag. Name the time and place, and we'll do this."
Cologne's eyebrow arched at the 'old hag' remark, but she didn't react otherwise. "Tomorrow, at noon. Just stay here. Do not be late." She left the room, and gestured for the Amazon title holder to follow.
As she did so, she turned back to look at the two she had been hunting down since the tournament. Both of Genma's students noticed that the need to prove herself had vanished from Xian Pu's eyes, now replaced with something different. It was almost a look of sadness, or even longing. She ran out of the room, trying to catch up to her
As the two challengers exited the kitchen through one door, Nabiki entered through the other, holding a very fancy envelope, like the kind that is sent out for weddings and really high-brow parties. "Ranma, this letter is for you."
"Kasumi, can you get me some hot water?"
Kasumi poured the noodles that she had been cooking into a colander and poured the remaining contents of the pot onto Ranma's head. Despite the presence of a few stray noodles, he was returned to his natural state.
He took the envelope from Nabiki before she could try to make him pay for his own mail, and looked at the front of the cover. "Nabiki, this is addressed to the ‘Enslaving Summoner of Furikan High’."
"Kuno has a bit of an overactive imagination."
'Just a bit?' Ranma thought. He opened the envelope to find a piece of parchment that was just as fancy-pants as the envelope had been, with writing ornate enough to be considered a form of art. 'I guess Kuno had to be good as SOMETHING.'
********************************
To the magic-wielding, woman-snaring, despicable summoner Saotome:
Today's defeat was nothing more than a fluke- I went easy on you, because I thought that you could not handle the full fledged fury of the 'Blue Thunder'.
**********************************
As he read that part, the distinct crack of thunder could be heard, followed by the whinny of a horse.
"What is up with the weather?!?"
***********************************
However, you have left me no choice but to unleash the years of training I have spent in the art of kendo to destroy you and your black magic- thereby freeing Akane, Kasumi, and the striking redhead from your pernicious grasp. Meet me tomorrow at noon in front of the entrance hall to the school for you to meet your imminent demise.
Hoping that you burn in the fires that spawned you,
Tatewaki Kuno
PS: You suck. Majorly.
***********************************
'Okay- he's also good at formal BS.'
Ranma reread the letter before looking at Kasumi. "Tomorrow at noon? In front of the school? But that crazy Old Hag and her daughter are supposed to meet us here at noon!"
Nabiki realized the dilemma at hand, but her voice did not give off a single shred of sympathy. "The school is at least twenty minutes away. You'd never make it back in time." She reread the letter, adding, "I'm surprised that he knew how to use the word 'pernicious' correctly."
Ranma chuckled a tad, before remarking, "I don't know any techniques that'll help me stop time or anything. I'm not Superman or anything."
She looked around the room, trying to think of ways to move really fast. 'Akane could hit me with the hammer- but there's no real way to make sure I land at the school and not on the Moon.'
Her wandering eyes finally found Kasumi, which made the light bulbs go off in her head. "Kasumi, maybe you could fight Shampoo." He had butchered the name, but he didn't know it.
"I'm not really sure I can, Ranma."
"Yea, you could! It would work, Kasumi! You've gone through just about every training exercise that I have, so there's just about no way you can lose!"
Kasumi looked down at the ground, her two pointer fingers gesturing as if they'd been bound by an invisible Chinese finger trap. "Not the Neko-ken..."
Ranma could literally feel a cold sweat running down his back. "Trust me, you lucked out when Pop said he could only pay for one of us to do it."
She shook her head again. "Ranma, you know that I can't fight as well as you."
"That's only because you hold yourself back too much." He smiled, and continued, "You could probably give me a run for my yen if you really tried." Nabiki's ears perked for a moment at the word 'yen'.
Kasumi hesitated before making her decision. "Alright, Ranma. But if they start trying-"
"You worry too much-" His inspirational speech was cut off by the scent of food. "Is dinner ready?
-------------------------------------------------
The next morning, trying to eat breakfast without trying to kill someone was like trying to climb Mount Everest naked- It was impossible.
As the clock ticked toward 11:30, Ranma finished trying to get last snacks before leaving the house to go to Kuno's crazed attempt at 'taking what was rightfully his'. As he left the house, he was immediately drenched by a stray burst of water from the next door neighbor, who was trying to water her flowers.
It was now 11:50. Kasumi had been sitting at the table for the better part of twenty minutes, trying to relax. She was either queasy, or hungry, she couldn't tell which. Either way, her face appeared to be an odd shade of green.
One of the people in the house noticed this and walked right over. "Miss Kasumi, are you alright? Did you try to eat Akane-chan's cooking again?"
Despite the nervousness, Kasumi gave her a genuine smile. "I'll be fine, Hinako. Don't worry about me." Hinako sat down next to her anyway.
"Kasumi, I need to ask you something."
"What?"
Hinako was very clearly hesitating to ask it, as if in fear of being vaporized by the woman’s skills. "About the engagement..."
Kasumi looked at the clock again. 11:56. "Yes?"
"Are you sure you can't just marry Ranma? Isn't there a tiny part of you that wants Ranma-san that way?"
She paused, trying to word her response carefully. "Ranma and I are like brother and sister, Hinako. It just seems wrong to me." She looked at Hinako, and saw that she had been saddened somehow. "Why'd you ask, Hinako? Are you concerned for your sensei?"
There was a slight blush across her cheeks. "Well, yea! She's kinda sad, and she's getting angry at me when I mess up. She never gets angry at me; she's always been really good to me! She even gave me the spare Halloween candy last year!"
Kasumi giggled, and there was a loud banging on the door. Kasumi checked the time. 11:59. 'I guess there's no avoiding it now.'
"Hinako, you said that Akane's not in the mood to teach you today, right?"
"Yes..." Hinako didn't understand the relevance of the question.
"W-Would you like to watch me fight?" That had been a big step for her- she got nervous when people watched her try to do anything.
She squealed with excitement. "Kasumi-san, I'd love to! Akane-chan always says that watching a fight can be as useful as actually fighting!"
----------------------------------------------
'No answer at the door. Perhaps the two left town.'
Kho Lon looked at her student. Xian Pu had already explained to her why she wasn't feeling 100% today, but that was no excuse.
-"Grandaughter, you must understand. This is the way that things must be. It's the Code of the Amazons."-
Xian Pu looked at her teacher. -"Village Elder, I don't want to kill them! If they had humiliated me further, and I had given them the Kiss-"-
-"Enough for now. Stand tall, the door is opening."-
Indeed it was. Kasumi stepped through the door, little Hinako right behind her. It became obvious to both that she had been very reluctant to open that door. "Is it that time already?"
The old woman nodded. "Where's the redhead? Did she run off?"
"No. Ranma is busy fighting off a different death threat at the moment."
Kho Lon did not hesitate for a moment. "Then, it appears that you will be the one to fight Xian Pu."
Kasumi looked to Kho Lon's left and blushed. Shampoo was dressed in the standard Amazon tournament garb (which meant that it left little to the imagination), bonbori in her hands. She made a nervous cutting motion across her neck, and Kasumi quickly understood that something didn't quite add up.
"What about the little one?"
Hinako appeared affronted with the prospect of being called 'little', because she replied, "Ma'am, I'm taller than you! Don't even talk about 'little'!"
Kasumi hushed the young girl, whispering in her ear, "Please, I've already upset them enough. Please don't antagonize them."
The walk to the site of the battle was thick with tension. Kasumi felt like each step she took was one more step towards her demise. Hinako, not knowing the stakes of the upcoming battle, was cheerful, telling her sensei's sister how cool it was that she could fight. Kho Lon was unemotional, trying to remain relatively neutral. Xian Pu didn't show any emotion, but her stance indicated (in Kasumi's eyes, at least) reluctance. 'At least I'm not the only one.'
Finally, the party of four arrived in one of the deepest parts of the nearby forest. The Amazon Elder told Kasumi to stand still while she and her accomplice walked away for a few feet.
Kasumi stared at the two, trying to focus on the task at hand.
The old crone finally walked to point far enough from the soon-to-be fracas to objectively observe the fight. Hinako silently walked over to her side, trying to get a good seat for the show.
At an unspoken signal, Shampoo (She thought she was pronouncing the name right.) ran at the brunette, bonbori raised for a horizontal swing. Kasumi crouched, the weapon narrowly missing her skull. As the mace passed over, Kasumi kicked her right foot at the feet of her opponent, trying to throw her off balance.
It worked. Shampoo found herself on her back, the weapon that she had planned to use for bashing Kasumi’s brains out now lost to the woods.
Quickly, Kasumi rose from her position, trying to end the battle before it got deadly. He jumped at her opponent, her limbs entangling with the Amazon’s, as they went from ‘martial-arts’ mode to ‘wrestling’ mode.
Lavender hair mixed in with chocolate as the two rolled on the ground, jostling for position like a bunch of race horses. Back and forth, Kasumi and Shampoo exchanged positions, top and bottom, down and up, back and forth, to and fro, and so on, and so on. You get the idea.
Finally, without warning, the two stopped, exhausted for the ground rolling. As they stopped to catch a breath, they refused to let go of each other, each fearing that they would be quickly defeated if they did. They stared at each other, not understanding why the other just stayed there, staring back.
Shampoo could barely hear her elder yelling at her to finish the fight. Hinako shouted at Kasumi, trying to figure out why all the awesome stuff had ended.
In that moment, something clicked in Shampoo’s head, unbeknownst to any of her spectators. As they both finally released each other, Shampoo stood up, and did nothing.
As Kasumi regained her bearings, she could see her opponent, staring at her, no longer with anger, but with something similar to what Kasumi had seen back at the house: an unwillingness to kill (at least for the moment), now combined with something else that she couldn’t place.
Nonetheless, she had to finish the fight. The oldest of the Tendo sisters wasn’t about to let this drag out anymore. She darted forward, fists clenched tightly, as she delivered a solid blow to the jaw.
Shampoo never tried to stop her. She fell over, hitting the ground without any attempt to fight back. The proud warrior stayed still, not budging an inch. After a closer inspection, Kasumi could see that the Chinese woman had briefly lost consciousness. She looked at the injuries that she had given her... nemesis? That wasn’t quite the right word for her.
The old hag barked at her great-granddaughter as she went into the woods, using the word “chance”. The words seemed to have an effect on the woman- she stood up as Cologne threw the bonbori back into her hands.
As the Amazon elder returned to her position, she explained to the woman who had helped offend her village. “I’m sorry, but your victory shall be short-lived. By the rules of our village, you must now be administered the Kiss of Death. Shampoo and I must now hunt you down to the ends of the earth and destroy you.”
Hinako’s head whipped around to face Cologne. “And she wasn’t trying to kill her before?!?”
“No. I made sure that she’d lose the first round so that she couldn’t have that excuse of ‘She never actually beat me’ being spouted out. Now, it’s... how do you say... do or die.”
Kasumi was still trying to absorb the fact that this the true battle may have only just begun, briefly taking her mind off of the fight. That brief moment of absent-mindedness allowed Shampoo to approach the victor of their previous battle.
Her eyes refocused on the pugilist in front of her. Kasumi’s muscles tensed, not knowing from which direction Shampoo would strike.
As it turned out, it was from the direction of the head. Specifically, smack on the lips.
Shampoo had kissed Kasumi. The kiss itself was a little restrained, but forceful, with a mix of duty and dedication on her lips. Kasumi had never expected that her first kiss would be from another girl, even with those experiences at the Catholic school, even with all those leering classmates earlier today.
Finally, after what seemed a millennium, Xian Pu let go, making Kasumi stumble backward, confused, concerned, and half-worried that she may have been poisoned from that nice kiss. ‘Nice? Where did that come from?’
Unfortunately, the logical side of Kasumi’s head screamed that that contact was the ‘Kiss of Death’.
As she finally regained her footing, Shampoo’s bonbori resumed its prime position to strike. Genma would have probably tried to run out of town in this kind of situation. And as soft-spoken and non-violent as Kasumi preferred to be, once the gauntlet was thrown, she felt obligated to finish the fight.
She raised her fists, prepared to give it the ol’ one-two, one-two.
Kho Lon yelled in Chinese once more, but this time, Kasumi could understand the message. -“DO IT!”-
Hinako was no linguist, but understood what was going on. “NO!”
Time stood still as Shampoo waited for the brown-haired foreigner to run, just like all the others. But it never happened. She just stood there. She also spoke in her cute, but crude Chinese. –“You want kill? Fine. But I no give it you easy!”-
Ten more seconds passed before Shampoo’s mind was made. She checked, double-checked, and triple-checked the laws of her people in case this might happen, but she still couldn’t believe that it had actually occurred. It was confusion and pure joy, fused into one moment.
She threw her weapon aside, knowing that she wouldn’t need it for this.
Kho Lon, Hinako, and Kasumi all were dumbstruck by this action. Equally mystifying was that Shampoo had approached the Tendo again, but not in any proper stance to fight back with.
-“Why you- What you want?”
The words had escaped her mouth before she even knew what she was saying. This was the most nervous Kasumi had been her entire life, but she couldn’t figure out why. She peered into her killer’s eyes. Where there was once reluctance, there was now joy and... desire? What the-
Her train of thought was cut off by another kiss, this one much more passionate, lasting until neither of them could breathe.
Shampoo’s hand had somehow snuck up onto Kasumi’s left cheek. The next words she spoke were full of promise and hope. “Wo ai ni. Wo da Airen.”
Kasumi didn’t need a translation for that, understanding the words “I”, “you”, and “love”.
“Oh, my!”
She promptly swooned, hitting the ground like an old nun whose hip just exploded.
Cologne looked at her apprentice. -“Xian Pu?”-
-“Yes?”-
-“Why did you just give her the Kiss of Marriage?”-
-------------------------------------------------
*climbs back up cliff, squirell attached to his shoulder*
This is my job,ya know!
Next time, on Ranma 1/2:
The consequences begin to set in as Kasumi realized just what she's gotten herself into.
Ranma fights off an old friend from his school days.
And what's this? The spatula ninja returns!
All this and more, in our next-
*WE GET THE IDEA!!!*
------------------------
A Guide for the Japanese Challenged
bonbori- See Chapter 1, you non-attention giver!!
-chan- Japanese honorific, similar to ‘-san’ or ‘-sensei’. This one translates into ‘friend’. Simply put, it is used as a sign of friendship or affection of either the platonic or romantic variety (pending on context).
yen- Japanese currency
Neko- Cat. Any kind of cat.
Deviant Hearts Archive | Back to main index